#23

Dear--,

Holy crap, I fucking miss you. But... it's just me. I'm sure you could care less, trapt within your own world. I'm okay with that. This pain... isn't anything new. Same old, same old.

I hope you're doing well and having fun.

I'll be in hell for a week in winter training... perhaps I'll come back alive.

If I don't... then I'd like to say, in the words of my mother tongue,

"Jeg elsker dig."

^_^ I know you'll never read or understand those words, nor will I ever hear them back, but this way... well, it won't matter in the end.

No regrets.





Yours,
ht.

sobriety.

Well, the high's over~ it's time to return to reality.

I'm slowly falling back to my old self...

the rush of everything I'm trying to escape is hitting me at speeds beyond my threshold.

But I have to stand and bear the brunt of it.

I can't be weak. Not right now.

#22

Dear --,

I've no words, just lyrics.

"I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you

My lucky #10
Let me down again
My lucky #10
Supposed to be my friend
Stole my heart again

Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home

I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you

My lucky #10
Let me down again

My lucky #10
Supposed to be my friend
Stole my heart again

Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home

Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home
Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home "

Oblivion Dust:
Lucky#10

Yours,
ht.

extension.

No matter how hard I try, it seems, I just can't shake off whatever it is that haunts me.

I've done my fair share of festivities over the span of this week...

I was happy, caught in the moment. But the few seconds after I wake up and shake off whatever's left of the hangover... there it is again, in the pit of my heart:

The sharp sting of pain.

Guess I was just lost in a temporary escape.

This is like Vicodin for my wounds, I suppose.

I still have a long way to go before I really start to heal.

All I can do is dull the pain and distract myself from it.

There are times when I wonder if I'll ever be able to finally save myself... from myself.

I await the day where I can finally hear those three words of sweetness:

It's finally over.

And I can give up this madness and live my life, rather than fight for it.

joyeux.

Christmas...

bloody cheers, mate.

#20

Dear--,


Congratulations, even when you're vacationing coutnless miles away, in a different country, you still manage to piss me off and stab me in the heart. You're just fucking brilliant. You know that?

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I doubt it.

I'm known to be very patient... and tolerant. You can treat me like shit and I doubt I'd care much. But, holy crap, you're the first to put those two to the test and manage to break that limit.

I'm terribly sorry, but... I think I want to beat the fucking shit out of you. Actually, in all honesty, I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

Hmm, I hope this feeling will come to pass the next time I see you because I might just do that.

I never knew how painful liking someone who didn't give a shit was, until now.

"Oh yeah, that's the static that I wanna dance around in
Oh yeah, that's the haze I wanna keep around me

Solitude, it cuts me deep when I don't know just how I'm feeling
If you were there then I would mend and I could better understand that riddle
Red, red, the color that I keep sending to call you out
But I don't know, I don't know...

So, tell me if you're just a vision,
a cloudy mix of hidden meanings
If you appear and disappear then I can never get to know that riddle
Red, red, the color that I keep sending to call you out
But I don't know, I don't know if you are there."



Yours,
ht

#19

Dear--,

I miss you. Lots!!

But you can be a total fucking asshole sometimes.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

I'm starting to wonder whether I should go with him and give up on you... in spite of you. But, haha... I'll be the only one getting hurt in the end. He wants to use me and you don't give a shit about me. Yet, I hate him and like you. :I I am thoroughly confused.

Anyway, take care.

"好きダァァァァァヨ！"


Yours,
ht

priority.

Time to tie up loose ends before the year is over with.

Ah, how to get rid of my dear creeper. That is the question.

One part of me wishes to give in to your offer... out of vendetta.

But I'm sure I'll regret that. What entices me is the lack of emotion in the offer.

I am just an object according to the terms. It'll be a relationship with all the perks and none of the commitment.

How sweet that you see me as that.

Yet, I feel the need to lead you in and then do what you've done to my predecessors.

So you'll get a taste if your own bitter medicine.

It's people like you that I hate the most.

You're no different from my commander.

Humans have hearts. They have emotions. They aren't playthings.

Learn that. Commit that to memory. Apply that logic to your life.

reflection.

A friend asked me a simple question today:

Do you still go to church?

I didn't really think much of it at the moment. It's been a while since I've attended Mass and I know I really should. But... it also brought me back to the time when my grandma was fighting for her life in the ICU... and finally her surrender to that heavenly slumber. That period of time really impacted my views toward what I believed. It was after she passed that I sort of lost hope and distanced myself from God. I felt betrayed.

His sudden, yet temporary withdrawal from me was... unexpected. I was left wondering what the fuck I did wrong for weeks. I still don't know why he did what he did. And it still hurts like a bitch.

Then my ex had to come back into my life and give me hell for a few months. I've even had to give up my place at the dojo, my second home, along with my love, lion dancing.

I was angry. Angry at him, angry at the indifference of my parents to what I was going through, and I was angry at God. Why did He have to tear away the two people that mattered most in my life... at the same time?

I'm pretty sure I would have killed myself... if it weren't for the support from my wonderful friends. But, even with them... I was too blinded by the pain of the situation and I had a relapse with my great struggle: cutting. I started doing that again, but this time more discreetly. I've cut my arms and was found out, I've cut my thighs and was found out as well. But this time, I cut my back. It was my little secret. My private release, unbeknownst to anyone else. And for a while, I was happy. I was happy to know that I was human... the pain was irrelevant to me. It was the blood... feeling those warm crimson droplets roll down my back. I was still alive, even though I felt dead. And I was glad. Though, thankfully that only lasted for two weeks. I've realized that I've reached my lowest point and I had to do something before I really did destroy myself. There were people that depended on me. I couldn't give up.

Yet, the feeling of betrayal was strong. I was forced to fight all of this at once... like being dropped into a war zone without any weapons, not even a damned plate carrier or ballistic vest! It really felt as if my soul was literally being ripped out from me. There were so many questions... so many things I wanted an explanation to.

So I stopped praying, stopped reading the Bible all together. I still haven't done either, even now.

I just don't know who or what to turn to anymore.

It feels like I have no one but myself... because everyone else will just end up hurting me.

Yet... despite all of this madness, everything is slowly coming back together.

I'm slowly accepting her death and the legal issues are slowly being settled between my side and the step-family. She really trained me well... I wouldn't know half the things I know.. or be as strong and as resilient as I am today if my parents took care of me in my childhood and not her. Thank you for that. I am forever in debt to you. It was hell, but it was worth it. I never realized how much you cared and loved me until now... but it's too late to thank you in person.

I've also finally resolved my issue with the ex, even though he's still trying to re-establish our relationship. But.. at least he's stopped calling me every night at two in the morning. I can finally sleep.

Plus, finals are over. So I don't have to fret over those things again.

