I'm so fucking tired.

I'm so tired of holding these tears in. I'm dying to just break down and fall into pieces.

This stress is eating me up. It's killing me slowly and I can't do anything to stop it. I really can't.

I already have a plateful of shit to deal with at work... and I've also my other work to worry about. I'm still waiting for that fucking call where they tell me that I can't quit and that I have to drop my current life to lead a fucked up one where they own me. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go through basic again. I don't want to go through AIT either. Fuck this fuck my life.

I can't even sleep anymore. I've been getting nightmares and crying in my sleep more often than I've ever done. Even my beloved can't protect me from that. He can't protect me from myself.

I'm sick. I'm so tired. I've lost my appetite for everything... I'm losing interesting in everything.

I haven't felt this powerless in a while. I haven't felt this pathetic as well.

Give me a reason to keep fighting. Because I can't anymore.

I'm letting everything catch up to me. I'm letting everything destroy me.

I can't even ask for help because there's nothing to be helped.

No one can help me but myself... It's me against myself.

And I'm not strong enough to keep fighting this endless battle. I can't win against my demons...

End this pain. End me... I can't... I really fuck.... help me.

I'm not strong enough. I'm not brave enough. I'm falling apart...

Why do people treat feelings with such half-hearted emotions? I do not kind of like someone. If I bring out the courage to like you, I like you a lot. I will care for you with everything I have in me. One boy years ago ruined it for me, so now I can’t show it anymore. But that is how I love. I do not shower you with compliments or constantly cling on to you. I do not tell you I love you every day. But if you ever needed me I would be there in a second. If you were feeling down I would go to the ends of the earth to make you happy again. I would not let one thing touch your happiness. I would defend your loyalty with my life. Nobody else in the world would matter because no one would compare to how bright you were in my eyes. I could only see you. Only want you. And in exchange all I ask for is that you can give me your all. That same kind of priority and dedication that I set aside for you in my life. Do not tell me you feel something partly for me. Do not tell me you feel anything for me if you cannot be responsible for your emotions. I cannot be with someone who is unsure.

We used to be so close. We used to be so close.

What's happening. What am I doing wrong?

It feels as if you're getting bored of me...

We don't even do anything together anymore.

People always get bored of me...

I should be used to it by now.

I should be used to it.

I'll never win against my own demons... that much I know.

I'm just really scared that I won't be strong enough to hold them back one day...

one day...

and I just might end up killing myself to destroy it... or allow it to destroy me.

I'm so scared to be weak... to be haunted by things that I should've forgotten already.

Why does my mind torment me like this?

I'm so tired of replaying her death in my head... I'm tired.

Perhaps, she might have forgiven me for my failure to protect her... but I haven't.

at least my mind and my heart haven't.

And I continue to spite myself every single day for it.

I should've been the one to die... perhaps.

I shouldn't have survived. So many days do I wake up and wish that it would've been me and not her.

Ughs.... it's just one of those really bad days. All I want is a hot cup of tea and someone to hold me for the rest of the day.

But here I am writing this and wallowing in my sorrow while drowning myself in cold water... with its bittersweet taste. Lingering... just like memories of her and how it cuts into my soul as the water cuts into my throat... trickling down my esophagus as she does into the crevices of my mind.

So let me forget. Let me live...

Or let me die.

Both are the same... no different.

I feel very comfortable around you. It's surprising, because I generally don't feel comfortable around... well, everyone.

You have no idea just what I'd go through to protect your happiness, do you?

If I have had my own heart betrayed but someone I thought loved me...

If I've been destroyed by someone who I thought would've protected me...

If I could painfully wait two whole years for a man that would never love me back, who lead me on for those years... watching him flirt and date other women while I watched, secretly hoping that he'd fall for me one day and never having that one day.

Why would I sabotage my own relationship when I've found someone that I never dreamed existed... with someone who is nearly an exact replica of me.

With someone who is beyond kind and generous... beyond thoughtful and empathetic... with someone who is as beautiful as who he is?

With someone who I didn't have to painfully wait for...

With someone who loves me back?

Never.

Remember these words.

Veritas vos liberabit. 

I was sworn by these very words. And by these same words, I shall give my life to.

The truth will set you free.

These words are my treasures. It's why my old line of work existed. We existed to protect the truth and remain by it... and to die by it. That is why we exist.

This is our credo.

In living by the truth, you shall be free. In freedom, you shall have the truth.

Veritas vos liberabit.

What's the fucking point...

If I keep these thoughts up, I might really relapse.

there's no worse torture than being tortured by my own mind... where no one can save me except for my own tortured self.

Thank you for saving me...


But most of all, thank you for reminding me what being human felt like... It's been too long and I've felt too little to remember.

