I've never been so frustrated with everything to this extent before...

Nothing's working out at all...

Goddamnit. I can't just sit here and not work. So much for transferring... at this rate, I seriously won't even have enough money for culinary school. Though, thankfully, I do have enough skills to not need to attend, but I'd still very much like a degree to prove my worth to the cold and blind working world.

I don't even know anymore... I feel so useless and helpless. Even more so, now that my discharge has been approved and I'm completely out of that. Now I really feel out of the loop... I'm not helping anyone, I'm not even helping myself. Why am I still alive... sometimes, I really do think that I'm a waste of resources and that I'm just better off dead. What's the point... I don't want to live selfishly, but at the same time, we're selfish  by nature. So, I don't really think life is meant for me. I despise living for myself.

I want to be useful.

I want to be worth something.

I don't want to be a waste of things that can better go toward someone who really deserves them.

I just hate everything right now.

Well, no... I just hate myself. For being so useless.

I can't stand this stagnation. I don't want to do nothing. I need to fucking work. I don't understand why it's so goddamn difficult to just put me on the schedule. Either you tell me prior to my transfer that there's really no need for any more help, and direct me elsewhere, or give me some hours. We're all here to survive and in this fucked up world, we need money to do that. Shit.

So here I am again, desperately looking for fucking jobs again.

But no... I can't even run home to my parents for help. They'll just give me hell and shut me out for good this time. So forget this... I have myself and I will make it out alive.

Even if it means leave my beautiful city and going back to PA.

Why can't things just work out for once?

Why do I have to make sacrifices for everything that I do?

Why do I always have to be the one to improvise on my own part?

For once... why can't someone think of me and my position?

Why must we all be so selfish?

Even I'm being selfish for thinking like this...

There are reasons beyond our control that makes things so... and yet we always center it upon ourselves and the people around us, thinking that we could change things...

and perhaps we could... and perhaps we can.

I don't fucking know...