I've learned and grown a lot from this experience. This fucking hellish experience...

but... before I can appreciate and realize what I've learned...

I need to heal. I'm beyond broken right now. My heart is still a mess and trying to mend itself. I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

All I want right now is to spend some time to recover... and reprioritize.

If I didn't live in such a dangerous neighborhood, I'd just head to the beach and catch the sun set... then stargaze.

But ultimately, I just want some time to reflect... in a place untainted by memories. Or maybe just a shoulder to lean on... but that would be too much of a burden.

Oh well, I'll make do with what I have. I'll recover. Somehow.

polymerization.

I am at a loss.

I need to reach a consensus between who I was and who I am...

so that I can finally become someone I want to be.

Somehow.

ballistics.

Is my life worth a single promise?

Maybe.

#18

Dear--,

Whatever... it's ultimately my fault, because I chose to feel this way.

お旅に気をつけて、ネ。



Yours,
ht.

morning dew.

I don't know what's wrong with me...

I seem to be allergic to something because my eyes keep watering.

Grant me one night where I'm not crying. One day where I don't have to pretend to be happy.

I'm not strong enough to keep this front.

Save me... somebody.

#17

Dear--,

It's been quite a long time since I've written my first letter to you. I've learned a lot about myself and the process of liking someone... and the loving them throughout these weeks.

It's been a hellish journey and it still is.

I only hope in my heart that perhaps... one day you'll stumble upon this and read these very words. The pain and anguish that you've put me through. And finally understand just how much I've had to go through in order to retain my feelings for you in spite of all the shit you've given me, unknowingly.

I have to force myself to deny these feelings and at the same time keep them for you. All in order to be able to talk to you every single day without breaking. Because some things you say... work as blades to not only my heart, but to the very essence of my existence: my soul.

I don't even understand this myself... I don't understand why I like you so much or why I give a damn about the things you say to me. Every word from you is carefully analyzed and processed into my already deeply analytical Lit major mind. I understand that you don't think much of what you say... but everything and anything that comes from you means a lot to me because you mean a lot to me.

It hurts me so much that I can't tell you these words myself, but that's partially your fault... as much as I don't want to admit. I keep calling you a jerk for a reason... and that's because you keep toying with me. There are times when you make it seem as if you return these feelings and there are also times when it seems as if you could care less about me. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel... because I don't know which truth to believe. I know which one I want to believe... but I'm scared to do so because, if I chose incorrectly, my heart and myself... would be shattered. This is the only way I can protect myself from any more pain from you.

I'm tired of being put through this roller coaster of emotions. I just want a straight answer. I can't keep living my every day like this... it's too much for me. My mind is already strained with my other charges. This battle with my family that I have to fight. I'm already torn by that... I don't want to be stretched even further with you. I'm already going beyond my limits, dipping into my reserves.

Let me know... so I can finally stop these tears at night. So I can sleep with a smile instead. My pillow tires of drinking these seemingly endless droplets of salt.

I've never let someone bring me down this hard before. I've faced many people who have tried to destroy me out of hatred... and I've survived each encounter, unscathed mostly. But you... you kill me out of affection. The very thing that was supposed to give me strength... has become my cyanide. The sweetness of love and companionship, turned bitter.

Damnit... just this once. I'd like to smile and laugh without having to fake it. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to be real. I'm not asking you to fix me or anything. My only salvation comes from within, that much I understand.

But... the luxury of being able to live life... knowing at least one person in this cruel world loves you... after being deceived and betrayed by even family for so long. Even hated. I've had to create this persona of a heartless, emotionless, strong, no-nonsense person to get through this life. Just this once, I'd like to know that there's one person I can trust... that I can place my true self with and can rest assured that they won't destroy it. Someone I could rely on. Someone that wanted me... that I was useful to that person. That I was able to make them happy. Because I fail at making people happy. I've tried so hard... through my humor and everything. But in the end... I still disappoint. I still can never please anyone with myself. I don't want to pity myself... this isn't self-pity. This is the truth. I can't make anyone happy...

Maybe in another life. I'll have that joy... but for now I'll live the life Fate dealt me to the best of my abilities. I refuse to give up because I have so much more to live for. My life will never be in vain if I manage to make a positive impact on even just one person in my life. I'd die in bliss knowing I've achieved that.

While I live... let me live!




Yours, like always,
ht

#16

Dear--,

I'm wearing a mask of neutrality. It's the only way I can keep this flow of pain at bay.

That's ultimately because I don't know what you feel towards me. I'm scared to act because of that... I thought I knew what you were thinking, but I seem to be wrong. You're too good at hiding yourself from me. Now I have to do the same with you... to protect myself.

I really really wish we could just be open and blunt with ourselves, while sober. I don't want to use alcohol as a crutch. I want to tell you how I feel and what I think... with all of me present.

Either let my affection grow or die... just let me know. This is my only wish and desire, my dear. If you can't grant me anything else... grant me this, I beseech you.

"But I never say that I was into you. Only hoped that you'd want to... somehow know what I was thinking and tell me that it was alright.

4AM... and words meant nothing. No need to drive the sleep from my eyes when there's none coming tonight."



Yours,
ht.

#15

Dear--,

I am stronger than before.

With or without you.

The ball is in your court.


My pride. My foolish pride... I don't want to be destroyed again. It's an unending stream of pain that shall never relinquish me. It's too late... this is the only way I can protect myself, my heart, and you. I'm too tired to continue this battle.



Yours,
ht.

sunshine.

I've been living a dream and a nightmare these past months.

But now I've finally broken from that spell.

I was a fool to let that entity get to me. How silly!

The experience wasn't of no avail though. I've learned so much from it.

I can't let someone be my everything, because I'll have nothing when s/he is gone.

Let my happiness depend on no one but myself. It's only then that I shall be free.

[100th post!]

treasure.

The answers I seek... come from within.

Too many walls, too many years spent surviving... I think I've lost the key.

#14

Dear--,

I do not know how to feel at the moment.

Your words confuse me even more.

Yet, I'll try to decode my way through your cryptic lines.

I don't want to hurt you, nor do I want to be the recipient of it.

A calm and neutral mind will take me far: key to our salvation.



Yours,
ht.

#13

Dear--,

I'm trying to move on and let go, but you're making this ever so difficult.

You kill me with your every word.

Stop sending me mixed signals; that's the crux of my suffering. I don't know what you want from me anymore... do you want me to forget you and keep going or do you want me to remain by your side? Tell me because that will be the death of me, mon cher. You keep pushing me away and pulling me back. I'm human too. I have emotions as well. I am not a toy that you play with when you want and toss away when it bores you.

Blood runs through me, not cyanide. I have a heart... I'm subject to pain as well. Please understand that.