Until you came into my life.

Thank you.

It doesn't matter who the person is... but they'll only learn to want me when I'm about to leave or when I'm already gone.

It feels as if everyone takes me for granted.

Every fucking person in my life.

They don't give a shit when I'm around because I'm always there and when I'm finally gone, then they change and miss me.

I'm not an object... I'm a human being.

The longer that I remain here, the more people I lose… Sometimes I do wonder if I should’ve stayed and not return at all. At least I wouldn’t be caught in this mess and I wouldn’t be such an emotional wreck. I was in a place where I had the full potential of starting over, a place where no one knew me, save for my beloved. And I destroyed it all by returning to this beautiful city, my home. The place that is killing me with every moment that I remain upon its misty demise. Familiar faces are fast becoming foreign to me. People I thought I knew are now strangers that no longer wish to know me.

Have I changed to the extent of where everyone despises me? Or have they changed to the extent of where I am no longer worthy of their presence?

It's another one of those days when I hate absolutely everything and almost everyone. (almost)

I am at my limit. I'm killing time and burning money staying here and it annoys the shit out of me.

It's pushing me to think about things that I no longer wish to think about.

I don't ever want to go back to my former line of work, but at this moment... in my cash-strapped, desperate... mindset. I want to. I am guaranteed a salary with bonuses and benefits... I don't have to fight tooth and nail for some measly hours. Ughs. Fuck this. Fuck that.

I feel like a lazy fuck who's wasting everyone's resources and time.

I feel more and more useless with each passing day. Shit. I love being home in SF, but this stagnation is killing me. I'm suffocating here... It's killing me.

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I've let my thoughts take control of me...

I'm trying my best to fight it, but it seems impossible. Everything's just beating down on me at once.

I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like this.

But shit... I really need to stop thinking like this. It needs to stop now before I wind up doing something I'll regret... if I'll even be alive to regret it.

letter # I lost count...

To--

I really want to kill this blog so that the memories of my dumbass of a mistake and everything we almost, but never had could die with it. And perhaps, then, I can finally live and love freely, untainted by your words and the memories we created, but we never supposed to exist. We, our meeting and interaction, weren't supposed to happen.

What we had was pure... Bull Shit. Duh.
A waste of time. A waste of effort. A waste of tears. A waste of my sleepless nights. A waste of pain.

I find it pitifully ironic, how you were the same person to say that we should part ways permanently, and yet still come crawling back to me for dumb shit.

You could've had me. Could've.

Your loss. My gain.

-ht.

Caught up with an old friend of mine yesterday.

And for once I opened up about my old line of work... I talked about working in      .      . .

I guess this is me coming to terms with it. But I still have all the guilt. Talking about it makes me feel better, but it doesn't undo my actions. I still hate myself for making those decisions, but I needed to do it... one sacrifice for the sanctity of the many. That was what kept me sane. That was what helped me sleep at night when all I wanted was to sleep forever because I knew deep inside, I didn't deserve to be able to open my eyes to greet the light of a new day.

I still do loathe myself. But... what's the point.

Today's just one of those days where I feel like breaking down and crying my eyes out...

This is why I never stay at home for long periods of time... I think too much and my demons get the best of me.

It's so hard to hold them back, but I have to...

I will be stronger.

Strong enough to destroy what destroys me. And even if I have to become a demon to destroy my demons, then so be it...

I want the pain to be gone.

I've spent my whole life fighting these things... I'm fed up. I'm tired.

I want to live without those memories haunting me.

I am drowning in a sea of emotions. Ughs fuck this.

I've never been so frustrated with everything to this extent before...

Nothing's working out at all...

Goddamnit. I can't just sit here and not work. So much for transferring... at this rate, I seriously won't even have enough money for culinary school. Though, thankfully, I do have enough skills to not need to attend, but I'd still very much like a degree to prove my worth to the cold and blind working world.

I don't even know anymore... I feel so useless and helpless. Even more so, now that my discharge has been approved and I'm completely out of that. Now I really feel out of the loop... I'm not helping anyone, I'm not even helping myself. Why am I still alive... sometimes, I really do think that I'm a waste of resources and that I'm just better off dead. What's the point... I don't want to live selfishly, but at the same time, we're selfish  by nature. So, I don't really think life is meant for me. I despise living for myself.

I want to be useful.

I want to be worth something.

I don't want to be a waste of things that can better go toward someone who really deserves them.

I just hate everything right now.

Well, no... I just hate myself. For being so useless.

I can't stand this stagnation. I don't want to do nothing. I need to fucking work. I don't understand why it's so goddamn difficult to just put me on the schedule. Either you tell me prior to my transfer that there's really no need for any more help, and direct me elsewhere, or give me some hours. We're all here to survive and in this fucked up world, we need money to do that. Shit.

