I'll never win against my own demons... that much I know.

I'm just really scared that I won't be strong enough to hold them back one day...

one day...

and I just might end up killing myself to destroy it... or allow it to destroy me.

I'm so scared to be weak... to be haunted by things that I should've forgotten already.

Why does my mind torment me like this?

I'm so tired of replaying her death in my head... I'm tired.

Perhaps, she might have forgiven me for my failure to protect her... but I haven't.

at least my mind and my heart haven't.

And I continue to spite myself every single day for it.

I should've been the one to die... perhaps.

I shouldn't have survived. So many days do I wake up and wish that it would've been me and not her.

Ughs.... it's just one of those really bad days. All I want is a hot cup of tea and someone to hold me for the rest of the day.

But here I am writing this and wallowing in my sorrow while drowning myself in cold water... with its bittersweet taste. Lingering... just like memories of her and how it cuts into my soul as the water cuts into my throat... trickling down my esophagus as she does into the crevices of my mind.

So let me forget. Let me live...

Or let me die.

Both are the same... no different.