-ht.

#12

Dear--,

It hurts.

What you're doing to me. It fucking hurts.

My feelings toward you will never change, even if there are other people interested in me. It will never waver.

I only have eyes for you.

That is all.

-ht.

#11

Dear--,

I try to forget and let you go, but I cannot.

I believe, in my desperation to end the pain, I've made a terrible decision.... though I'll be the only one on the receiving end of the hurt. In this case.

My dear... I still don't understand what I feel for you. This attachment feels so strong. I shall let music speak for me, the rest of this letter.



-ht.

about face.

Smile through the pain. =)

I'm fighting this battle on my own now.

As weak as I am, I won't show it.

#10

Dear--,

Not liking you is much harder than you know.

I have no one to blame for this hell but myself. I hate myself for letting you lead me on. It's damn fine now that I'm stuck in this pain.

Goddamnit. My heart isn't a fucking toy you can just fool around with.

Two damn years, I've closed myself up... and I was lucky enough to choose you to reopen myself.

I hate myself for liking you. I really do. I know clearly that you aren't torn by this pain or bothered by this. I'm glad... but at the same time... I'd wish to serve you a piece of my suffering. Just so you understand exactly what you make me go through every fucking day.

But it wasn't all in vain. I learned that I should just close this heart of mine permanently. It would spare me so much pain.

I wish... I wish I continued to avoid you instead of this. I would've been spared so much pain... so many fewer drinks.

The fault is mine... and I must pay for it.

The heart is the core of this. I can't stop liking you... so I must kill my heart, for that is the root of my sweet precious pain.

End me... love. Torture and kill me with that joy and bliss that I shall never have. Destroy me. I... give up.

-Hana.

sentence.

It's time to let my heart die.

#9

Dear--,

I need to tell you what I intend to do... I feel like I'd be betraying you if I didn't.

Even if you don't care anymore.

It kills me, but it's my strength. It gives me strength to still speak with you and pretend everything is alright. So that I'm not being stabbed in the heart with your every word... though perhaps it only numbs the pain. Heh. I don't know.

-ht

go go go.

It's decided... I'll take that bastard on.

I'll give up everything for the sake of getting the last laugh.

If that's what it takes to get him out of my life and to protect the ones I care about from him.

My dignity. My soul. My pride. All that is me... I will let go.

So I can destroy that entity.

I won't have any regrets.

The only people I'll be hurting is him... and myself.

My Dear, it seems, doesn't like me anymore or at least he has lost interest in me, so I think he'll be spared from the pain of me doing this. Or at least he'll have an apathetic outlook upon it.

So be it then. I am ready. Bring it.

#8

Dear--,

It hurts so much because you don't know just what the hell you're doing to me. I'm tired of fighting this pain. I just want to know the truth. It feels as if you're hanging on to me because it's convenient. And, you'd let me go at a moment's notice... or if you find some other girl that's more convenient and much much better than I am.

You don't understand the meaning behind my words when I told you that I felt like a toy, a tool. It wasn't my ex. It was you. I feel as if I'm being used by you. I'm just a placeholder in your mind. And even now... I feel like its less than that.

What am I to you now?

I feel like a fool, thinking that what we had actually meant something to you. But I was wrong. I'm glad I didn't tell you how much you meant to me....because it would've been so much more humiliating. You're worth everything to me... truly I'd stop everything for your sake. Yet, I know now that that's unrequited. I'm not worth anything to you. If you'd rather find affection in someone that treats you like shit... go ahead. If it has to be like that, then I don't want you to like me because I don't want to treat you like shit. Because you're not; never in my eyes.

I wish you'd realize what you're doing to me, every damn day. I wish you'd read this.

I hate you so much because I like you too much...

My private pain, Cruel... do you understand? The root of my misery is you, Bravo, mi amore.

-ht

reel.

Is it worth this fight?

I'm letting go, but I feel as if I'm giving up too easily.

It's right in front of me... I just need to walk towards it.

I am walking though. But I've lost my soles...

Bare feet upon jagged gravel. It pains me so to walk.

Fortune beckons mockingly.

#7

Dear--,

You're so confusing.

I wish we could be open with our thoughts. So I could stop over-thinking and over-analyzing.

I'd have to deal with much less pain each day. So I'd know whether to move on or to open up.

I wish.

-ht.

#6

Dear--,

Who am I kidding? I can't.

I've only a human heart.

ht.

#5

Dear--,

I should just let go and let things flow.

This is out of my control, so I needn't fret over this. It's unnecessary.

Whatever happens will happen, as painful or as pleasurable. So be it.

I need to focus on my life and not yours. Yes, I shall serve you when you call upon me, but it'll more apathetic.

I will try to keep my heart from reason.


I'll shift my perspective, so I'll change my world.

-ht.

checkmate.

Turns out I've lost my focus...

I was too stuck on the situation itself rather than the cause of it.

#4

Dear--,

I'm trying to detach myself from my emotions to make this easier...

Yet, every word you say, is another stone rebuilding the path towards you that I'm trying to destroy.

I don't know what to think at the moment.

To let you get into every crevice of my consciousness...

-ht.

#3

Dear--,

I've left this blog exposed...

Is it worth the risk? Probably not.

I can't keep these thoughts in anymore, though. Or else, I'll truly destroy myself in the end. I'm human, I think... so I am selfish by nature.

Forgive my selfishness... I don't even know anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

-ht.

#2

Dear--,

I think I'll just keep writing these letters. It's better than drinking or anything else. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell you myself these things that go through my head.

You kill me. You're really killing me.

I don't know what to think anymore... with every word, my heart just breaks.

I'm tired of being at your mercy. I want to stop liking you. Period.

It just hurts too fucking much! Every day, I'm damn miserable because it feels like you're.. no.. it doesn't feel like it. You are toying with me.

FUCK YOU.

GUH. Even though, I know this is ultimately my fault. It's my fault for liking you. Ughs, I hate this. I know where I stand. I know where I fucking stand... but it doesn't feel like that anymore. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know.

It seems as if this is slowly becoming unrequited. I can't stand this anymore.

This stagnation is killing me! I'm stuck... you're keeping me in one place.

I can't move on nor can I fall back... because of you.

You make it seem as if it's requited and you like me back, but so many fucking things that you do makes it seem like you don't.

I don't know what to think. I'm killing myself every fucking day wondering what the hell you're trying to do.

I hate you... but I hate myself more. I really do.

You're an asshole... but I can't stop liking you.

Why do I always set myself up for pain... it seems like that's all I'm living for.

Just this once, I want a taste of that happiness.

-ht.

[null]

I've lost all focus as of late.

This break has been anything than a break...

So far I've managed to start projects, but never finishing them.