So here I am again, desperately looking for fucking jobs again.

But no... I can't even run home to my parents for help. They'll just give me hell and shut me out for good this time. So forget this... I have myself and I will make it out alive.

Even if it means leave my beautiful city and going back to PA.

Why can't things just work out for once?

Why do I have to make sacrifices for everything that I do?

Why do I always have to be the one to improvise on my own part?

For once... why can't someone think of me and my position?

Why must we all be so selfish?

Even I'm being selfish for thinking like this...

There are reasons beyond our control that makes things so... and yet we always center it upon ourselves and the people around us, thinking that we could change things...

and perhaps we could... and perhaps we can.

I don't fucking know...

I'm not strong enough. Damnit. Damnit all.

I can't..... I just want to forget this city and go home.

They call me a warrior.

They say I am fierce.

In their eyes, I am strong and apathetic...

But I'm neither of those.

Perhaps I was, but now I've become a worrier.

I gave up my fierceness for fear.

I've lost my strength for I became much too empathetic.

I am very so a broken person hiding behind a facade of wholeness.

I need to regain myself again... who I once was.

I must become stronger, earning my fierceness once more.

But I no longer need my apathy or my empathy.

All that I require is the ability to fully accept and embrace my heart and my emotions.

Then I can finally become a warrior... with a heart.

A balance of strength and gentleness... like water: fluid enough to accommodate anything, but strong enough to carve canyons.

I need a heart that sheds no tears.

I must be strong.

I need to be strong.

I can't afford not to be.

There's much to do and there's much to be done.

Why does this hurt more than loneliness?

The future.. hm?

I never really put much thought into stuff like that. It was just nonsense.


A future of my choosing and not according to pointless program that I had gotten myself into.


Free will, hm?


I was ready to die in my line of work and that was it for me.

I'd live alone, eat alone, complete the assignments at work, and ride it out on my own until my life ended.

And now, I just don't know anymore... there's too many things to consider and think about.

To have people be affected by my decisions... to have them that attached and connected to me...

That's something I've never had to deal with before. My actions were detached from everyone else but myself. And even then, I felt no connection to myself... the decisions I've made and the things I've done in the past.

And now I have to think twice before I do anything... because I'm connected to people. Because of my emotional attachments.

I'm not alone anymore. 


Why...... Who I was five years ago would've never imagined I'd become who I am at this moment.



I was alone. I had no social network.. no one to give a shit about what I did. And so that was why I sold myself to that program.


It gave me a reason for my existence. If I were to throw life away, then I might as well put it to use in the service of something better.



I need to recalculate myself again.

Logistics again. Heh. I was made for this line of work... even in my own personal life.

Home is where ever you are.

And I am so far from home right now...

I had one of those conversations with a really close friend of mine...

and we came to the conclusion that I am pansexual rather than bi.

Hm. Another mark in my life.

Slowly figuring out who I am.

I want to stop loving with my mind.

I want to love with my heart.

This fault is mine and mine alone...

I don't blame the people who have stepped into my heart in the past.

I blame myself for letting their actions get to me.

I taught myself to trust  no man and fear no bitch.

Guy or girl, they're all the same when it boils down to relationships.

It doesn't matter. What matters is their mindset.

I've been fucked in the heart by girls and boys.

So... there is no difference and I don't care anymore.

What I do care about is freeing myself of the mindset that I've forced myself to wear to protect myself throughout my past.

I want to put my emotions back into its rightful home, my heart.... and not in my mind.

It hurts me that I can't love you the way you deserve to be.

I fight and struggle with myself every damn day to change that.

Sometimes, I just want to destroy my memories and forget everything... so I can start over.

Meet you again and fall in love with you all over.

I don't know..... I just think too much and do too little.

But, I'll do whatever it takes to get to the point of where I am no longer afraid to love with my heart...

I'll risk the pain.

My thoughts are killing me...

quicker than I've anticipated.

This is why I can't be left alone with myself.

This is why I hate the silence, because that's when I am able to hear every single goddamn thought inside of my fucked up mind.

And they telling things that I've been hiding from myself. And they tell me to destroy myself because life isn't worth this pain.

What pain?

It's only pain because you think it so.

I want to win this fight. I don't want to be a lost cause.

I don't want to end up killing myself.

I am not a weapon.

gpoy.

My insecurities fucks a lot of things up for me. It leads me to being jealous and having a hard time trusting people’s feelings toward me. I have this mindset of not being enough for anyone and it sucks because often times I end up hurting not only myself but other people too, being offered that much and not be able to take it, or trust it. Always thinking that someone better will always come along and take what I have from me. 

