Shit life makes me say #2

I'm just tired of being tired. I want so badly to be open with my emotions, but I can't. I have to keep everything in because I'm so scared of getting hurt. There are so many things I wish to say. So many things I wish to do, but I have to keep them  between myself and this blog. And that just fucking sucks sometimes.

I want to love freely and fully. I'm tired of holding back all my feelings because I'm scared of getting hurt. It's just the things you say sometimes... makes it feel as if you'd leave me for someone better at the drop of a dime or that you'd cheat on me with anyone should the opportunity arise. That's the only thing that keeps me from putting myself fully into this relationship, as badly as I want to. You're perfect. You're everything I ever wanted. I'm just so scared of losing you to someone else. Someone much better than me. and I don't want to either.

I'm just scared out of my mind because I love you just that much.

And I wish I could tell you all this, but I'm scared.

Fuck..

Shit life makes me say #1

I don't even know why I still write those stupid letters to him.

I shouldn't even be letting him get to me. What he does shouldn't matter to me anymore. I shouldn't have to give a shit. Maybe it's time for me to full let go of all of this and just fully move on and get on with my life.

Shit. I don't need this shit in my life anymore.

Live on and let live. C'est la vie. So be it.

I'm so tired of the past catching up to me. I'm so tired of the family trying to control my life.

Exes... if I can even call them that. People I've had flings with back when I didn't give a shit about anything. I was too hungry for acceptance. Too desperate to please. Too deprived of love. So I gave in to everything.  Fuck. And now that shit's catching up to me. I don't want them calling me now. I don't want them in my life at all. They were mistakes... as much as I don't want to say it. But they were also learning lessons... so many of them that I lost count. I hate it. I hate myself for it. There's not a goddamn day that passes by wherein which I regret those. I was too loose. Too free with myself. I didn't think myself to be worth anything and merely wanted a cheap thrill. I don't know... I just want to be free of those because I don't want those memories to come back. I don't want to keep beating myself up for that shit. I don't want to be angry at myself every single goddamn day because of those people.

I'm sick and tired of my family getting to me on things I've cleared up with them about. Holy shit man. You all don't fucking listen to what I fucking have to say. Shit. If you all only listened then you wouldn't be in this shit and you wouldn't have to worry about all this shit. What the fuck is wrong with  you all? I love you, but holy shit, you're pushing me to my limits. I don't want to spend every waking moment, feeling guilty because I know you guys are going apeshit over nonexistent bullshit. The only reason why I don't text back anymore is not because I'm running away. It's because you don't read it. You don't comprehend it. I tell you straight up what's going on and that I'm fine, but you don't get it. I'm dying on the inside reading all your texts... every fucking day.

It kills me to see you like this but at the same time, I have to defend myself. I can't give into your bullshit everytime. It's not as if I'm here fucking shit up or anything. I'm living a normal life, trying to earn a decent living and gaining my independence. I don't think you realize that I've reached the age where I have to go out there into the "real world" and fend for myself. If I had remained where I was... I'd never grow up. You kill me with your love. And you're too blind in your fuckery to see what the rest of us sees. God damn. I think you two are the ones who need to grow the fuck up. I'm trying my best. I was the one who stood my ground against our step-family. I was the one who fought for you.. I was your support when she died. While you were crying your fucking eyes out, I actually did shit. I actually got everything together. As indecisive as I am, when time came to making important decisions, I don't waver. I decide. I'm not like you two. I don't fuck around when I have to make a straight up choice about something important. I don't understand you two. You treat the small stuff like it's a big deal... and when it comes to something that's of dire importance, you put it off, procrastinate, and fuck around. What the fuck?

Sometimes I feel like the adult. You live in your own world of your own ideals. You accuse me in turn of being blind to the realities of the world. You who was spoiled by her and coddled.You who didn't have to do shit. You who was shielded from the rest of the world... who never fought back. Who never experienced the world for what it really was. Who never even went on something as simple as a goddamn date. Who  just went with the flow. Who had everything handed to him and all you had to worry about was getting good grades. How dare you accuse me of being blind to the world. I've seen more shit than you'll ever see.

I seriously wonder sometimes, why you two lack the basic skills of survival. How to fight back. How to even do household chores. You don't even know how to cook. And yet, I'm trained in all of those and more. What the fuck. I've had to take care of myself. I've had to raise myself. You didn't take care of me. She did. And so did he. They'll be the only people I'll truly listen to because they actually cared about me. They cared enough to teach me the skills I needed to survive. Without them, I wouldn't be able to be where I am at this very moment. I wouldn't have survived long enough to even be typing this to you. I survived on my own for this long. So this is all I have to say... leave me be and let me live. Let me make my mistakes. I'm already learning so much. So let me live and let me live, because I'm the one who gets to die in the end. Not you. Me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I fucking hate feeling like this. fuck.

#41

Dear-,

You asked the question. I asked you to elaborate and specify.

Yet, you fail to deliver. I can't help you if you don't help me help yourself.

I'm not the one in pain here. You are. You're creating this nonexistent mess in your head.

Stop. Just stop. You're killing yourself.

I hate watching people suffer like this. I hate watching you succumb to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes.

That's not the you I know, nor is that the you that anyone else knew.

You're slowly turning into Nalica... and I don't want that/ No one does.

So open your eyes and realize that you're the one who needs help. Stop trying to be a goddamn hero, trying to help everyone with their problems. I wish you'd realize that to be able to help others, you must first know how to help yourself first. If you can't even help yourself, then what gives you the fucking right to help other people?

It doesn't make fucking sense.

Get some fucking help. You're the fucking one that needs it most.

We don't need shit from you right now. All we want is for you to get your damn self out of the fucking gutter and rebuild your goddamn life. You're full of potential. You just keep fucking up because you keep doubting yourself. Shit. It pisses the shit out of me when you're like this. You've survived so much shit. You've been through so much shit. Why the fuck are you letting all these little things get to you?

I don't fucking get it.