I guess that's what Winter Break is for?

Probably not.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I feel like I'm just being toyed with...

I wish you took me seriously,

because I'm taking you seriously.

surrender.

I won't let this bother me anymore.

The more I detach myself, the less pain I'll be in.

resolute.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

But I'll find out and mend everything.

I won't be weak anymore...

I vow to be stronger than before.

I'll never break down like this ever again.

思い出に

i've betrayed myself along with their lives.

there's nothing more to say.

let my end be my ultimate punishment.

ablution.

I don't know what to think anymore.

You're just fucking with my head.

I won't fall for the same shit twice.

#1

Dear--,

I've realized something today...

I hate you.

I hope you'll realize that.

Do you know how much pain you've put me through? This torture itself is enough to drive anyone insane and to the point of taking their lives!

I don't know why I'm still standing. I don't understand.

But what I do know is that I fucking hate you. I fucking hate your guts. You're a mothefucking jerk. I hate everything about you.

I can say this a million times and, yet... and yet you'll never realize that.

With all my heart I hate you. You're a fucking asshole, you know that?

You've pulled me through so much shit it's not even laughable. All these emotional ups and downs... you served as the catalyst to them.

I hate you so much...

Yet, I'm still standing by your side. I'll still fight for your happiness. I'll still protect that smile on your face. I'll still be there for you.

Why?

...because regardless of how much I hate you, I've learned to love you.

So long as there's hatred in my heart for you, beside it, there will be love for you.

In the end, I guess... I'm the one to hate. I should just hate myself instead.

I care about you so much, yet you fail to realize that. I just feel so used... I'd give up our friendship to transcend that to something else... I'd risk it. I'd risk it all for that. What's life without its risks?

I am willing to put our friendship on the line to become something more.

Because I'm selfish like that.

Just once, I'd like a taste of that happiness... just once I'd like to have a person that I can share a bit of life with. My joys and my sorrows... someone I can remove my masks for.

I don't care if it doesn't work out in the end.. at least we'd have tried.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I don't want to feel like this... but I am. I can't deny them.

I wish you'd step out of my consciousness.


I just wish...

I wish... that you could read this and understand what I really feel. You know how I feel towards you already. You know that I do like you... but you don't know what I think, what goes through my mind every time you do those things to me.

I feel like such a fool for thinking like this. For succumbing to shit like this for one single person. For you...

I hate myself for liking you too much.
I should've distanced myself when I had the chance, but now it's too late. I've fallen for you and it hurts like a bitch every time I talk to you. I wish I can stop this pain, but I can't.

I've never met anyone like you before... you stand out among the rest. I wish you'd fall back and blend in, but that won't happen. So I'm stuck in this self-created madness.

Damnit. I've liked, I've thought I loved... but this is different, it feels much more real.

-ht.

PS. I know everything'll remain the same between us because these words will never grace your eyes. I'll drink until I'm numb and don these painful masks... so I can smile for you. ^_^

surge.

I've finally managed to pull myself out of this depressive state.

I was out of it for such a long time.

Though, isn't the point to get out of it? Going back "into it" would be rather strange. We're limiting ourselves to be normal, in a way. Alas, conformity is the societal norm. I suppose.

But that's beside the point.

I've learned a lot these pasts months.

I've realized that I've really let myself get soft.

I'm depending on people too often. I wasn't like that.

Self-sufficiency was my life. It was how I survived all those years.

I placed emotions before reason. That was my fatal mistake that sent me spiraling down this endless descent into hell.

I'll never let this happen again.

I doubt I'll ever try and open my heart up to anyone anymore. It's just not worth the pain and suffering. It was like have my soul ripped out along with my heart. Hell beyond measure, that's what it was. So excruciating, yet I loved that pain.

I won't give up though. I'll still fight... I've gone too far into this to give up.

I've managed to stop cutting, for now. Though I don't know how long I can remain clean. Three years was my longest, hopefully I'll trump that.

I'm positive I will this time. It just doesn't thrill me anymore... at least I don't really feel any pain. All I get out of it is the that it serves as a stark reminder that I'm human on the inside and I'm entitled to emotions as well. It's blood that flows through me. Life...

So I'll live in spite of life. In spite of everything and everyone.

I'll never dream.

I can't stand this anymore.

I need to leave this place for good.

I can't fight this breakdown anymore.

I wish I could rip this heart of mine out...

So I'll cease to feel.

So I'll cease to love.

So I'll cease to care.

So I'll cease to live.

I don't want to live like this.

Time after time I've tried to change.

I've tried to change myself.

I've tried to change others.

I've tried to change everything.

It's but an endless cycle of pain.

This battle will never be won.

I surrender. My demons...

You've won.

Now let me cease to be... softly softly.

Be still my soul.

Be still my heart.

Let not a second breath escape from these parched lips of mine.

Let this be my final and last breath.

I don't want to fight anymore.

I've lost everything.

Wake me up from this nightmare and let me embrace death's sweet arms.

But.

I don't want to be like this.

Yet I am.

It's the undeniable truth of my untruths.

complications.

I am numb.

I've ceased to care about anything or anyone.

All of my future motives and actions will be devoid of any meaning.

I don't care anymore. Do as you please.

You've two lives instead of one. Mine and your own.

Use mine wisely. I am at your disposal.

I'm willing to lay my life and my entirety down for you.

Because I love you.

But what use have you for my life or my pathetic gesture.

You're Pain.

granted,

I'll stop questioning my path and accept it.

What else can I do?

The more I fight it, the more pain I'll be subjected to.

I've already gone beyond my limits.

I'm already gone. I'm already dead... or my spirit is.

I've given up on myself and everything.

I wish. The two words that's wrought so much suffering.

I wish. I wish I wish. I wish.

I wish I never met you.

I wish I never liked you.

I wish I never loved you.

I wish I never cared about you.

I wish I'd just disappear.

So I can forget you and live on.

But I can't. Wishes were never meant to be granted. They are nothing.

They mean nothing to me. But what really does?

In the end, the only thing that matters is nothing at all, you'll have learned.

So let it be.

Let me cease to be. Let me be with my spirit.

sanguine.

I managed to be clean for a year.

I've betrayed myself again.

I wonder how deep the blade will go this time.

Perhaps this'll be my final relapse.

I can only hope... my tired self begs to be relieved.

live wire.

You act the reflection of what you say.

I'd say you were a filthy hypocrite... I but won't.

Whoops. I just did.

I'm so sick of this... we all have our limits.

I've gone beyond mine ten times over.

asphyxiate.

It's so hard to breathe.

Everything's closing in... there's no escape.

I've missed my chance. Now, I must face the consequences.

It's always those closest that inflict the most painful blows, as light as they are.