When someone suddenly or slowly stops talking to me I end up with this paranoia; negative thoughts pile up in my head. I always take the blame and gather up the things that could’ve been wrong with me and what they probably didn’t like about me. Questions like; maybe I wasn’t enough, maybe I was too much and this can go on.

I have this never ending self loathe and I have no idea how it started. I don’t know how to stop it. I hate being clingy and so demanding for attention but its the only temporary cure I can find for my insecurities. When someone gives me attention it makes me feel wanted, it makes me feel somewhat enough, worthy of something or someone’s presence. 
I hate it, it drives me crazy and it steals hours of sleep away from me.

-0175

I don't want May to end... I don't want June to start.

I want to live in this peace for a little bit longer...

I'm so scared.....

I realize that I have a serious inability to put my emotions to words.

So I end up keeping everything to myself, because even I can't tell myself what I'm feeling at the  moment or why I'm so sad.

I can't express myself. And this will be the death of me. I have so many pent up emotions that I can't set free.

So all I can do is cry... wordlessly cry and no one, not even myself, will know why.

Like right now....

-_____- It really sucks how he's pushing his gf on me like there wasn't any history between us.

Fuck you. You don't see me pulling the same shit on you.

Just leave me alone. Exes be gone.

Shoo. Go live your life. She doesn't need to know me. She doesn't need to know I exist.

It'll just cause unnecessary drama, pulling me back into your life.

I really hope our paths never cross again.

Because there are a lot of things I've worked too hard to forget... and I have no intention of revisiting any of them.

I will never let you fall.
I will stand up for you until the very end.
I'll be there for you through it all...
even if saving you sends me to my death.

#n

Dear--,

I'm glad you finally found the happiness you were looking for, even if it wasn't me.

Take care of her, alright? It seems that she loves you more than I have ever loved you. 

Cherish that, for you never know what tomorrow will bring.

In a sense, I am willing to look past all the pain that you've given me and offer you my gratitude.

If things had played out the way I initially wanted, I wouldn't be who I am today.

I would've still been the same, perhaps... living that self-destructive lifestyle and throwing my life away.

And I would never have met someone better than what you had to offer.

Someone who was willing to catch me when I was falling endlessly.

But anyhow, we were fighting for the same cause. I suppose that's what had drew my to you.

We were both knights... caught up in protecting our own hearts from anymore pain.

Loyal beyond measure... We stand by those we have promised to protect.

We also live by the same creed:

                                      Strength. Honor. Perseverance.
                         That which does not kill us will only make us stronger.

And at the same time, we were both hopeless romantics waiting on something or someone to save us from ourselves.

So we both found what we were searching for.

And I think it's best things remain as they are now. It would be better if we don't see each other again... when I return. Let the past destroy the past.

It's for the best.

-ht

tada arigatou.

You give me so many reasons to stand my ground and keep fighting, despite my unending desire to give up.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I wish I was strong enough to overcome this unending depression.

It's killing me on the inside...

I don't want to be haunted by all these stupid memories.

Why can't I let the past bury the past?

Save me from myself... please. Anyone...

help me.

Quoth my insecurities.

Why does it feel as if I'm afraid to lose you, but you aren't?

I could change that... if it means that it'll make you care again.

Because it feels as if I'm walking a one way street at the moment.

But the fact that this hurts so much... is a reminder that I should keep fighting and hold on.

...because it still means that my heart is attached and loves you very much so.

I'm trying my best to make everyone happy, but I'm fighting this battle alone.

Whatever happened to my partner in crime?

I guess he stopped caring along the way.

Or so it feels...

Or perhaps this is just my depression talking. 

I am breaking.

But I will save myself.

I am  much stronger than this. I know it.

I will beat it.

Somehow. I won't let my demons consume me...

Or not.

Goddamnit.

I'm not strong enough to fight it.

I can't keep fighting it like this... it's killing me.

I'll never win.

Just let me crawl into a hole and cry away this depression.

Let me cry and cry.

Let me cut away my pain.

Let me bleed and bleed until I am no more.

It hurts too much.

And what hurts the most.... is that I don't know why I'm letting depression get the best of me.

I've fought you all my life.

I've won many battles and have lost equally.

I suppose you'll take my life one day.

Can it be today? Or perhaps tomorrow?

I surrender my shield and sword.

Take it. Take this wretched life that you hunger to consume.

I'm tired. I'm broken.

So take me. Eat me.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I want to cry but I can't.

I don't deserve that relief. I'm not worthy.

destroy what destroys you.

You know what... fuck you, depression.

I won't let you destroy me.

I'm tired of fighting you.

It's about time I destroyed you.

I can't let you run my life and drain what's left of my strength any longer.

Enough is enough.

