adionoeta

It's rather difficult to not think about it, when I have to use with a box cutter every time I go to work.

I don't even know why anymore. The pain doesn't even do anything to me.

I don't feel the pain when it digs into my skin. Into my very flesh.

That used to be how it is. I did it for the pain to break through the  monotony and remind me that I have emotions. And the very fact that I was capable of feeling pain.

But now, the numbness... I'm afraid that I've become numb to the numbness.

Pain does little for me, save for that small bit of pleasure it brings. It has lost its meaning for me.

So now, I do it for the blood.

That dark crimson that flows, sweet-smelling and sticky.

I may be numb, but I am not blind. Yet.

That liquid life is my only reminder that I am still alive. That my heart is still beating and my body still functioning.

How sad. I thought I was better than this. I thought I've changed, but in the end, this is who I am.

I need to get over the past and move forward. I need to understand that there is a future... whether it be a bright or a dark one is solely dependent upon the choices I make.

I wish I could just forget everything and live in the moment. I'm sick and tired of being weighed down by what was.

I hate myself for this. I hate myself for a lot of things... I just want to rip myself apart so I can cease to exist. So I won't waste anymore space in this life.

Fuck this shit... it seems all I know is how to survive. I honestly don't know how to live.

How the hell do I live? Tell me. Someone. Anyone.

I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to only know how to follow orders. I want to live.

Goddamnit. Though, the only way is to find myself, get to know myself, and figure out what I want.

What I want out of this life.

Only I can help myself. I wish and I wish... I could converse with someone about this instead of being stuck in a circle.

My pov can only take me so far. I wish there was another I could share it with, so that I may see this in a different light.

But in the end, I have myself. These are the thoughts that I have to keep to myself... I can't weigh anyone down with my bullshit.

I'm not weak... though nor am I strong, but I can hold my own ground. I think.

I'm just so tired of being tired. I want to escape this way of thinking.

I'm tired of fighting this addiction. Just let me cut myself into oblivion... bleed and bleed until I am nothing but an empty shell.

Then maybe I won't be such a waste of space... this ugly little thing.

Save it for someone who is perfect.

Someone who isn't me.