My goodness, kill me already. Have mercy!

You've got me cornered, without any room to make my getaway...

so finish me. The final blow, please.

one-stop.

Don't save me. Don't try to mend it.

I just pretend to have a heart.

Not too sure why I'm still standing... breathing.

Though the most mystifying thing is why I can still feel.

Why is there this pain, physical and spiritual, within my chest?

The pain only increases as hours pass.

Indeed, it's ripping me apart.

Yet, I know... that I do not have a heart.

This pain is so real.

Almost tangible.

If I reach my fingers out to touch...

I can nearly expect to feel its thick sickly coagulating mess between them.

I haven't a heart... maybe a soul if I hadn't sold it yet.

I truly haven't a heart.

So why do I still desire love or affection?

If I myself am no longer capable of such?

It wouldn't be fair.

No, it wouldn't.

Why do I still want to be loved...

If I haven't a heart.

Where will that love spend its days in?

There's nothing to protect it, to shelter it... grow it perhaps.

I suppose it's only in my selfishness that such a dilemma arises.

Unrequited love... how pathetic of me.

I though I was better than this.

Stripped of my pride and whatever bit of dignity I have left...

I've let this distasteful desire ensnare me.

My thoughts, clouded.

My actions, restricted.

I no longer know my motives.

I suppose I search for love in hopes of destroying that perpetual pain.

Perhaps one day...

I'll find a heart, so I can finally feel life's worth, tasting the sweetness of life's nectar.

I'll fight for now... just a moment longer.

murmur.

For you?

Anything... so long as you allow me to.

I do hope you realize it's for your sake that I drag myself through this Hell called existence for your sake. Each and everyday.

For you. I'd protect you with my entirety... so long as I'm breathing.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up though... this heart of mine, with every beat, brings so much pain.

Yet, it's still beating despite the pain. I'll live... for you.

So let me serve by your side, until the very end.

It would be the greatest gift... my only piece of true happiness:

Your smile and well-being.

wish.

three words. just three simple words my heart and soul hungers for:

the.battle's.over.

That's all I ever wanted to hear. I just want someone to tell me that I don't have to fight anymore, that I can finally shed this hellish life of mine. To tell me that it's alright to cry, that it's not a show of weakness... that everything will be okay.

And yet... I do not deserve that relief. I'm not worthy... Yet, at the same time, I yearn for some one to tell me to shut the fuck up and stop spewing out this bullshit. That I'm worth it... but I have no one. All I have is myself. I'm mine to exploit, to destroy, to save.


In the end, as I've said countless times, I'm alone. I'm fated to fight this battle alone... everyone and anyone that I've grown attached to... I have lost. There's no one left. I must catch my own fall. I must lean on my own shoulder... with these same shoulders I must carry what's left of my family to safety. I don't give a damn if they loathe me anymore. Hatred was my friend all my life... what makes it any different? So I beseech you to hate me and spite me. I'll still be here to protect you all, covertly. Until my final moments here... whatever it takes. I'm willing to sacrifice it all for your sake.... there's nothing I care about anymore. I don't care what becomes of me so long as your happiness is guaranteed. Let me to my misery for that is my ultimate punishment for whatever sins I have committed.

Maybe one day I'll be free of this self-destructive thinking. One day... but for now I lead my days in this living purgatory. Neither hell nor paradise...

I really want to let go. At this point in life, taking into account the situation...

I want to give up. I want do let go of this. Yet, I'm chained to life by others. Damn this, damn this to hell.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want this pain in my heart... I don't want to live in fear. I just want to lead an ordinary life, happily... with a normal family, normal past. Given the chance, I'd unlearn all knowledge about the darker side of life. I'd give up all my insight just so I can live happily~ with minimal worries. If ignorance truly does bring bliss, then let me be the most ignorant dolt known to humans.

To forget... to forget it all. How many more bottles? How many more shots will it take to unchain me of these wretched memories?

tabi

I'm finished.

It's time to give up my old self and start over...

I've got to move out of here.

so be it.

There's no hope for redemption... from the Lord... from myself.

I've gotten way too deep in this shit.

soothsayer.

I've wandered too far off the path for any hope of redemption.

Sometimes, I just wish someone would destroy me so I can start over again... but that would be weakness.

I need to pick up the pieces and replace them to their original form... and make do from there.

I'll be complete and whole on the outside, but be without essence from within. A living shell... with nothing to drive her but spite for life and the desire for the last laugh.

Once again, I'm driven by vengeance... I thought I was through with that, but I was wrong. In the end, it's always about revenge. Vendetta... my sole driving force. My motivator.

At last~ I think I'm too in deep for any form of redemption. My hands are stained... the filthy liar that I am.

So destroy me. Feed me nothing but pain... sate my thirst with nothing but my own tears and blood for that is all I deserve.

The fires of Gehenna awaits what's left of my soul, granted that I haven't sold it in my attempt to survive.

Let me live in hatred... that's my only sustenance. Without a heart. Without love. Without compassion.

That is my ultimate punishment.

wait.

I've found another reason to spite myself... I'll hold on to this.

Hate me. Hate me. hate me. Destroy me...

Stay away from me lest I taint you... I've lost favor with life and that of my own soul. I don't deserve anything save for perpetual pain and punishment. I've also lost favor with myself.

All that is good and joyful, deny me of it. I've committed too many sins. Let me be in my misery for that is my ultimate reward.

Demon child.. demon child... I've become you instead.

counsel.

How can I sleep at night?

Oh demon child... demon child. You've finally manifested... so I hope to destroy you 'fore you consume what's left of my soul.

Let the battle carry on. Let me rid of you from my nonexistent heart and consciousness.

try me.

Let's see how well I can act.

And damnit, can I act.

This is for you... all for you. In the name of vengeance. I'll take you to hell with me.

clear.

I've finally received my long-sought answer. My mind can finally rest, but my heart cannot.

Aah, I'm tired of living like this. I'd very much like to break from this world of pain...

I'm so sick of short-lived happiness... it feels as if the world is taunting me, giving me a taste and then quickly relinquishing it. I don't want to be toyed with anymore. But... reality dictates otherwise.

Haha, I'm exhausted. So exhausted of giving myself excuses to go on, telling myself things'll be better that perhaps I shan't have to fight alone. But that's the stark reality...

I entered this Hell alone, I'm going through it alone, so it's only logical that I leave it alone.

That's how it is, but I don't want that. No matter how hard I try to brush that desire off, it still remains deep within my dying heart. As much as I don't want to admit it, as much as I want to deny it... I'm scared of being alone. I grow weary of losing the ones I care about... even this right now is just insane. Absurd even. I'm still trying to fathom how this is happening to me. I'd like to say that it was unfair, but life's unfair. That's a fact. I'm a living breathing testament to that.

