Lovely.

It feels as if I'm living a dream. Looking back from where I was to where I am now... it feels so surreal.

I've been called a plethora of names all my life. I've been put down for so many reasons. I've been ignored.

Ugly.

Fatass.

Bitch.

Emo attention whore.

That quiet awkward girl.

I was ostracized by my whole class. I was alone and friendless for most of my childhood.

I was ridiculed and made fun of every single goddamn day. It was to the point of where either I kill myself or those who made my life a living hell. But I chose neither, thankfully.

No one would look at me. Not even my family. Truly, I was alone. Even I didn't want to look at myself.

I was ugly. No. I am ugly.

To other people... lately, they call me words that I've never, in  my life, heard directed towards me before. Words so foreign to me.

Beautiful.

Cute.

Adorable. 

 And phrases that I've hungered to hear all my life... I hear everyday.

Let me help you with that.

Don't worry. I'll take care of you... We take care of each other here.

Are you alright?

I care about you.

I worry about you.

I love it when you smile.

I want you to be happy.


Did you want to hang out this weekend? No? Tell me when you're free. I really want to hang out with you.


Let's hit the clubs. You're the only one I want to dance with.

And the one I fear most...

I love you.

It's like a dream. Wherein people would ignore me and wouldn't even care to give me a second glance...

Now... they pay attention to me. To the point of where I have to turn people down.

I'm not trying to boast or be conceited because I will never acknowledge myself as whatever people describe me nowadays.

Because I'll still feel ugly no matter what. No matter how many layers of make up I put on or whatever color I dye my hair.. whatever clothes I wear.

I'll be that fatass. I'll be that ugly bitch in the shadow.

I guess people are really that shallow.

Loose a bit of weight. Change my hairstyle. Dye my hair. Slather on some make up.

People will love you. People will adore you. They will respect you. They'll do everything they can to earn your approval.

But gain a few pounds. Let yourself go...

They will shun you at the drop of a pin. Left alone again.

Fucking bullshit. I hate this reality.

I never chose to change... society pushed me to.

I was desperate for that love and attention. There was a time when I starved myself. Threw up what little I ate. Exercised past the point of exhaustion. Put on fake lashes and layers of makeup... dyed my hair over and over again.

I got that attention. But they didn't love me. They loved my fake lashes. They loved my make up. They loved my clothes. It wasn't me. I was just a mannequin to display those. But I didn't realize it. I loved what I got. I found love. I found flings. But that love was without attachments. Those flings never lasted. I was empty on the inside. I loved without loving and was loved without being loved.

I was too caught up in temporary things. Swallowed my pains and sorrows in shots. Ran away from my past in heels on the dancefloor.

As for who I am now... I'm still trying to figure that out. All I know is that I am human. I have emotions. I will make mistakes. My heart can be broken... as with my body.

I will learn to be human again.

This is who I was.
 

 
This is who I am.

Hate me or love me... I don't care anymore.

I just want my smile back. I'm remembering that genuine happiness... ever so slowly. But I doubt I'll be the same again.