Fuck you and fuck the shit that you've dragged me through.

the fine lines in and out of life. (as if it fucking matters anymore)

I'm doing my best.

But that's not fucking enough.

My body is being pushed beyond its limits right now.

My arms and legs are bruised... my hands are swollen. My muscles are aching.

I'm tired, but no rest will come to me.

I'm so damn exhausted. Mentally and physically.

I work for money that I don't even get to see.

Why do I even bother waking up that early in the morning... to work for something that I don't even get to touch. 

Just fucking once I'd like to be able to spoil myself. I mean if I don't have anyone willing to do that for me, then I might as well do it for myself.

But I can't.

I can't even afford to have any time for fun.

It took a visit from an acquaintance to make me feel even more like shit and remind myself of the failure that I am.

My body is broken, but my spirit is still intact... for  now.

I don't know how long I can keep going before I collapse.

My hands and feet are full of callouses...

There are perpetual bags under my eyes.

My skin is dead.

I've never felt more disgusting in my life. 

Just once, I'd like to have an excuse to dress up... to even be able to wear a dress or skirt.

Just once... I want to feel as if I'm a human being.

Just once... I'd like to see someone make the sacrifice for me, as small as it is... because I don't have anything to give anymore. I give and give and give and give...

I am empty. 

But I'm still fighting. I'm still standing.

At this very moment... I'm still alive.

I will make it better.

 I don't expect anything to get easier in the future... but what I do know is that I'll be strong enough to handle it. Therefore, things will get  better.

I swear.

Nankurunaisa.

And all I can do is protect... and sacrifice.

That's all I seem to be able to do.

And perhaps, that's my only purpose.

Shit life makes me say #13

Why does it always have to be me who swallows all this pain...

I've collected too much sadness in my lifetime.

But I'll take the fall... so no one else has to. Better me than anyone else, I guess.

I can take the pain.

But do I deserve to?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

I must be strong.

I was trained to be a fucking warrior after all.

So a fucking warrior I'll be.

No tears will fall form me.

This isn't even a bloody letter. It's a warning.

Damn, son. Do you even understand what moving on is?

You don't get yourself involved in a fucking relationship when you're still saying shit like "-- will still be the one in my heart" or "-- will be the only one I love and I'm still waiting on her."

This has nothing to do with my feelings for you, because I'm completely finished with you... and it's not as if we were ever "together" it was a bloody one way thing and I had to pay for that stupid shit.

This has to do with all the people you're destroying. I can't help you... I can only watch you fall and learn from your own mistakes.

But at this moment, I'm just trying to point out something that you're so blind to. That you've been blind to for the past three years.

You've always had her in your heart, that's why nothing's worked out for you.

You must understand the rules of unrequited love.

It's "unrequited" for a reason.

Learn to move on... I understand it's not the easiest thing in the world to do, but it must be done.

Not for your own good... but for the good of the one  you chose to be beside you at the moment.

Her. 

I don't give a shit what happens to you right now... You should've learned already by now what and why you're getting yourself into this sort of shit.

You must learn what "moving on" is.

It doesn't mean "loving" someone on the side while you wait for that person to return your feelings.

You don't use other people to "kill time."

Remember what you did to me?

Don't you fucking dare do that to her. Not every one has the same pain threshold as I do. Not everyone can take the pain that you've made me swallow.

And from what I've seen... I don't think she can take it.

So think your feelings through before you let her deeper into this relationshit...

I honestly don't think you're ready.

When you go around saying things like "-- will be the only person in my heart" or "I await that one day -- will return my feelings."

Damn, son. This isn't some fucked up "experiment" as you call it.

She's a fucking human being with a heart. Hearts break.... and sometimes they never heal. It scars you with memories you can't ever forget.

Don't you fucking dare play around like that. It's making you look like such a hypocrite.

You're still caught up with someone who doesn't return your feelings and who may never do so.

The best thing to do is to kill those feelings... distance yourself from that person. From everything...

Think about what you truly want.

A miserable life where you're caught up with the past?

Or a new life with someone who loves you back...

It's your call.

If you're not ready to move on, then I don't think you deserve to have someone by your side right now.

Because you're just setting her up for disappointment. You're just going to break her heart.

She's just another game for you to play.

Don't half-ass this.

I'm telling you this not because I care about you or anything. I'm just sick and tired of watching you destroy people.

Somehow... most of  the men... I mean boys that I encounter in my life turn out to be bloody players.

Better fix yourself before you break yourself.

If you can't survive this life alone, then you aren't ready for a relationship.

Think about it. Take it nice and slow... you've plenty of time to think it through.

Do us a favor... Save a few lives and hearts, y'know?

And here's a small bit that I never spoke about...