You've taken everything away from me, Life. Along with my will to live. The only thing keeping me going is my promise to her, that I'd protect him always. So long as he's still alive, I too must live. I feel like that's the only catalyst for my actions. To protect. Everything I do is for the well-being of everyone. I don't want to think that it's not worth it, but I do.

I want to live for myself. I want to live for happiness that is my own... but I don't know how. As long as this guilt shares its existence with my soul, I cannot break free from this. Everything that is in my own interest will be branded as selfish and shouldn't even cross my consciousness.

I really need someone to help me... but I don't want to risk sounding like a depressed mess. Though, in truth, that's exactly what I am right now. Two years before, I've lost someone that truly cared about me. One year before, I lost my one and only confidant... and this year, I've lost my mentor in life and to add to that, I've lost someone I can fully put myself into. The family's a mess now. The father is spiraling down a path of depression. The mother, she has her own family to deal with.

I don't know how I can pull myself together anymore. I've lost everything. Everyone... I'm scared... scared to ask for help. Scared to admit that I'm broken.

I've reached my limit, my breaking point. This is it. I can't bear anymore than this. If this be Hell, then let pain be my sustenance. 

But, I know I can't give up. I'll fight for this happiness... even if I lose, it won't be in vain. Maybe in my next life... things will be different. I'll fight this battle for now... as this heart of mine dies with each step, with each blow.

Yet for now, I need to just... break down. That's the only way I can build myself back up.

Grant me hope. Grant me strength. Grant me happiness. Let me be free.

Never again, do I want to live only in fear of the end... only in fear of short-lived joys.

I thought this was it, but I was wrong... and now I must face the consequences for opening myself once more.

I'd beg for death, but even I do not deserve the good graces of the end. Am I forever cursed to lead this life of pain?

Though, ultimately, my one and only wish is for someone to find me. To see through my happy facade and tell me that no, I'm lying... that I'm really not okay. But to not worry, because they're there and that even though my world is falling apart, they'll try to keep it together, little by little. Yet, their mere existence itself is more than enough to stop my world from being further destroyed. To just know that someone cares, is more than enough to fill my heart to the brim with hope. It's tough to have been hated all my life... to have your whole class use you as the scapegoat for everything. I'd be the first person they made fun of... laughed at, spat at... and many more atrocities. But I lived on... I survived that hell, all five.damn.years. I did it all alone and fell in the process. I succumbed to self-mutilation. I learned to love pain... I became a masochist to survive. If my entirety was composed of nothing but physical and mental attacks, I might as well learn to love it.

I escaped and I survived... but not unscathed. I'll always be insecure. I'll always be ugly in my eyes... I'll never be worth anything. I'll never be good enough. I'll always doubt myself. Such is my life... yet I hide it so well. I play those imperfections as modesty, as shyness. When I brush off a compliment, I truly do... and believe it to be a lie and nothing more. Something to please the ears so to win my favor.

I just want someone to find me. Please... hurry. Save me from this... hear my wordless plea. Look into my eyes, past my deceitful smile... my eyes can only speak the truth, for they are the windows to my soul and my soul can never lie. I can only smile for so long before my mask breaks and I can pretend no longer. Read between my lines and realize my plight. Listen to the pauses between my words, hear my silent cries, my wails. See my invisible tears. See what my scars have to say... all over my arms and legs. If you gaze long enough, they'll spell out my true feelings, my ulterior motives, my constant battles with myself.

Find me. Expose the dirty liar that I am... as that's all I really am. A liar, cursed to speak untruths for eternity. All in the name of survival.

Because if I say that I'm depressed or under the weather, they'll just brush my words of, saying that it was but a pathetic plea for attention and nothing more. In a way, yes. It is a plea for attention... because I'm hanging on for dear life. I need to call for attention so someone can pull me up again. 

Haha, though the truth is I'll have to save myself. I'll have to slay my own demons... no one will ever give a damn enough to help me. So I must carry on, even if I'm already a walking corpse, controlled by pain and fear, my masters.

whisper.

But of course, I shall never betray the truth...

of just how much you're killing me.

falsities.

I'll live in this illusion for a moment longer...

My heart can't take this anymore... so I shall let it rest, for the time being.

cry.

I surrender...

myself to victory.

A blow to my heart is not at all fatal... when I'm already dead from within.

I'll fight on, despite my wound, despite the pain, despite the blood that is a grim reminder that this vessel still lives.

tasukete.

Teach me how to fight this battle...

this is beyond anything and everything I've been pitted against.

operating operatives.

It's me against the world.

Always has been, always will be.

I wonder why that is though. Why do you continue to incessantly torture me so? Is it because of my refusal to fight back? Because I will... this time. I'll take matters into my own hands. I shan't let you destroy me. Not again. I'm sick and tired of wallowing in this pain that you're shoving down my throat. I'll fight back and take my rightful share of joy. I won't shy away. I'm sick and tired of this same circle of battles, always ending with you as the victor. I'll destroy the shadow that lurks over me, killing me not slowly but rapidly. I may be dead on the inside. But so long as this heart is beating and this mind capable of sound thoughts, I will keep fighting. I'll march through all the shit that gets in my way. I'll wait until I can see into the essence of life itself before I take my shot.

My anger will never be sated until I get my answer. I'm so tired of playing this game... it's just too damn frustrating. This tug and pull of emotions... but I'll fight until the very end. I won't be the victim anymore. I'll take you down with me to Hell if I must.

All I ever wanted was a straight-forward answer. That's all. I don't give a damn whether it's something I want to hear or not. I just want to know. I want to know what's going on, so I may act accordingly. Those half-assed answers mean nothing to me. You say one thing and then the next... completely undoes whatever was said in the former. Just give me a goddamned answer. I'm sick of guessing and mulling of stupid hypothetical schematics of idiocy. I won't hide behind a veil of drunkness... too lost in that pain. I'll remove my mask and bare my everything to receive this answer.

Grant me strength. Grant me a calm mind to act. Grant me stoicism.

I need to detach myself from myself to win this battle... or to even take my first step.

Give me strength... because I don't know if I'll come out of this alive. But.. so long as I've an answer. I shall die with no regrets.

I don't spite you. I don't love you. I don't fear you. I don't loathe you. I don't like you.

I can't remove a (k)not without your answer. It's tied too tightly. Only what you say shall grant me a strategy to unravel what is eating me on the inside, feeding upon the pure essence of my soul- the bane of my existence.

And so I beseech thee once more, grant me strength to ask you this...

What am I to you? Truly.

I wish to know where I stand. I'm falling and still ever am... until I can untie this rope to grant me salvation.

I shan't wince at a painful reply... pain is what I've been brought up on. I am numb to it... or so my soul is.

