Or maybe I'm just wrong in my reasoning. I don't know anymore.
I've long learned that my mind is a useless thing.
I've learned that my emotions are also useless. Time after time, they have been the crux of my suffering and nothing more.
Let me sleep... let me sleep that permanent sleep. Or must I take this into my own hands and push myself into that eternal slumber?
No matter how many times I've though it through. How many times I've tried to think and reason my way out of it... even to the point of giving myself false hope that I'd conquer my past and defeat my demons?
I can't. Ultimately, I really can't. The only reason why I'm still alive is that I gave up on living for myself. I gave up on my own hopes and dreams... I've embraced a living suicide.
Instead I live for others. That's it. Their hopes and dreams become mine.
My life is built upon sacrifice after sacrifice. I don't care if I'm happy anymore as long as the people around me are happy. As long as they h ave a future, I could care less about mine. It's meaningless. I am meaningless. I am irrelevant.
It's all that I can do. Holding on to something that belongs to everyone else to keep myself alive.
So there is my flawed reasoning. And, yet, this is my reality. This is what I have to wake up to. This is what I have to go to sleep to. This is what haunts me when there is silence.
This has become what I am. My only reason to exist.
To serve. I exist to serve and nothing more. It seems to be all that I'm good for anyway.
So be it. So be it. So be it.
Such is life and so let life live itself.
Perhaps one day I'll be able to save myself, but for now... for now... I don't know.
I'll just exist for the sake of others. It's not painful, nor is it bliss.
I exist in a living purgatory... because I committed a living suicide.
This is my punishment... or perhaps my reward. I do not know anymore.
I've long learned that my mind is a useless thing.
I've learned that my emotions are also useless. Time after time, they have been the crux of my suffering and nothing more.
Let me sleep... let me sleep that permanent sleep. Or must I take this into my own hands and push myself into that eternal slumber?
No matter how many times I've though it through. How many times I've tried to think and reason my way out of it... even to the point of giving myself false hope that I'd conquer my past and defeat my demons?
I can't. Ultimately, I really can't. The only reason why I'm still alive is that I gave up on living for myself. I gave up on my own hopes and dreams... I've embraced a living suicide.
Instead I live for others. That's it. Their hopes and dreams become mine.
My life is built upon sacrifice after sacrifice. I don't care if I'm happy anymore as long as the people around me are happy. As long as they h ave a future, I could care less about mine. It's meaningless. I am meaningless. I am irrelevant.
It's all that I can do. Holding on to something that belongs to everyone else to keep myself alive.
So there is my flawed reasoning. And, yet, this is my reality. This is what I have to wake up to. This is what I have to go to sleep to. This is what haunts me when there is silence.
This has become what I am. My only reason to exist.
To serve. I exist to serve and nothing more. It seems to be all that I'm good for anyway.
So be it. So be it. So be it.
Such is life and so let life live itself.
Perhaps one day I'll be able to save myself, but for now... for now... I don't know.
I'll just exist for the sake of others. It's not painful, nor is it bliss.
I exist in a living purgatory... because I committed a living suicide.
This is my punishment... or perhaps my reward. I do not know anymore.
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