I didn't waste my two years solely waiting for you...I had people ask me out, offered me just for fun flings, offered to be friends with benefits. You weren't necessary for me to be complete. I didn't wait out of desperation. I felt the need to prove to myself that I could survive by myself. I wasn't afraid to be alone. I was alone all my life. Forget relationships, I didn't even have friends until high school. No one held me when I cried. I locked myself in the bathroom and cut away my emotions... punished myself for being so pathetic. I cried myself to sleep everyday, wishing for my  heart to stop, wishing that I never wake up because I didn't want to face the hell the next day.  I wanted to forget the past... the four years of torture at that damned place...  I wanted to forget him... the one who stalked and sexually humiliated me. I wanted to destroy myself. I was unclean. I wanted to disappear. I wanted the pain to stop. But I realized that I was the only one who could make that pain disappear. I never gave up on life... I might've made a few regrettable mistakes on my way here, but that's what makes me stronger. If I gave up as easily as you did, I would've killed myself before I even made it into college. 

Be strong. Move on... and live.

You never loved her. You don't hurt the people you love.

Oh, can't you see how much pain you're causing her?

In a different life, in a different time, I would've saved her from you.

Just because you can't get who you want, it doesn't give you any justification to carelessly destroy hearts.

It won't change anything. Your stubbornness and selfishness is what's keeping you from changing.

You're destroying yourself while taking other people down with you and you damn well know it.

It's not that you don't know how to cherish people. It's just that you become too attached to someone you know that can't return your feelings and then you do all these stupid things to try to force that person to do so.

But you know it'll never work... and yet you still do it.

I'm glad you aren't like me though... who I used to be.

I was scared to be attached, afraid to cherish people because I was scared of losing them.

So I distanced myself. I loved physically. I indulged in the pleasure of pleasure and that was all. There was no emotion. I was so empty.

I searched for love in all the wrong places. I was used... and I didn't mind one bit.

All I wanted... was to be wanted. Even if it only mean one night. Even if it meant I was passed around like some classless whore.

I was wanted for the way I dressed, the way I wore my make up, my body... but never for who I was.

And stupidly, I was fine with that... because I've become so numb to it all. Because I blinded by my desire to be accepted and wanted. I did what I did for all the wrong reasons.

I felt like shit. I wanted to cut away at myself, so I'd bleed away my filth. I'd cut and cut, but I'd still feel dirty.

Even now, I still do. I don't ever believe I'll be free of the things I've done in the past.

I'm still trying so hard to clean up my act... because I wish to kill that promiscuous side of me.

I don't want to be that loose girl that I was, taking on anything that moved.

I want to be able to love someone without holding back anything... somehow some way.

I will love without being afraid.

It makes you seem like a saint compared to me, doesn't it? Heh.

And so I offer you this piece of advice:


Don't go around destroying people's hearts just because you're unsure of your own feelings.

Shit life makes me say #12

It's not that there's anything making me unhappy... or anything wrong...

I just feel like crying. Or perhaps, I just need an external release of my emotions.

Be it through laughter or tears. The edge of either extremes...

Or eating. Eating works too. My emotional bowl of pudding.

Alone and incomplete.
No more tears to cry and no more blood to bleed...
I'll fall forever endlessly.
When you should be the ground beneath my feet...
My better half. 

Shit life makes me say#11

Sometimes being me is such a thankless job...

I hate it.

I hate how I give my all to people... how I'm always there for them...

and they get used to it.

Eventually they learn to become numb to my efforts. Then they simply expect it.

And that's when I'm taken for granted.

Always.

I wonder what would happen if I stopped doing what I did. If I stopped caring so much.

If I merely disappeared. What then? 

Shit life makes me say #10

I've been avoiding this for the longest time. Until I was forced to come to terms with it... or at least discuss it.

I lost another friend. Another colleague... to the hands of death.

Enough is enough. I'm so tired of losing people I care about. I'm tired of this bullshit.

I hate how helpless I am at the moment. How I'm unable to help them and all I can do is watch them disappear from my life just like that. All I ever wanted was to protect the ones I care about. But now I can't.

I've been getting so angry at myself for that very fact. It's sort of gotten to the point of where it's rather difficult not to hate myself.

It just makes everything I've been working for... all for nothing. All my efforts have been for naught.

And that just pisses me off. I've survived this far... only to watch others die. The very same people who kept me alive all these years I was working with them.

What the fuck, Life? Why?

I can feel the anger coming back again. Fuck... I need a breather. I need a drink. A walk. A run. Something.

I just want to escape this self-hatred. The last thing I want is for me to hate myself again.

I'm just so frustrated that I can't do anything to protect them.

I know I'm better than this. I know I need to stop thinking like this.

But... for now, I need to be like this so I can mourn. So I can come to terms with this.