But the heart isn't. It knows nothing... untainted by the horrors of life. I've managed to protect it well from everything and anything. Perhaps that was my error. I shouldn't have. I should've opened it up to experience the world. So that it may understand and gain knowledge to handle this... rather than having my mind fight its battles as it is now.

But what's done is done. I've a battle to start and finish. Hopefully I can end it before the sun wakes once more... if not then by tomorrow night.

My soul can only bear so much... in its current state.

But.. you can't really break me. What's already broken... cannot be broken once more.

Though in ruins I lie, I shall use it to my advantage. The shards shall serve as caltrops to halt your steps. To corner you so that you shan't escape from my question.

A rather simple question with a complex answer that's the power to create life and to destroy one. To mend a heart or crush it. To join a soul or shatter it into a million pieces.

So I lie in wait... for you. A careful sniper without her scout. But this will do.

This will do.

Lord help me now. I can't say that I'm not afraid... apprehension is what courses through my veins. The adrenaline... alone... sustains me.

Hear my silent battle cry: The beating of my heart, reverberating through my core.

Heaven help me.

respects.

I just can't say good bye...

I love you too much. I'd take your place in a heartbeat. In a

h e a r t b e a t.

If only it would cease to be, by your side I would lie. Until the end of time.

softly.

You deserved so much better. I have loved and always will love you. So long as I am breathing, I will always have you in my heart. Though you're physically not here, you live through me; your blood runs through my veins.

This isn't good bye. I'll see you later.... when it's my turn to be granted admittance into that paradise.

Rest... in your perpetually beautiful slumber.

weapon of minial destruction.

I don't care.

That's all it takes to shield what's left of my heart from any more pain.

Detachment in its purest. My last and ultimate line of defense.

reams of dreams.

So this is what hell feels like...

A true masochist's dream~ my heart feels as if it's being ripped out as a thousand blades are impaled upon me on a daily basis.

Lovely. Let no one wake me up from this wonderful dream

...so that I may never need to open mine eyes anymore and will furthermore be granted admittance into my premature perpetual slumber... away from this bitter reality better known as Life.

save point.

Regroup and reorganize.

Can't risk any tactical or strategical errors.

draw.

The perpetual struggle between what I must do and what I want to do...

Yet, in the end... the result has been predetermined.

semper fi.

I need all the strength I can get right now...

Living on a prayer.

ultimatum.

I knew it was false hope. I knew it all along...

How long will you toy with me, Life?

I don't know how much my heart can take until it gives in and beats its last...

Why don't you just end me now?

roulette

I can't hold on much longer... I'm at my limit, my breaking point.

tactics.

My mask is killing me.

I don't want to hide what I feel, yet I have to.

I need to keep that strong front in order to keep everyone together, so to not add to the chaos. Everyone's already a mess. I can't afford to be like that too... it'll only add to the burden. I have to stay strong-- at least on the outside.

I don't even know what's keeping me together anymore. Or maybe I'm already in pieces. I'm just too numb to notice or feel those shards beneath my bloody sole. Or maybe it's thanks to him... and Him. My sole sources of support, at the moment.

The heart pains, but what can I do? Bite the bullet and take it in, I suppose.

I can't be distracted by emotions right now. It'll compromise everything.

I need to focus and regroup my thoughts.

My main objective should be her safety. At her current state, there needs to be someone from our side to keep them from her... to an extent. Or at least from the threat of inflicting any harm or getting information out of her or regarding her condition. The less they know, the better. For the safety of both her and our side.

Next, should be to ensure the sweep of the apt was fully completed and nothing of importance was left there. (debrief with the two about their findings/recon and double-check all items of importance: extra set of keys in [location])

Then, it should be maintaining the household and ensuring the physical and emotional health of the two entities. I need to keep all general operations running normally to keep everything going, with a few exceptions (in my personal agenda).

Preparation for the upcoming semester should be next though that shouldn't pose much of a problem at the moment. Everything is set up accordingly. I just need to plan out an exit strategy to Delta Charlie.

General task: Pick up her mail from apt on [days]. Remember to inquire for key. (Do a sweep for the keys on a chosen day. Be on the look out for them or him- though his excursions are at random intervals)

Lastly, secure her assets and protect the two entities. Plan out a proper strategy- attack and counter-attack. No one is to be trusted unless proven otherwise. (psychological warfare is a possibility w/ them as they're capable of anything atm. Unsure about how they move. recon via observation only. analysis w/ the two per each visit/encounter w/ them/him) [only if the situation worsens]

{Carry out his promise until the very end}

H.o.p.e

logistics.

Are you just feeding me false hope? I'm used to this already... I know you too well, Life.

I'm prepared this time.

owasarete.

It's just so damn frustrating. It could have been prevented, damnit. Damnit it all to hell.

If it's a soul you want, fucking take mine instead. It's a fair trade.

End me instead. Spare her. Just end me. End it all. I'm not worthy of this life.

Spare her. Spare her.

Destroy me instead. Crush me. It would be doing the rest a favor... I am much too tainted. A failure. A fucking failure. I broke his promise. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't fucking protect her. damnit.damnit.damnit.

Take me instead... just... do it.

beseech.

God, help her. Grant her the strength to fight and survive.

God, help me... help this family, as loose as we are. Grant us the strength to endure this trial.

Help us sinners...

In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit... Amen.

divinity.

Alack, I feel quite the fool... in  my attempts to act the opposite.

To live, to err... what's the point in continuing this carefully orchestrated play one calls "life"?

Our fates are the same in the end.

fortnight.

It's so easy to slip into that demon's snare again. How could I not? A place that I have always sought solace and comfort in... it was painful, but it was one made bearable by my masochistic mind.

Solace. Painfully bittersweet against my numbed tongue.

guessed.

I... really don't know who to trust anymore.

The words that escape from her lips. I can no longer discern from truth or deceit.

Though what I can place my trust in is the fact that the fault somehow lies within me. Somehow...

That's always the case.

memento mori.

Save me from my mind. For that will be the death of me.

That or drive me into insanity... swallowed by my own consciousness.

With every droplet of  thought, I sink deeper into the unending abyss that will serve as my last.

The vessel still breathes, yet the soul ceases to reverberate within.

Empty. Hollow.

With every word trying to wake it from its perpetual slumber rattling the void, shaking up the dust of what was and spilling to the ground ashes of what used to be.

Leave the vessel. Leave the soul.

Please just save me. Or at least the remnant of who I am...

