Shit life makes me say #10

I've been avoiding this for the longest time. Until I was forced to come to terms with it... or at least discuss it.

I lost another friend. Another colleague... to the hands of death.

Enough is enough. I'm so tired of losing people I care about. I'm tired of this bullshit.

I hate how helpless I am at the moment. How I'm unable to help them and all I can do is watch them disappear from my life just like that. All I ever wanted was to protect the ones I care about. But now I can't.

I've been getting so angry at myself for that very fact. It's sort of gotten to the point of where it's rather difficult not to hate myself.

It just makes everything I've been working for... all for nothing. All my efforts have been for naught.

And that just pisses me off. I've survived this far... only to watch others die. The very same people who kept me alive all these years I was working with them.

What the fuck, Life? Why?

I can feel the anger coming back again. Fuck... I need a breather. I need a drink. A walk. A run. Something.

I just want to escape this self-hatred. The last thing I want is for me to hate myself again.

I'm just so frustrated that I can't do anything to protect them.

I know I'm better than this. I know I need to stop thinking like this.

But... for now, I need to be like this so I can mourn. So I can come to terms with this.

I just... I don't know. No matter how many times I apologize... it'll never be enough.