I've a bit too much time to kill, so I decided to just read over my older posts.
I realized those entries don't get to me anymore. The pain of my words, it's bitterness, I can no longer taste.
Perhaps, I am over him.
Perhaps, I can finally start living again and let my heart heal.
Allowing the ebb and flow of all the emotions that I've deprived myself of, that I've taught myself to fear and hate to fill the cracks and mend the unmendable.
I was so foolish back then. I should've just let him go while I could've and saved myself from all that nonsense. But, I was stupid and blinded by that foolish love that I held on. Held onto nothing. Nothing at all...
Though, I wouldn't say that I'd erase or undo that part of myself, given that chance. The whole experience has taught me so much about loving someone. About trusting someone with your heart... someone that doesn't know how to take care of it.
I've had a smorgasbord of unrequited love over these past few months. Oh, how bittersweet as it slides across my tongue... slipped into a tunnel of dispair and digested by self-loathing.
It was and forever will be a learning experience for me... though one that I don't wish to live through again. All these scars.... and wounds... I'm still recovering from. And I doubt I'll be the same person again... but that's always something I can aim for. Something that I can try to become once more.
But by living through that, I've been drained of all hope... truthfully speaking. I really don't know what I'm living for. I've been detached from myself for so long that I no longer know what I want from myself. I've never been so lost. I honestly don't give a shit about myself. At this point... at any moment... I am ready for death. At least that way, I'll be reunited with a lot of people that I care about... and perhaps, I'll be free of all these memories and all these pains.
But something keeps me here... something here keeps me from giving up and straight-up killing myself. Perhaps, it's the possibility that I'll remember how to love again. The possibility that I can have a future where I'm not in constant pain, haunted by the past. Because I've finally found a person that actually gives a shit about me... I've found that one thing that I've fought tooth and nail to find. That one thing that was my reason to fight so hard and to survive... despite all the fuckery and bullshit I've had to swallow.
And for that person. For that reason. I'll hold on. I'll keep going. Not for myself...
because for once, I don't have to fight alone anymore. At this very moment... I am not alone.
My shadow is here and I am whole once more.
I realized those entries don't get to me anymore. The pain of my words, it's bitterness, I can no longer taste.
Perhaps, I am over him.
Perhaps, I can finally start living again and let my heart heal.
Allowing the ebb and flow of all the emotions that I've deprived myself of, that I've taught myself to fear and hate to fill the cracks and mend the unmendable.
I was so foolish back then. I should've just let him go while I could've and saved myself from all that nonsense. But, I was stupid and blinded by that foolish love that I held on. Held onto nothing. Nothing at all...
Though, I wouldn't say that I'd erase or undo that part of myself, given that chance. The whole experience has taught me so much about loving someone. About trusting someone with your heart... someone that doesn't know how to take care of it.
I've had a smorgasbord of unrequited love over these past few months. Oh, how bittersweet as it slides across my tongue... slipped into a tunnel of dispair and digested by self-loathing.
It was and forever will be a learning experience for me... though one that I don't wish to live through again. All these scars.... and wounds... I'm still recovering from. And I doubt I'll be the same person again... but that's always something I can aim for. Something that I can try to become once more.
But by living through that, I've been drained of all hope... truthfully speaking. I really don't know what I'm living for. I've been detached from myself for so long that I no longer know what I want from myself. I've never been so lost. I honestly don't give a shit about myself. At this point... at any moment... I am ready for death. At least that way, I'll be reunited with a lot of people that I care about... and perhaps, I'll be free of all these memories and all these pains.
But something keeps me here... something here keeps me from giving up and straight-up killing myself. Perhaps, it's the possibility that I'll remember how to love again. The possibility that I can have a future where I'm not in constant pain, haunted by the past. Because I've finally found a person that actually gives a shit about me... I've found that one thing that I've fought tooth and nail to find. That one thing that was my reason to fight so hard and to survive... despite all the fuckery and bullshit I've had to swallow.
And for that person. For that reason. I'll hold on. I'll keep going. Not for myself...
because for once, I don't have to fight alone anymore. At this very moment... I am not alone.
My shadow is here and I am whole once more.
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