I don't even know why I still write those stupid letters to him.
I shouldn't even be letting him get to me. What he does shouldn't matter to me anymore. I shouldn't have to give a shit. Maybe it's time for me to full let go of all of this and just fully move on and get on with my life.
Shit. I don't need this shit in my life anymore.
Live on and let live. C'est la vie. So be it.
I'm so tired of the past catching up to me. I'm so tired of the family trying to control my life.
Exes... if I can even call them that. People I've had flings with back when I didn't give a shit about anything. I was too hungry for acceptance. Too desperate to please. Too deprived of love. So I gave in to everything. Fuck. And now that shit's catching up to me. I don't want them calling me now. I don't want them in my life at all. They were mistakes... as much as I don't want to say it. But they were also learning lessons... so many of them that I lost count. I hate it. I hate myself for it. There's not a goddamn day that passes by wherein which I regret those. I was too loose. Too free with myself. I didn't think myself to be worth anything and merely wanted a cheap thrill. I don't know... I just want to be free of those because I don't want those memories to come back. I don't want to keep beating myself up for that shit. I don't want to be angry at myself every single goddamn day because of those people.
I'm sick and tired of my family getting to me on things I've cleared up with them about. Holy shit man. You all don't fucking listen to what I fucking have to say. Shit. If you all only listened then you wouldn't be in this shit and you wouldn't have to worry about all this shit. What the fuck is wrong with you all? I love you, but holy shit, you're pushing me to my limits. I don't want to spend every waking moment, feeling guilty because I know you guys are going apeshit over nonexistent bullshit. The only reason why I don't text back anymore is not because I'm running away. It's because you don't read it. You don't comprehend it. I tell you straight up what's going on and that I'm fine, but you don't get it. I'm dying on the inside reading all your texts... every fucking day.
It kills me to see you like this but at the same time, I have to defend myself. I can't give into your bullshit everytime. It's not as if I'm here fucking shit up or anything. I'm living a normal life, trying to earn a decent living and gaining my independence. I don't think you realize that I've reached the age where I have to go out there into the "real world" and fend for myself. If I had remained where I was... I'd never grow up. You kill me with your love. And you're too blind in your fuckery to see what the rest of us sees. God damn. I think you two are the ones who need to grow the fuck up. I'm trying my best. I was the one who stood my ground against our step-family. I was the one who fought for you.. I was your support when she died. While you were crying your fucking eyes out, I actually did shit. I actually got everything together. As indecisive as I am, when time came to making important decisions, I don't waver. I decide. I'm not like you two. I don't fuck around when I have to make a straight up choice about something important. I don't understand you two. You treat the small stuff like it's a big deal... and when it comes to something that's of dire importance, you put it off, procrastinate, and fuck around. What the fuck?
Sometimes I feel like the adult. You live in your own world of your own ideals. You accuse me in turn of being blind to the realities of the world. You who was spoiled by her and coddled.You who didn't have to do shit. You who was shielded from the rest of the world... who never fought back. Who never experienced the world for what it really was. Who never even went on something as simple as a goddamn date. Who just went with the flow. Who had everything handed to him and all you had to worry about was getting good grades. How dare you accuse me of being blind to the world. I've seen more shit than you'll ever see.
I seriously wonder sometimes, why you two lack the basic skills of survival. How to fight back. How to even do household chores. You don't even know how to cook. And yet, I'm trained in all of those and more. What the fuck. I've had to take care of myself. I've had to raise myself. You didn't take care of me. She did. And so did he. They'll be the only people I'll truly listen to because they actually cared about me. They cared enough to teach me the skills I needed to survive. Without them, I wouldn't be able to be where I am at this very moment. I wouldn't have survived long enough to even be typing this to you. I survived on my own for this long. So this is all I have to say... leave me be and let me live. Let me make my mistakes. I'm already learning so much. So let me live and let me live, because I'm the one who gets to die in the end. Not you. Me.