I've survived my fair share of shit. Yes, I get easily trapped into bouts of depression, but I don't let it take me. I don't let it consume me. I fight back. I fight and fight with all my goddamn might until I come out of it. I don't give a fuck if I come out scarred and fucked up. What matters most is that I'm alive and functional.

This is as blunt as I can get. Anger pushes me to speak up and speak the fucking truth.

So here. I don't fucking see why you're letting the lack of a fucking relationship get to you. Shit. There's more to life than that. There are ups and downs. Trust me, I'm pretty fucking sure that once you get into one, you'll be fucking complaining and getting depressed about that shit too. If you're not happy when you're single, then why the fuck would being in a relationship change that. True,  you'll have someone to support  you, but in the end you have only yourself. Because you'll be a fucking burden to that person, making them miserable as well.

You're better than this. Fuck. Grow a pair of balls and grow the fuck up. Simple as that. Push yourself to do what you THINK you can't do. You're only as strong as you allow yourself to be. So think bigger and think stronger. Change your perspective and you change your world.

Don't turn to fucking drugs or alcohol to solve your shit because it'll only fuck you up even more. Shit.

And another thing, stop being so self-centered. Not all my fucking problems are stemmed from you. Why the hell would you assume that? My life isn't centered around you. Why the hell are you paying so much attention to me now? When it's too late. Why couldn't have read my tumblr when it mattered most. When I spent night after fucking night crying over you. Shit. Why are you doing this to me? Can't you see?

I don't love you anymore. I fought tooth and nail to get over you and I don't need you coming back into my life, trying to bring those feelings back. I don't want that nor do I need it. I just want  you as a friend. That's all I want right now. I don't want you bringing shit from the past. I don't want you telling me how you felt about me back then how you supposedly loved me. It doesn't apply right now. And all you're doing is pissing me off even more. I have other shit to worry about. So stop thinking that all this shit is about you. Because it's not. So chill the fuck out and stop bothering me about it.

I want you to be fucking happy. Happier than I can ever be. I want you to live the life that you've always wanted. I want you to be better than me.
-ht.

#40

Dear,

It's not about you. It'll never be about you anymore.

Why would I keep picking at a wound that I've tried my hardest to heal? It just doesn't make any sense.

-ht

#39

Dear-,

Good bye.

Aishite ita...

-ht

old habits die hard.

It's been this long and I still haven't changed.

I'm still the same demon that I was...

#38

Dear-,

I'm not the one who got away.

There will be no coming back.

You're hurting yourself.

-ht

.

Fuuuuuuuck. Why can't I be stronger?

I couldn't help myself.

I held the blade to my flesh and my body did the rest.

Honestly, I doubt anyone would give a shit if I disappeared...

I know when I'm not wanted. I know that feeling too well.

I've reached my lowest point once again. It's always this time of year that I end up like this.

I just want to disappear. I don't want to fight anymore... every part of me hurts so goddamn much. Just let me give up. I give up.

If I don't kill myself then let this guilt kill me.

How many more days, weeks, months, years must I carry these memories with me?

I'm too fucking tired. I'm too broken to keep this up.

I'm not who I used to be. Nor do I want to be.

I survived this long because I ignored my heart... but now I can't.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuucking bullshit. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

#37

Dear-,

Why do you make such efforts even though they're all in vain?

I won't change. That much I can promise you. I'll keep  my strength. I'll keep my will.

So that's how it'll be.

-ht

#36

Dear-,

I don't want you to be attached to me. Not like this. I don't want you to cling onto false hope. On to the very hope that you've created for yourself.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to put you through what you've dragged me through.

That pain itself is too much for anyone to bear... even for a masochist like me.

But... I can't just let you go because I don't want to watch  you suffer like this. I wish I could help you. I wish I knew how to help you.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. Not because I want to know where I stand with you, but more or less because I want to know how I can help you.

I won't abandon you. I know the feeling and I don't ever want anyone in my life to have to go through that shit. It's too much.

So, please please please tell me what's wrong so I can help you. You've done your best to help me. You've done a lot for me. So now it's my turn to help you out.

Let me be your weapon in your battle against this bullshit. I may not be able to help you win, but I'll make sure you come out of this alive.

-ht

Why can't I bleed anymore?

#35

Dear-,

Are you trying to make up for what you've done?

The best thing  you can do for me at the moment... is to leave me be.

It hurts more to see you talking about what really went through your mind, what really could have been back then.

God damnit. I moved on already. I'm done with that part of my life. I'm done with that heartbreak.

It hurts to hear that you told me that you didn't love me... when in reality, you did.

So I went through all that bullshit for no reason. I cried all those fucking tears for no reason. You broke my  heart for no reason. And at the same time, you broke your own fucking heart as well.

All of this could have been avoided. But what's done is done. There's no turning back.

My heart belongs to someone else now... someone imperfect, but someone who took the time to win my heart... someone I didn't have to grovel for their attention and love. Someone whose feelings I returned.

I don't want to hear that now. It's too late. It's too late for that sort of fuckery.

I want to live here and now, not there and then.

My heart isn't confused... it's just... full of pent up rage at the moment.

But at the moment... it seems as if you're the only one who cares. The one who cares enough to check up on me... text me... The one who wants to and makes every effort to spend time with me even though I'm so far away... you understand  my loneliness. And for that I am grateful... but that's about as far as I can let you enter my heart. I can't waver now. You're just a part of my past. I can never revisit those emotions.

I don't want....

I just want to sleep..... forever.

-ht

choked.

Gaah. I love you so much. I care about you so much.

I just can't say it to you. I wish I could say "I love you, too."

But I'm so scared. I really do love you. I wish I could push myself to say it.

I wish I could call you all those pet names. Hun. Babe. Love.

I can only whisper it. I can only type it out.

I love you, too. I do. And it hurts me so much that I can't put a voice to that.

It kills me every day.

Lovely.

It feels as if I'm living a dream. Looking back from where I was to where I am now... it feels so surreal.