I just... I don't know. No matter how many times I apologize... it'll never be enough.

Shit life makes me say#9

I guess this is a bit of my materialistic selfishness kicking in... as much as I hate to admit, there are times when I can't help but to feel a bit of jealousy and frustration when I am forced to look at photos of all those cute sappy things my friends' significant others do for them. All those "just because" gestures of appreciation, spur of the moment adventures, and dates...things that make you feel appreciated and not ignored. Ughs. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I should just appreciate my own better half for even choosing to be in my life. That itself is the greatest gift I can ever receive. I can't help but to feel a bit of frustration sometimes, though... fighting that feeling of envy.

But whatever, it's a gift every day just being able to fall asleep and wake up beside him. It's a gift in itself that he actually cares about me to that extent. It's a gift that he puts up with me at all. It's a gift that he saved my heart , slapping the poison of unrequited love right out of my hands. And for all of those, I am grateful and beyond happy.

Shit life makes me say#8

All this pent up stress has finally caught up to me. I can't keep shit in for long periods of time... damnit. I just end up exploding and turning into this bloody mess. It's come to the point of where I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. Fuck... all this anger is merely directed toward myself, though.

I guess that's the root of everything. Myself. I have expectations for myself and it seems as if I've failed to reach any of them.

I need to break away from myself. I'm, in a sense, killing myself, slowly. Destroying myself.

I fucking hate it. I hate it when I'm like this. And I hate admitting it.

I need to escape this mentality, because at this moment, everything I do is pissing me off because it feels as if I'm fucking up everything.

I've become my worst enemy.

I guess I just need a way to unwind and destress. Figure out a way to let go of past shit that keeps coming back to me. I need to stop brushing things off and actually confront the problem as well as my emotions.

The more sadness and anxiety I keep in, the quicker it turns to anger. Anger that I can't even understand.

I've been taking life too seriously, lately. All I've been doing is work, sleep, clean, and eat (if I have time). Even on my days off, I'm still stressing about shit that I don't need to stress over. I need to chill and figure out how to break this cycle.

I haven't focused on myself in a long while. All my money goes to bills and food. I haven't even shopped for clothes in half a year. HALF A YEAR. Holy shit. I have no right to call myself a girl. I need to indulge myself in a while. I need to show myself some love and spoil me with shit. (In moderation)

-____- A little r&r goes a long way... as well as a bit of fun. I miss having an excuse to wear make up and dress to impress. Fuck the red and khaki.

Shit life makes me say #7

For the first time in six years, I woke up in a civilian home, thinking I was still in basic.

Sheesh. This is taking its toll on me.

I never wanted him to go through what I went through back there. It's not as easy as it seems. It's not as easy as they lead us to believe.

I was so scared. It was the worst of times and yet... I'll give them props for rebuilding me to the person I am today. I wouldn't have been able to adapt as easily or assimilate into my new environment as I've done here.

I just don't know. It sort of sucks to see this happen... but at the same time, you do what you must.

I'd be a total hypocrite if I tried to stop him. I've done my fair share of service... but at the cost of so many things. The very same things that I don't want him to lose.

I worked so hard. I made so many sacrifices to protect the ones I love... my friends and my family just so they don't have to be put through the same shit I chose to put myself through to ensure that they'd be able to sleep at night... safe and soundly.

I don't know. We do what we must. We do want we think is right.

Duty calls. And so, I, too, must play my part.

Fucking jody calls. Pfft. Whatever.

Shit life makes me say #6

Maybe I'm just afraid... 'cause honestly, right now, I can't afford another heartbreak.

Shit life makes me say #5

I really need to post here more. I stopped because I didn't want to blog anymore... I didn't want to come to terms with the fact that I still haven't fully fixed myself yet. That I still had the residual depression that I have yet to overcome.

Ultimately, I need to stop keeping all my emotions inside. They'll kill me one day, I swear. They'll be the death of me. So I must stop. I need to be open with myself to myself and those around me.

I had my first breakdown in a while and it was wretched. I need to face the past and get over it.

I need to understand that I'm not who I used to be anymore.

I'm not alone anymore.

I am stronger than I was.

I am a better person than I was,albeit I still have some kinks to work out.

I have people who care about me now.

I don't have to fight anymore.

I am free from those who have made my childhood a living hell.

I need a more positive outlook on life. I need to let the past go and stop being so afraid of what the future holds.

I only have one life, so I might as well make the best of it. Come what may, I'll take them on.

I need it to be so that I will learn to stop this self-loathing.

I'll overcome this... somehow. Some day. It's a work in progress.

#n

Dear-,

Well, this isn't the first time you've pulled out of my life and came back.

This is the root of your misery. You keep coming back to those who are causing you pain.