I shouldn't even be letting him get to me. What he does shouldn't matter to me anymore. I shouldn't have to give a shit. Maybe it's time for me to full let go of all of this and just fully move on and get on with my life.
Shit. I don't need this shit in my life anymore.
Live on and let live. C'est la vie. So be it.
I'm so tired of the past catching up to me. I'm so tired of the family trying to control my life.
Exes... if I can even call them that. People I've had flings with back when I didn't give a shit about anything. I was too hungry for acceptance. Too desperate to please. Too deprived of love. So I gave in to everything. Fuck. And now that shit's catching up to me. I don't want them calling me now. I don't want them in my life at all. They were mistakes... as much as I don't want to say it. But they were also learning lessons... so many of them that I lost count. I hate it. I hate myself for it. There's not a goddamn day that passes by wherein which I regret those. I was too loose. Too free with myself. I didn't think myself to be worth anything and merely wanted a cheap thrill. I don't know... I just want to be free of those because I don't want those memories to come back. I don't want to keep beating myself up for that shit. I don't want to be angry at myself every single goddamn day because of those people.
I'm sick and tired of my family getting to me on things I've cleared up with them about. Holy shit man. You all don't fucking listen to what I fucking have to say. Shit. If you all only listened then you wouldn't be in this shit and you wouldn't have to worry about all this shit. What the fuck is wrong with you all? I love you, but holy shit, you're pushing me to my limits. I don't want to spend every waking moment, feeling guilty because I know you guys are going apeshit over nonexistent bullshit. The only reason why I don't text back anymore is not because I'm running away. It's because you don't read it. You don't comprehend it. I tell you straight up what's going on and that I'm fine, but you don't get it. I'm dying on the inside reading all your texts... every fucking day.
It kills me to see you like this but at the same time, I have to defend myself. I can't give into your bullshit everytime. It's not as if I'm here fucking shit up or anything. I'm living a normal life, trying to earn a decent living and gaining my independence. I don't think you realize that I've reached the age where I have to go out there into the "real world" and fend for myself. If I had remained where I was... I'd never grow up. You kill me with your love. And you're too blind in your fuckery to see what the rest of us sees. God damn. I think you two are the ones who need to grow the fuck up. I'm trying my best. I was the one who stood my ground against our step-family. I was the one who fought for you.. I was your support when she died. While you were crying your fucking eyes out, I actually did shit. I actually got everything together. As indecisive as I am, when time came to making important decisions, I don't waver. I decide. I'm not like you two. I don't fuck around when I have to make a straight up choice about something important. I don't understand you two. You treat the small stuff like it's a big deal... and when it comes to something that's of dire importance, you put it off, procrastinate, and fuck around. What the fuck?
Sometimes I feel like the adult. You live in your own world of your own ideals. You accuse me in turn of being blind to the realities of the world. You who was spoiled by her and coddled.You who didn't have to do shit. You who was shielded from the rest of the world... who never fought back. Who never experienced the world for what it really was. Who never even went on something as simple as a goddamn date. Who just went with the flow. Who had everything handed to him and all you had to worry about was getting good grades. How dare you accuse me of being blind to the world. I've seen more shit than you'll ever see.
I seriously wonder sometimes, why you two lack the basic skills of survival. How to fight back. How to even do household chores. You don't even know how to cook. And yet, I'm trained in all of those and more. What the fuck. I've had to take care of myself. I've had to raise myself. You didn't take care of me. She did. And so did he. They'll be the only people I'll truly listen to because they actually cared about me. They cared enough to teach me the skills I needed to survive. Without them, I wouldn't be able to be where I am at this very moment. I wouldn't have survived long enough to even be typing this to you. I survived on my own for this long. So this is all I have to say... leave me be and let me live. Let me make my mistakes. I'm already learning so much. So let me live and let me live, because I'm the one who gets to die in the end. Not you. Me.
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