I've been called a plethora of names all my life. I've been put down for so many reasons. I've been ignored.

Ugly.

Fatass.

Bitch.

Emo attention whore.

That quiet awkward girl.

I was ostracized by my whole class. I was alone and friendless for most of my childhood.

I was ridiculed and made fun of every single goddamn day. It was to the point of where either I kill myself or those who made my life a living hell. But I chose neither, thankfully.

No one would look at me. Not even my family. Truly, I was alone. Even I didn't want to look at myself.

I was ugly. No. I am ugly.

To other people... lately, they call me words that I've never, in  my life, heard directed towards me before. Words so foreign to me.

Beautiful.

Cute.

Adorable. 

 And phrases that I've hungered to hear all my life... I hear everyday.

Let me help you with that.

Don't worry. I'll take care of you... We take care of each other here.

Are you alright?

I care about you.

I worry about you.

I love it when you smile.

I want you to be happy.


Did you want to hang out this weekend? No? Tell me when you're free. I really want to hang out with you.


Let's hit the clubs. You're the only one I want to dance with.

And the one I fear most...

I love you.

It's like a dream. Wherein people would ignore me and wouldn't even care to give me a second glance...

Now... they pay attention to me. To the point of where I have to turn people down.

I'm not trying to boast or be conceited because I will never acknowledge myself as whatever people describe me nowadays.

Because I'll still feel ugly no matter what. No matter how many layers of make up I put on or whatever color I dye my hair.. whatever clothes I wear.

I'll be that fatass. I'll be that ugly bitch in the shadow.

I guess people are really that shallow.

Loose a bit of weight. Change my hairstyle. Dye my hair. Slather on some make up.

People will love you. People will adore you. They will respect you. They'll do everything they can to earn your approval.

But gain a few pounds. Let yourself go...

They will shun you at the drop of a pin. Left alone again.

Fucking bullshit. I hate this reality.

I never chose to change... society pushed me to.

I was desperate for that love and attention. There was a time when I starved myself. Threw up what little I ate. Exercised past the point of exhaustion. Put on fake lashes and layers of makeup... dyed my hair over and over again.

I got that attention. But they didn't love me. They loved my fake lashes. They loved my make up. They loved my clothes. It wasn't me. I was just a mannequin to display those. But I didn't realize it. I loved what I got. I found love. I found flings. But that love was without attachments. Those flings never lasted. I was empty on the inside. I loved without loving and was loved without being loved.

I was too caught up in temporary things. Swallowed my pains and sorrows in shots. Ran away from my past in heels on the dancefloor.

As for who I am now... I'm still trying to figure that out. All I know is that I am human. I have emotions. I will make mistakes. My heart can be broken... as with my body.

I will learn to be human again.

This is who I was.
 

 
This is who I am.

Hate me or love me... I don't care anymore.

I just want my smile back. I'm remembering that genuine happiness... ever so slowly. But I doubt I'll be the same again.

#34

Dear--,

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

I wish you wouldn't call me beautiful or adorable. Save those words for someone who really is.

Because I'm neither. I'm a wreck... I'm a wreck of a person... inside and out.

I don't want your attention anymore. I don't want you anymore.

Why do you still cling on to me like I clung on to you?

It's starting to look like the same story, only the roles are reversed.

But I won't lead you on like you did. I won't play mind games or fuck with your heart.

I'm better than that. I know how much it hurts, so I won't.

I'm not like you...

We all have to move on and live on... as painful as it is.

Start chasing  your dreams and live. Live for the moment and most importantly, live for yourself. Happiness stems from within and not from someone else. If you're not happy out of a relationship, then what makes you think being in one will change anything?

The ball's in your court... and this time, I'm just a spectator. So do what you must.

It's just how it is now. And it's sort of really sad to see us like this, but it's reality.

What we could have been. What we should've been. It doesn't matter anymore...

Bittersweet.... so bittersweet.

I really don't know what else to say. I honestly don't know. Lately, I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know what your intentions are.

I wish you'd think before anything else. You may end up hurting not only yourself, but those around you as well.

-ht.

#33

Dear --,

I don't know what to say. I wonder if you even read these anymore and a part of me hopes that you don't.

Why are you trying so hard to get into that part of my heart that you've personally destroyed? It's too late. Too late for anything.

All you are to me is someone that I care about: a really person who has done a lot for me in the past and taught me the taste of unrequited love.

I've moved on. I've had to. I was scared at first, but now my heart is attached to him and I doubt it'll ever let go.

So please stop saying all these things to me be it in person or in your blog. I love you as much as a any friend would and that's where I've drawn the line. Platonic. Though, on the topic of your recent post... I can't but to feel a twinge of hurt.

If you really felt that I was someone you could love then... why didn't you? Why did you fuck with my heart and play all those goddamned mindgames with me? You destroyed me. I screwed over a whole semester for you. I pushed away so many other guys because of you. You dragged me through so much shit. All those tears and sleepless nights that I drank away... You were the sole reason this stupid blog was created.

And now you have the balls to say that you "felt as if I was someone you could love?"

That's just another dagger to me. You don't hurt the people you love.

Never.

I really wish I could delve into your mind and figure out just what you're thinking so I know your reason behind these acts.

Why are you suddenly paying attention to me when I don't need want your attention anymore?

Why are you texting me when I don't want you to constantly bombard me with them?

Why do you miss me... when I don't miss you anymore?

Why do you say you love me when I don't... not anymore?

It's too late. It's too fucking late to fix the past. Why can't we all just move on and find that happiness that we all seek. Why can't we do that? I've worked hard and cried so many tears in order to move on and gutted you from my heart.

Why are you doing this to me now? Why. Suddenly you think it's all fine to barge into my life like everything's like what it used to be... when in reality, nothing's like before.

Nothing at all. You're living in a memory. The memory of what was... and nothing more.

For now, I'm merely humoring you because I don't have the heart to inflict the pain that you've inflicted on me.

I... don't know.

-ht.

It's one of those days again where I just hate myself.