The most ironic thing about this is that you pretty much pulled the same shit during the same time, same month last year. I'm sure you've forgotten, but I haven't.

Remember? On the week that I decided that enough was enough, that it was time to move on... the week that I showed you this blog and closed all communications with you. It was then that you decided to leave me that fucking voicemail that fucked things up. The one where you apologized and cried, asking for another chance. The one where you asked me the very thing I've spent that damned year and half  I've been waiting to hear. I was bitter, but I took the chance. And, yet.. the very moment I agreed and we made plans for a date of fucking Valentine's day. You decide to disappear for a week... then  you canceled on me... then you took back everything you said to me.

I haven't forgotten. I'm sure you have.

I can forgive people for a lot of shit, but fucking with my heart isn't one of them. I can forget, but I will never forgive. My heart is what keeps me ALIVE. You fuck with it, I'll fuck you up tenfold. I will make you regret the very day you chose to do what you did. I don't want it to go through anymore pain. I don't want those nights of binge drinking and fucking around with anything that moves to come back. I don't want to lock myself in the bathroom to cry and cut anymore. I don't want to whore myself out until I feel loved and wanted. I don't want to go running to my bestie's house to drink and cry anymore. I am so tired.

At this point, I know damn well  you're reading this. So get out. Get out of my life. You're neither an ex or friend... so I have no reason to associate with you. I appreciate all that you've done for me. I appreciate you teaching me what assholes men are and how quick they are to change their goddamn minds and how meaningless love is to you guys. In the end, all you want is to get into their pants. You were never the gentleman you claimed to be... There goes a saying, it takes a damn boy to fuck every girl, but a gentleman to love one.

You live an ironic life, Brian.

Adios, motherfucker.

I was your cure and you were my disease. I was saving you, but you were killing me.

-ht

Shit life makes me say #4

I'm reliving that day again. Those choices I've made for the greater good because I fucked up. Because my ex screwed me over.

Why the fuck do I even trust people anymore...

I don't want to be a destroyer of lives. I don't want to be a weapon...

I don't want those memories.

Dear-,

So this is good bye.

This is where I wake up and end these dreams... no... nightmares.

This is when we disappear from each other's lives...

This is where the pain stops.

Good bye then.

Good bye to a relationship that never happened, and yet carried all the pain and tears of it all.

Thanks for all the lessons learned. Thanks for all the memories.

Everything was for nothing.

-ht

#42

Dear-,

This is my last letter to you until you decide to get your shit together.

I've tried my best to help you. I've tried my best to be there for you.

Year after year, I've watched you make the same mistakes, over and over again.

You just never learn. I really don't know how else I can help you.

At this point, only you can save yourself.

I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to help you, despite all the shit you've put me through.

But I'm through with that.

I want you to see yourself for who you truly are.

Stop trying to fill the void with temporary fixes and find the root of the problem.

Life isn't merely about relationships. There's more to life than that... so stop fretting over that stuff and stop forcing yourself to find this thing called "love."

Let her go and get the fuck off this emotional roller coaster. I know you love her very much, but she'll never return your feelings. If I can move on from unrequited love, then so can you. So man up and move on. Best friends don't hurt each other, so I don't understand why you're holding onto someone who's causing you so much pain. Stop. Just stop. She's unhappy and you're unhappy. Just stop forcing yourself on her and let things be.

Guh... the rest... the rest, I'll leave for you to figure out. I'm tired of this shit. I won't baby you anymore.

Fight your own battles because I have my own demons to slay.

-ht

Shit life makes me say #3

I gave him the ultimatum. Either he picks up his shit and figure out how he's screwing his life up or well, that's the end of our friendship.

That's my problem. I tend to care too much about everything and anything. I care too much about people and in that respect, I spoil them and they don't know how to act on their own volition. I give them solutions to their problems, when I should've lead them to the answer or at least a variation of a solution.

I honestly thought I was helping them, but instead, I was just leading them to their own demise.

I should've forced them to find their own answers instead of always spoon-feeding them things.

Somehow, I feel that it's my fault... the way he is now. The choices he's made...

Fuck. This again. Everything always boils down to me. I'm tired of this... I don't want to live a life of what if's and what I could've done's. I have to accept the past for what it was and embrace the present. I can't let shit from the past tie me down like that.

I don't know what I'm doing... all I know is that I have live with this constant anger towards myself. I'm tired of it/ I really wish I could stop hating myself, but it's something that's been driven into me for as long as I can remember. And, unfortunately, old habits die hard. Very hard.

Fuck. I really need to change my mentality. This self-destructiveness is killing me, physically and mentally.

I've more than enough shit to worry about and I can't afford to worry about myself right now.

Damnit. Damn this shit.