point break.

If only you knew how scared I am of losing you.

I don't openly tell you my emotions and exactly how much this relationship means to me...

not because I'm unsure of what we have or how I feel towards you.

It's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid this all might end... from the very start of our relationship, I've been afraid of this.

Remember that one evening on the train? When you were taking me to downtown and I cried?

I never admitted it... but you were right. I cried out of fear. I cried because I was scared that everything would disappear one day.

And because you are so much like me... I was dreading the day that you'd catch up to me in that fear.

And that day has come.

Doubt and fear destroy a lot of things. I've learned that the hard way.

This is why I chose to live carefreely and not care about anything. Or so I try my hardest to do so.

I live in the moment. Where ever opportunity takes me I will follow... all in the name of protecting my heart. All in the name of protecting people around me.

I've tasted heartbreak so many times, I honestly, don't want to swallow that pain ever again. So many times I just wanted my heart to stop. So I won't have to wake up. So I wouldn't have to feel that weight on my chest sink in all over again. Every goddamn morning. I'm scared. As much of a masochist I am... I'm scared to death of pain. This type of pain... the one that kills without a trace. The silent killer. The one that you can hide with a fake smile.

But... if it comes that day that you wish to splinter off and do what you want to do, I won't stop you. I don't want to make you stay if you don't want to. If there are bigger and better things you want to move on to, I'll support you all the way, even if it means I have to suffer. If there's someone who can make you happier than I can ever possibly be capable of then please... I won't be selfish and keep you... as much as my heart wishes to put up a fight.

I'm willing to let you go because I love you just that much. As long as you're happy, I'll be happy as well. 

I act like I don't care about a lot of things, but I really do. It's the things that I appear to care least about that I care the most about. 

Because I'm scared to acknowledge the fact that I care. The fact that those things are important to me.

The fact that you're so important to me.

I've never met anyone quite like you... quite like me.

No one I've ever dated has cared enough to take me home on a near daily basis... regardless of how far.

No one has ever done so much for me.

No one has ever put so much thought in what a relationship is.

No one has apologized for the small little things before.

No one has ever tried so hard to win my heart...

No one.  And I really don't know why you care so much... because I'm not worth that much in people's eyes. Not even in my own family's. Not even to myself. But I really wish I could tell you that I care about you as much as that... and even more. The majority of the things I do... I never take a step without thinking of how it'd affect you first.

I was scared to love and I still am. But fear doesn't stop me from falling in love... because the heart is a very selfish thing. 

And at this point... I'm just so afraid of losing you. But I don't want to let my selfishness get in the way of what you want out of life... because in the end it's you who gets to die and you who has to live with those regrets. So live the way you want to... even if it means you have to hurt a few people in the process.

As for me, my life was destroyed to begin with. I don't really have a future to look forward to... at any point I am ready to die... and that's alright.

Haha... this is like Brian all over again. Those very same words I never thought I'd have to hear all over again.

It really seems my life was never made for any lasting happiness... ah well. I must've been a horrible person in my past life and so I'm paying dearly for all the sins that I've committed in this lifetime. 

So be it. I really don't want to cry anymore... but I can't really hold it in anymore either. Fuuuuuuuuuck my life. I wish my heart could choose this very moment to stop... at least I'll die knowing someone still loves and cares about me. I don't want to die with a broken heart,

I don't want these tears to fall... but...