I can't seem to do anything right and all I seem to do is rage.

God... I'm a horrible person.

守りたい君を。。。いつまでも～

そう言えば、どうすればいいかなぁぁ～

生きべき、死にべき。。。そうりゃ質問だ。

本当はアタシ死にたい。。。もういやだ～

I want to give up so badly. One deep cut to end it all... how simple is that?

Compared to fighting this pain. These nightmares.

But I can't. I need to be here so I can protect your smile. So I can protect your heart.

As much as I hate what I am... as much as I wish to destroy myself.

Fuck my life. Fuck these goddamn nightmares. Fuck these memories.

I don't want to remember anything. I just want to build a future where I'm free of that shit.

Old memories die hard.

remember.

How could I have let this slip my mind...

This explains my small bout of listless brooding.

A year has past already since you left our side for someplace better.

I survived. A year without you.

Without your careful guidance.

Without your boundless love.

A painful wretched year... where everything fell apart without you.

I did my best in keeping everyone together, but I was too busy to notice that I was falling and breaking into pieces.

At this point, I've done all that I can humanly do for them. Please understand.

I did everything you taught me to do. I need your guidance more than anything right now.

I wish... I could be where you are right now. There are so many things that I want to talk to you about... so many questions that I want to ask you.

I miss you so much. There isn't a day that goes by where you don't cross my mind.

You were the only one who truly cared about me... Who truly loved me out of even my own parents...

Once again, I'm all alone. But, I understand that I must be strong and carry on... without you.

I hope you are indeed at peace right now. You... of all people truly deserve that happiness.

whatever lies beyond this morning...

Or maybe I'm just wrong in my reasoning. I don't know anymore.

I've long learned that my mind is a useless thing.

I've learned that my emotions are also useless. Time after time, they have been the crux of my suffering and nothing more.

Let me sleep... let me sleep that permanent sleep. Or must I take this into my own hands and push myself into that eternal slumber?

No matter how many times I've though it through. How many times I've tried to think and reason my way out of it... even to the point of giving myself false hope that I'd conquer  my past and defeat my demons?

I can't. Ultimately, I really can't. The only reason why I'm still alive is that I gave up on living for myself. I gave up on my own hopes and dreams... I've embraced a living suicide.

Instead I live for others. That's it. Their hopes and dreams become mine.

My life is built upon sacrifice after sacrifice. I don't care if I'm happy anymore as long as the people around me are happy. As long as they h ave a future, I could care less about mine. It's meaningless. I am meaningless. I am irrelevant.

It's all that I can do. Holding on to something that belongs to everyone else to keep myself alive.

So there is my flawed reasoning. And, yet, this is my reality. This is what I have to wake up to. This is what I have to go to sleep to. This is what haunts me when there is silence.

This has become what I am. My only reason to exist.

To serve. I exist to serve and nothing more. It seems to be all that I'm good for anyway.

So be it. So be it. So be it.

Such is life and so let life live itself.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to save myself, but for now... for now... I don't know.

I'll just exist for the sake of others. It's not painful, nor is it bliss.

I exist in a living purgatory... because I committed a living suicide.

This is my punishment... or perhaps my reward. I do not know anymore.

adionoeta

It's rather difficult to not think about it, when I have to use with a box cutter every time I go to work.

I don't even know why anymore. The pain doesn't even do anything to me.

I don't feel the pain when it digs into my skin. Into my very flesh.

That used to be how it is. I did it for the pain to break through the  monotony and remind me that I have emotions. And the very fact that I was capable of feeling pain.

But now, the numbness... I'm afraid that I've become numb to the numbness.

Pain does little for me, save for that small bit of pleasure it brings. It has lost its meaning for me.

So now, I do it for the blood.

That dark crimson that flows, sweet-smelling and sticky.

I may be numb, but I am not blind. Yet.

That liquid life is my only reminder that I am still alive. That my heart is still beating and my body still functioning.

How sad. I thought I was better than this. I thought I've changed, but in the end, this is who I am.

I need to get over the past and move forward. I need to understand that there is a future... whether it be a bright or a dark one is solely dependent upon the choices I make.

I wish I could just forget everything and live in the moment. I'm sick and tired of being weighed down by what was.

I hate myself for this. I hate myself for a lot of things... I just want to rip myself apart so I can cease to exist. So I won't waste anymore space in this life.

Fuck this shit... it seems all I know is how to survive. I honestly don't know how to live.

How the hell do I live? Tell me. Someone. Anyone.

I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to only know how to follow orders. I want to live.

Goddamnit. Though, the only way is to find myself, get to know myself, and figure out what I want.

What I want out of this life.

Only I can help myself. I wish and I wish... I could converse with someone about this instead of being stuck in a circle.

My pov can only take me so far. I wish there was another I could share it with, so that I may see this in a different light.

But in the end, I have myself. These are the thoughts that I have to keep to myself... I can't weigh anyone down with my bullshit.

I'm not weak... though nor am I strong, but I can hold my own ground. I think.

I'm just so tired of being tired. I want to escape this way of thinking.

I'm tired of fighting this addiction. Just let me cut myself into oblivion... bleed and bleed until I am nothing but an empty shell.

Then maybe I won't be such a waste of space... this ugly little thing.

Save it for someone who is perfect.

Someone who isn't me. 

look into my eyes.

I can't save you anymore.

It's come to the point of where I can no longer protect you.

It's not out of spite that I can't. It's more of because I just simply can't.

I don't understand why, but that's just how it is.

I remember when I still could... back then.

I lived in a daily inferno, whilst you had complete control over my emotions.

And yet... I was strong. Or I thought I was. I was strong in the respect that I had built up walls around myself in which I  could block out people from hurting me.

And through that lack of vulnerability, I was able to save you as well... if only for a little bit.

But I'm not like that anymore. Who I was is no longer who I am.

And most likely, who I was hates who I am. I could care any less at this very moment in my life.

There are so many things that must be done. That must be addressed.

I just have to keep going. Keep going and ignore all other inhibitions.

