#41

Dear-,

You asked the question. I asked you to elaborate and specify.

Yet, you fail to deliver. I can't help you if you don't help me help yourself.

I'm not the one in pain here. You are. You're creating this nonexistent mess in your head.

Stop. Just stop. You're killing yourself.

I hate watching people suffer like this. I hate watching you succumb to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes.

That's not the you I know, nor is that the you that anyone else knew.

You're slowly turning into Nalica... and I don't want that/ No one does.

So open your eyes and realize that you're the one who needs help. Stop trying to be a goddamn hero, trying to help everyone with their problems. I wish you'd realize that to be able to help others, you must first know how to help yourself first. If you can't even help yourself, then what gives you the fucking right to help other people?

It doesn't make fucking sense.

Get some fucking help. You're the fucking one that needs it most.

We don't need shit from you right now. All we want is for you to get your damn self out of the fucking gutter and rebuild your goddamn life. You're full of potential. You just keep fucking up because you keep doubting yourself. Shit. It pisses the shit out of me when you're like this. You've survived so much shit. You've been through so much shit. Why the fuck are you letting all these little things get to you?

I don't fucking get it.

I've survived my fair share of shit. Yes, I get easily trapped into bouts of depression, but I don't let it take me. I don't let it consume me. I fight back. I fight and fight with all my goddamn might until I come out of it. I don't give a fuck if I come out scarred and fucked up. What matters most is that I'm alive and functional.

This is as blunt as I can get. Anger pushes me to speak up and speak the fucking truth.

So here. I don't fucking see why you're letting the lack of a fucking relationship get to you. Shit. There's more to life than that. There are ups and downs. Trust me, I'm pretty fucking sure that once you get into one, you'll be fucking complaining and getting depressed about that shit too. If you're not happy when you're single, then why the fuck would being in a relationship change that. True,  you'll have someone to support  you, but in the end you have only yourself. Because you'll be a fucking burden to that person, making them miserable as well.

You're better than this. Fuck. Grow a pair of balls and grow the fuck up. Simple as that. Push yourself to do what you THINK you can't do. You're only as strong as you allow yourself to be. So think bigger and think stronger. Change your perspective and you change your world.

Don't turn to fucking drugs or alcohol to solve your shit because it'll only fuck you up even more. Shit.

And another thing, stop being so self-centered. Not all my fucking problems are stemmed from you. Why the hell would you assume that? My life isn't centered around you. Why the hell are you paying so much attention to me now? When it's too late. Why couldn't have read my tumblr when it mattered most. When I spent night after fucking night crying over you. Shit. Why are you doing this to me? Can't you see?

I don't love you anymore. I fought tooth and nail to get over you and I don't need you coming back into my life, trying to bring those feelings back. I don't want that nor do I need it. I just want  you as a friend. That's all I want right now. I don't want you bringing shit from the past. I don't want you telling me how you felt about me back then how you supposedly loved me. It doesn't apply right now. And all you're doing is pissing me off even more. I have other shit to worry about. So stop thinking that all this shit is about you. Because it's not. So chill the fuck out and stop bothering me about it.

I want you to be fucking happy. Happier than I can ever be. I want you to live the life that you've always wanted. I want you to be better than me.
-ht.