It feels as if that's my only path to surviving.

But to survive what? What exactly is it that I have to survive? Does it not mean that I'll be able to live another day?

And yet... how does one "survive life" though... when all we are met with are the loving arms of death in the end.

No one survives life. You can get through life, but... that's about it.

Or so it seems. Survival... seems to be all that I know.

I wonder how it feels to be human... how does it feel to be like the others, without a past like mine.

I do wonder sometimes.

But, whatever.... life is life and I must live as it wills me to. I'm too tired to fight it. I'm too tired to fight everything.

I just want to live out the rest of my life with as little pain as possible.

I'm much too tired to go through all this bullshit and fuckery again.

It's taken a toll on my heart. It's taken a toll on my soul as well as my body.

I just wan to live.

That's all I wish for. That's all I want. That's all I'm working for.

To live. To die. Perchance... to dream.

I'm getting worse. This spout of depression is killing me...

How do I save myself? Without asking for help... without bothering anyone. Without weighing anyone down with my problems.

I want to cry so badly, but no tears fall.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep... and pray that I never have to wake up.

But I can't do that. There's work to be done.

I have to fight to keep this smile... so I can see you smile as well.

But at this point in my life, I'm not strong enough.

I have so many thing to worry about... so many things to take care of.

I am so lost.

I honestly don't want to fight anymore...

All I want to do is give up and let things slip away from me.

I thought I was strong enough to fight off these thoughts... knowing that it's that time of the year when I'm left questioning everything and anything.

Breaking down.

Guh. I don't even know what's wrong with me.

I have so much to worry about.

Once more, it's one of those days where dying sounds like a wonderful option at the moment.

Fuck this shit. I hate myself... the fact that I can't handle all these curve balls... and the fact that I can't hold everything in and I accidentally show my annoyance and frustration at you when you don't deserve it.

I'm so damn sorry. It's all my fault...

I don't deserve you... I'm too imperfect.

If only you knew how horrible of a person I truly am. So many things that I've done that I regret.

If only. If only. If only.

I'm glad you're free.

Free of her. Free of me.

So go and live your life the way you want it to be.

fly.

I hate myself sometimes. Most of the time...

Some days I'd wish I could rip my flesh off... so I don't have to be me anymore.

Rip off everything that makes me who I am... because I don't want to be who I am. What I am...

I hate my scars. I hate my height. I hate my small eyes. I hate my hair.

I hate... me.

I wonder... I always do wonder how it feels to be one of those beautiful people that everyone seems to admire. I wonder...

All my life, I've been spited and ridiculed for being who I am. For the way I look. For the way I act.

I just wish I could cut away at everything that everyone hates... so they would accept me.

I know perfection is just another flaw... wholly in the eyes of the beholder.

But for once, I wish I could be perfect. Then perhaps I can walk with my head up instead of avoiding people's eyes because I'm such a wreck.

I don't know. It's just one of those days where I find everything about myself to be complete shit.

もう六ヶ月になちゃったなの？アタシと君。。。一緒。

色々な事あったんだけどう。。。君のことも大好きんだよ。

ね、知ってるの？　

時間が変われる。
季節も変われる。
人々。。。も変われる。

でも。。。ね。。。アタシは君の気持ちが変わらない。それ。。。本当だよ。信じてください。

だから、君のそばにずっとずっといさっせてくれて。君の全て守りたいんだ。

point break.

If only you knew how scared I am of losing you.

I don't openly tell you my emotions and exactly how much this relationship means to me...

not because I'm unsure of what we have or how I feel towards you.

It's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid this all might end... from the very start of our relationship, I've been afraid of this.

Remember that one evening on the train? When you were taking me to downtown and I cried?

I never admitted it... but you were right. I cried out of fear. I cried because I was scared that everything would disappear one day.

And because you are so much like me... I was dreading the day that you'd catch up to me in that fear.

And that day has come.

Doubt and fear destroy a lot of things. I've learned that the hard way.

This is why I chose to live carefreely and not care about anything. Or so I try my hardest to do so.

I live in the moment. Where ever opportunity takes me I will follow... all in the name of protecting my heart. All in the name of protecting people around me.

I've tasted heartbreak so many times, I honestly, don't want to swallow that pain ever again. So many times I just wanted my heart to stop. So I won't have to wake up. So I wouldn't have to feel that weight on my chest sink in all over again. Every goddamn morning. I'm scared. As much of a masochist I am... I'm scared to death of pain. This type of pain... the one that kills without a trace. The silent killer. The one that you can hide with a fake smile.

But... if it comes that day that you wish to splinter off and do what you want to do, I won't stop you. I don't want to make you stay if you don't want to. If there are bigger and better things you want to move on to, I'll support you all the way, even if it means I have to suffer. If there's someone who can make you happier than I can ever possibly be capable of then please... I won't be selfish and keep you... as much as my heart wishes to put up a fight.

I'm willing to let you go because I love you just that much. As long as you're happy, I'll be happy as well. 

I act like I don't care about a lot of things, but I really do. It's the things that I appear to care least about that I care the most about. 

Because I'm scared to acknowledge the fact that I care. The fact that those things are important to me.

The fact that you're so important to me.

I've never met anyone quite like you... quite like me.

No one I've ever dated has cared enough to take me home on a near daily basis... regardless of how far.

No one has ever done so much for me.

No one has ever put so much thought in what a relationship is.

No one has apologized for the small little things before.

No one has ever tried so hard to win my heart...

No one.  And I really don't know why you care so much... because I'm not worth that much in people's eyes. Not even in my own family's. Not even to myself. But I really wish I could tell you that I care about you as much as that... and even more. The majority of the things I do... I never take a step without thinking of how it'd affect you first.

I was scared to love and I still am. But fear doesn't stop me from falling in love... because the heart is a very selfish thing. 

And at this point... I'm just so afraid of losing you. But I don't want to let my selfishness get in the way of what you want out of life... because in the end it's you who gets to die and you who has to live with those regrets. So live the way you want to... even if it means you have to hurt a few people in the process.

As for me, my life was destroyed to begin with. I don't really have a future to look forward to... at any point I am ready to die... and that's alright.

Haha... this is like Brian all over again. Those very same words I never thought I'd have to hear all over again.

It really seems my life was never made for any lasting happiness... ah well. I must've been a horrible person in my past life and so I'm paying dearly for all the sins that I've committed in this lifetime. 

So be it. I really don't want to cry anymore... but I can't really hold it in anymore either. Fuuuuuuuuuck my life. I wish my heart could choose this very moment to stop... at least I'll die knowing someone still loves and cares about me. I don't want to die with a broken heart,

I don't want these tears to fall... but...

With all my strength, I will protect you.

My final promise to you. 

#32

Dear--,

The only way out of your situation is if you choose to help yourself. Help must come from within. You must want that, you must desire that change in order to change yourself. Others can only help you so much, because this life is about you and only you. Love yourself before you love anyone else, that's the only way to cure solitude. Solitude isn't a situation it's a mindset.

Change your mind and you change your world.

Think about it.

Regards,

ht.

#31

Dear--,

And if you are still reading this, just know that I'm still here to help you, if you need anyone to talk to or anything... but please please please please, stay the fuck away from my goddamn heart. It's strictly Platonic now.. what we have.

You were the very person who told me those very same heart-piercing words "let's stay friends." Well, now I'll serve you the same plate of pain.

Let's remain friends.

 I'll do my best to ease your pain and help you sort your problems out, so long as it remains that way. I can only do so much for you now. It still hurts me to see you in pain, but at the same time... that sadistic side of me wishes to smugly sit by the sidelines and watch you suffer. But I can't allow myself to do that... so indeed, if you are reading this, Bravo... I'm still here for you, despite the distance, both physical and emotional. So talk to me, text, AIM and whatever shit you want because I want you to be happy.

Your happiness still matters to me... even though you were the one who took away mine. I want you to smile again, despite the fact that you were the reason why I forgot how to smile.


But I do wonder, though... granted you still  venture  here. And if you do, please answer me this:

How does it feel to be in my shoes? Tell me. How does it feel to taste a fraction of the pain you've put me through. Dragged me forcible into? Tell me. I'm at my wit's end... and am dying of curiosity.

So when you fall to the ground
And finally get back to reality
And no one at all is around
So tell me how does it feel to be the enemy?




Regards,

HT

a reflection of my shadow.

I've a bit too much time to kill, so I decided to just read over my older posts.

I realized those entries don't get to me anymore. The pain of my words, it's bitterness, I can no longer taste.

Perhaps, I am over him.

Perhaps, I can finally start living again and let my heart heal.

Allowing the ebb and flow of all the emotions that I've deprived myself of, that I've taught myself to fear and hate to fill the cracks and mend the unmendable.

I was so foolish back then. I should've just let him go while I could've and saved myself from all that nonsense. But, I was stupid and blinded by that foolish love that I held on. Held onto nothing. Nothing at all...

Though, I wouldn't say that I'd erase or undo that part of myself, given that chance. The whole experience has taught me so much about loving someone. About trusting someone with your heart... someone that doesn't know how to take care of it.

I've had a smorgasbord of unrequited love over these past few months. Oh, how bittersweet as it slides across my tongue... slipped into a tunnel of dispair and digested by self-loathing.

It was and forever will be a learning experience for me... though one that I don't wish to live through again. All these scars.... and wounds... I'm still recovering from. And I doubt I'll be the same person again... but that's always something I can aim for. Something that I can try to become once more.

But by living through that, I've been drained of all hope... truthfully speaking. I really don't know what I'm living for. I've been detached from myself for so long that I no longer know what I want from myself. I've never been so lost. I honestly don't give a shit about myself. At this point... at any moment... I am ready for death. At least that way, I'll be reunited with a lot of people that I care about... and perhaps, I'll be free of all these memories and all these pains.

But something keeps me here... something here keeps me from giving  up and straight-up killing myself. Perhaps, it's the possibility that I'll remember how to love again. The possibility that I can have a future where I'm not in constant pain, haunted by the past. Because I've finally found a person that actually gives a shit about me... I've found that one thing that I've fought tooth and nail to find. That one thing that was my reason to fight so hard and to survive... despite all the fuckery and bullshit I've had to swallow.

And for that person. For that reason. I'll hold on. I'll keep going. Not for myself...

because for once, I don't have to fight alone anymore. At this very moment... I am not alone.

My shadow is here and I am whole once more.

#30

Dear-,

You are confusing the fuck out of me. Oh, how I wish I could say that to your face. Why is it that the moment I stop giving you attention, stopped "liking" you that you focus on me? It's too late. Much too late.

Why the hell are you waiting until now to give me this sort of attention? Why did you do that when I was head over heels in love with you? You could've saved me from so much goddamn pain, asshole. Prevented so many sleepless, tear-filled nights. Why must you lie in wait, until the moment I've found someone else to love to do all these things? Asking me to hangout and go clubbing and other bullshit with you.

Why do you bother even flirting with me anymore... That doesn't get to me the way it used to. Remember? How you lead me on... on and on, deeper into that sick and twisted labyrinth of pain.

It's come to the point of where I'm somewhat annoyed and irritated at you. It almost seems as if I'm nothing but a pet to you. When I give you attention, you ignore me. It's when I have someone else whom I can dote my attention and affection to and reciporcates it that you pay attention to me. How sad...

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. It feels as if my only salvation lies within cutting ties with you. There's still a lot of wounds that have yet to be healed. The ones that you've inflicted... sliced right through my heart of ice that you've melted.

Meh... I doubt you even read this anymore. So whatever. I'm only writing these letters for my benefit. I don't give a shit what you think anymore. You've caused more than enough damage. More than enough pain to last me a lifetime.
Regards,
HT

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

sleepless dreaming.

Delta Lima.

You stupid fool. Goddamn... I only hope you're okay where ever you are. I wonder how it feels to be on the otherside.

It only seems as if it was yesterday when we were assigned to the same division and unit... embarking in countless training sessions and exams. Eventually you were assigned to be my partner. My comrade. The one whom I was to entrust my life to... and somehow along the road... my heart, if only temporarily. It was inevitable, though... all that time we've spent together in temporary bliss. So foolish we were. It was a fling that was never supposed to happen. Out of pathetic lust rather than passion or love... so caught in the moment. We forgot who we were.

All of this still feels so surreal to me. I don't want to believe that you're gone. I really don't. But that's the sad reality and I must face it with my entirety.

Good bye, my dear. Sleep in peace. Rest for now and let us finish the rest.

whatever lies beyond this morning...

It's come to that point of where I have to step it up.

I need to be stronger, better, and braver. There's no space for weakness. I can't cower behind anything anymore. I need to let go and move on. I have a whole life ahead of me that I need to build and a present that I must rebuild.

To live. To die. Perchance... to dream. To dream no more, as reality awaits. And so I must take these risks and chances. And take them I did... hence this is why I've uprooted myself from my place of comfort into foreign territory.

In the span of these few months, I have changed once more. Indeed I have become stronger... yet at the same time I've in a sense grown weaker. But, this is a good weakness, I guess. All these emotions that I've held back in my heart out of fear to tasting that bittersweet heartbreak once more have slowly trickled back. I'm honestly still afraid to love and grow attached to a person. It's just too much of a risk and impossible to calculate the logistis. But... I can't back down. I can't just let go. I don't understand why, but I just can't give up just because I'm scared of getting hurt again. I don't know... eh.

What's there to life anyway? Nothing really. At least in my eyes. But even if there's nothing to life, I'd rather live life with someone that I can waste away nothing with. I guess. Ooh, only the rest of my life will tell.

As for now, I'll keep walking. I'll keep fighting as painful as this battle is. I don't know...

Let it end.

Why can'I let myself be happy?

Why must everything be laced with the dark bitterness of pain?

I'm on the edge of giving up. I am ready to die... as selfish as that sounds.

I'm not strong enough to live.

So... I have numbered my days. I really can't do this anymore. It feels as if the longer I exist in my current state, the more I'm hurting my parents.

I don't want to cause anyone anymore pain.

It's so hard to believe that I've retreated to thinking like this again. I really thought I was better than this, but I guess not.

I don't want to wake up anymore...

All I want to do is end it all.

I can't fight anymore.

I just want to disappear.

I can't keep going. Not even for myself.

I'm too tired.

I hate who I am.

I really hate the way I act and react to things.

I wish I could change myself.

I am...... shit. Goddamnit. If I could rip myself apart I could.

I really really hate myself.

Why am I so afraid of getting attached to anyone?

I wish I could trust my heart to you. I really do... but I'm so scared.

my lofty quest.

It's still hard to believe that anyone would be happy to see me or even want to spend time with me.

I've come a long way from who I used to be, I guess.

I'm still not used to this life. It feels as if I'm becoming weak, as emotions that I've worked so hard to suppress fill my heart.

I'm not alone anymore.

But at the same time, I'm scared to attach myself to anyone. I don't want to go through that pain anymore. I've tasted it too many times. Truly, pain is not a flavor I favor.

Ultimately, I guess I need to learn how to trust again. Somehow.

So this journey continues.

Why the hell am I trying so hard to save you...

When you were the very one who tortured and destroyed me?

There's a fine line between kindness and stupidity. I believe I've just crossed it.

It's one of those nights when I just want to give it all up.

Once more... death is my only option. I'm drowning.


So please let me die. End this... end me.

#29

Dear--,

Okay. I lied. That wasn't the last letter.

So many things have changed these past months. Heh...

I'm not scared to say your name anymore. Memories of you and I no longer haunt me... though it still pains me at times. I'm not letting you shadow my life anymore. All the pain and bullshit you've dragged me through means nothing to me.

But... that doesn't mean that you mean nothing to me. Even though you shouldn't.

I don't know what to think about you anymore.

You've played with my heart and lead me on for so long... and dropped me like I meant nothing to you. But once I gave up chasing you and engaged into a relationship, you started showing interest in me, asking me to hangout and started talking to me again.

God... you're a heartless bastard.

What the fuck was I thinking? Why the hell couldn't you have saved me from this pain and told me it was just a fucking fling so I didn't develop expectations of pushing what we had further.

I've worked so hard to move on. Just let me live in peace with the life I have now.

I wish you'd keep ignoring me. The less we talk the less painful it'll be.

Let's just make both our presence and dialogue scarce.

Just like old fucking times when you'd leave me hanging. Remember? Because I do.

I don't even know anymore... What's done is done. And so we must deal with our respective consequences.

-ht.

Say goodbye now and mean it forever.
Got to move on and keep it together.
Forget the things that you've said and you've done.
That's in the past, here comes the sun.

Note to self.

As scared as I am. I won't give up. I won't back down from this challenge.

I'll fight and survive this until the very end. I've let too many opportunities pass me by.

Why does it feel like my only option is death at the moment?

shimatta

I dream of this future where I'm free of all current attachments.

Where I'm free of myself.

I await that one day when I can genuinely be happy. Where my smiles are not laced with pain. Where I no longer have to push myself to wear a mask.

I want to be free. I don't want to be in pain anymore.

I want to find my heart again, so I can love again.

I don't want to be loved... I want to love as well.

hanasanai de...

Is it worth the sacrifice.

Throwing away my past and paving a new future... in a completely new place.

A blank canvas.

Severing all ties... so that I may start over again.

Is this risk worth it?

Am I ready?

night.

What I want to do... and what I must do.

I need to reach a concensus.

truth.

I still love you...

I told you my feelings won't change.

But... I need someone to love me as well.

So I must keep going and learn to love another.

Hi. It's me again.

I just wanted to put this into words and reaffirm myself.

I will never give my heart to anyone anymore.

I'll give it to everyone.

I'll live for everyone, including myself.

Adieu.

Ah, sorry Ken. I've got to go against your advice this time.

I'm leaving this blog for good. There's no need for these memories anymore.

They've served their purpose.

Thanks again, Ken... if you still venture here.

fin?

But at the same time... I was told this place can't die yet.

I am at a loss.

void.

I have betrayed the contents of this blog as well as everything I've fought to protect.

I need to find a new home for my writings.

My decision to compromise this sanctuary holds no regret to that of myself.

I bid you adieu, Bullet-Proof Dreams. Thank you for giving me a place to confide my darkest thoughts and secrets in, whilst keeping me sane.

1.27.11

live.

MADA AISHITERU KIMI. DAKARA... NE. IKANAIDE.

Kill me.

REM

Hey, I'm ready to wake up now.

Shake me from this fucking nightmare...

I want to live again.

perpetual.

It's taking all of my effort to get up in the morning nowadays.

How many more days left do I have to keep pretending that everything's alright?

Only the rest of my life to go.

Charming.

#28

Dear--,

My last letter to you. I think.

A wonderful friend sent me this song... I wish I could share this with you.

But I can't, and so I'll place it here.

"I used to know my place was the spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fallout,
So many things that I wish that you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dyin' to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
Yeah
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now"



ht

#27

Dear--,

So long and good night.

I'm in for one hell of a ride.

ht.

#26

Dear--,

I can't... I don't even know what to say to you anymore. I don't know how to speak to you... how to act around you anymore.

I... forget it. Forget I even cared. Forget I even liked you. Forget everything.

I'm too numb to care. These tears mean nothing to me.

ht.

waver.

All I want is someone to hold me right now and tell me I'll survive this shit.

because I have nothing left to hold on to.

Everything is happening at once.

you.

I'm finished.

I've never needed someone to lean on so much in my life.

My heart hurts. My mind is flooded. I can't move anymore.

It feels as if I'm backed up into a corner with no where to run.

I'm helping everyone with their problems and piling my own up.

I don't want to keep a front anymore.

I don't want to hide my true feelings anymore.

I want to be myself. I want to be Hannah, with my emotions and flaws.

I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be.

I want to say what I feel. I don't want to keep my raw emotions confined to this blog.

I want people to know how I really feel.

But I can't. If I do... I'm criticized for being emo... for being hungry for attention.

So I have to be what they want me to be. So I smile and I joke.

Lies upon more lies. That's my life.

I don't even know anymore.

I'm not strong enough to do this alone.

There's too much going on.

I didn't even get to mourn yet.

And already, you've given another to Death's grasp.

Why don't you just give me away instead?

Let me sleep. I'm exhausted as well.

point.

Why are these tears falling?

Stupid girl.

I promised myself I wouldn't...

I've been trying with all my entirety to be strong, going beyond the limits of my pain threshold. This has become too much to bear. I don't know how long I can remain like this...


I've tried my best to brush off all that you do to me, but... I'm too weary to continue this madness. I've given up in trying to protect myself. Just deal the finishing blow and end me.

How much farther must I fall before I hit the bottom?

Why, why the hell is he doing this to me?

Just be straight-forward. Don't just abandon me like this.

At least tell me what went wrong.

I thought he was better than this. We've both tasted the same pain. I thought he understood.

But I was so fucking wrong.

And look at me now. I'm a pretty mess aren't I?

It's taking all of my effort to keep myself together.

My pain. My sweet private pain.

I... was a fool to open my heart again. I should've known better.

Stupid girl.

Look at yourself now... sleeping on tear drenched pillows. Walking with a stolen smile, devoid of any real emotion, wearing a shattered heart taped together by false hope. You've become nothing more than a puppet. A filthy marionette. Controlled by him...

You fool.

Indeed. I've forgotten everything I've learned and stupidly fell in love.

And now I'm falling...

falling...

falling...

not into the welcoming arms of a lover, but Misery.

I suppose I should make do with what I have.

Whatever it takes to survive...

even if it's pathetically.

#25

Dear--,

You.

What the is it? Just tell me.

You say hi and then what? Leave me fucking hanging. that's what.

Don't even bothering saying "hi" if you're not going to respond.

This is the main reason why I don't IM you first, because you don't even reply.

I don't get you. You're killing me day by day.



Yours,
ht

slip.

Letting my heart die one day at a time.

The numbness will kick in soon.

Eventually this pain'll disappear and I can finally live in peace.

#24

Dear--,

Huuh... I won't deny it, but I've spent the latter of your absence trying to get over you and move on. I thought I had succeeded in closing my heart and severing all my attachments to you... for a while.

But... it just took one fucking

word..

to undo all my hard work.

I'm back to where I've started. Thanks. Really.

My masks... my walls are shattering with each second. I can feel the shards falling upon the ground, reverberating against the core of my existence.

I thought I'd fucking won. What the hell happened? Why is is to damn hard to get over you?

Tell me. Somebody... anybody. Tell me.

Why is it harder to let go than to hang on?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

You do this to me. You know that?

Once again, I have to pretend... pretend that everything is alright.

I'm sick and fucking tired of being at your mercy.

Rip my heart out and destroy it, please.

If it must be done to end this pain... then let it be by your hands.

I've already tried and I can't seem to be able to destroy it.

Why... do I.. let you get to me so easily? Damnit. Damn this to hell.

You're just this amazing...

and I hate you for that.

I hate myself even more though...

I... don't know anymore. I just want to disappear and get you out of my damn mind.

Let this be over. Let me be over.

"So, I took all night to write a stupid love letter to you.

Yeah you! From me, to you!

And all the time that I wasted on this stupid love letter to you!

Fuck you!"




Regards,
ht

adverse.

I'm back. I survived.

Did I really lose my smile?

In the span of three months...

Did I really change that much?

Have I forgotten how to live?

I'm so good at faking it... perhaps I've been stuck living in that facade.

That everything was alright. When reality was breaking beneath my feet.