~~
Is this poetry? Or is this but a "literal" representation of what the soul has to say. (Do pardon the double entendre) Though, I suppose that is what poetry is. Words that come undiluted from the heart and soul. Straight onto a blank void and into the hearts of others. I suppose this is how souls communicate amongst each other. Our consciousness have our spoken technical words. Our souls have art, that of which mostly do not rely on words. Save for the unfortunate writers, bound to the confines of words and grammar (to an extent). Though through that limitation, we are freeing ourselves. To be able to express fully the essence of the crux of humanity, while chained to those earthly manifestations...  it's there that one is truly free. The ultimate form of freedom.

into everything.

For a while I thought I finally found myself. Foolishly, I've poured all my time and effort into understanding that part of me.

Yet, that isn't me. That was just a faint imprint of who I was.

I knew it couldn't be that simple.

Though I must wonder.... what would be merited from rescuing myself from the snares of being lost? What if that brings upon more pain than actual relief?

What if who I am doesn't want to know?

Broken glass should never be touched without the proper precautions. A gloved hand to caress those jagged edges.

I must find myself through another. An extension of myself.

Shattered pieces... so sharp and so untouchable. 
They're best left in the bin. Forgotten and void of any hope of being repaired.

Wounds heal, but they leave scars. Memories...

plunge.

With each day... the animosity for myself grows greater.

What the hell am I doing?

I've lost it this time. Damnit. Damnit it all.

edge.

It's a damned double-edged sword...

adieu?

Do I give up too easily?

But I don't even have the experience to set that parameters of what to expect...

その感じ。

悔しくても、生きてる。それで、死ぬまでに君の笑顔を守るよ。　だから、君の傍にいさせて下さい。ずっと。

甘い。。。私が甘くなちゃった。けれど、それは悪いじゃん？

あふれた。

また日本語を使ってすいません！ｍ（－＿－）ｍ　もっともっと練習したいから。

ちょっと諦めたい。すべて。

悔しすぎるの。その恋は。

もう感じれない。


ですが、さよならは言えない。声が出せない。多分、心が言いたくないかなぁ～

知り合い。

今日のエントリーは日本語でタイプする～　超長い時間日本語は使わなかったし、ちゃんと練習をしなきゃだめだし。

さぁ～最近ライフは本当に大変だった。しかし、今もそうな感じてるだと思うんだけどう。。。ハァァ～どうすればいいかしら。考えるのが止めれるといいんだ。いつも考えすぎるし。いつか。

ですが、

その望みが適えれば。。。どうかな？

いよいよ幸せになれるか？　へっ～人生は簡単じゃないので、そうだと思わない。

ついに本当の微笑みができるのか？いや、それはもう昔忘れてしまった。

じゃぁ、どうかな？

知りたいの。誰か教えてくれない？もし答えをみつけたら、考え過ぎないはずかもしれない。:\

to the edge.

Everything I do seems to be motivated by the desire for atonement and nothing more.

Is this selfishness? Or but detachment?

whisper.

Thinking about the past scares me sometimes, but not because the events were so terrifying. Rather, it's because they're just so unbelievable...

I've lived through them and yet, I still find it so difficult to believe that they actually happened to me or that they occurred in general. Hence, I've just given up on talking to people about it.

It's just too hard to fathom.

It's better to just let the past bury the past... and let the scars disappear.

quaint.

I need to have more faith in people...

though I probably need to be able to entrust myself with faith before I'm able to do that. Perhaps.

break.

Why do I become so anxious when too many good things happen? or when I'm just happy... in general.

Rather than enjoying the moment, I'm stuck worrying and trying to anticipate how balance will sweep in and take back its fair share.

Am I cursed to feel miserable until my end?

Why does happiness bring so much guilt upon my shoulders? Though I do wonder... do I deserve all this joy? Somehow, there's always something telling me that I don't deserve it and instead I should be subjected to eating nothing but sorrow and pain as a way to atone for my sins and my past.

I just feel so unclean. So unworthy... of everything. They're all just too good for me, my dirtied hands, to touch. Too pure. I do not wish to defile their genuine smile and laughter with that of my tainted ones.

But that's just my self-destructive way of thinking. One that I need to save myself from. Somehow.

satisfy.

I finally understand why I don't or can't full place myself into anything. In other words, my inability to be passionate or fully take something seriously.

If I take something seriously, then that means I care about it or at least it's important enough to enter my stream of consciousness. And if I care about something, then I have placed a part of myself into it. So, if anything were to happen to my object of concern, then it would result in pain.

Once again, we return to pain. It always stems from my fear of getting hurt.

I don't care because I don't want to inflict any more wounds upon my soul.

But I can't go through life like that. It's already killing me, slowly. I've lost the ability to enjoy anything. All I care about is just completing the task or objective in question. And through that process, I'm hurting those around me.

Everything I do is an empty gesture. It's simply what I have to do. Societal expectations. I smile because my established persona dictates that I have to, in order to appear "friendly" and "approachable." I laugh because it would be strange not to do so when encountered with something comical. All these things I do... I'm but following the script written by society. To blend in and move unnoticed.

Life is like one large, perpetual play. And, at the same time, it's like some high-profile covert operation: Recite your lines right, make the right moves, and you just might make it through another day. But don't stand out, don't do anything outlandish,. Your objective is to blend in and assimilate into the local milieu. That way you'll be normal and not run the risk of being ostracized.

But I digress...

I need to come to terms with the fact that I don't need to be like that anymore. I understand that back then... back there, I needed to devoid myself of any form of attachment to survive each day. But I had vengeance to hold on to. Now I don't.

That hunger for vendetta has been extinguished. Though, unfortunately, the demon... the shell that once contained that desire remains. It has simply just lost its source of sustenance... and now it's feeding on my soul. The very essence of my existence. All in an attempt to sate its eternal hunger. At least until the fates decide that I've drank enough from the cup of life and pry it from my hands, already taken by rigor mortis.

I need to loosen up... somehow. Taste life for what it has to offer, rather than figure out what I have to offer life. Or at least find a balance between the two. Smile because I want to. Laugh because it's actually funny. I want to be real.

.... but then again, what is real? Oh, such is life! That's why we live~ to figure out all these things.

trompe l'oeil.

Well that twelve day ordeal is finally over... at least on the surface. It left behind many loose ends and equally many unanswered questions. Waiting on the debrief as of now. I am only one perspective... I need another view or two of this. So far, that tactic has helped me out of many tight spots throughout this.

Though there are some things that I need to ponder myself.

Why did the entity entrust me with that? Granted that there are two separate entities.

If it is one single entity, then why do this? Why go through all the trouble of setting up this elaborate and frighteningly meticulous ordeal? Is it for amusement? To get my attention? But why? I am nothing much a mere speck in that entity's eyes.

I have done nothing to offend. I have done nothing that compromises our trust. I was just a correspondence... an acquaintance, perhaps. Though... that's only my view of our connection. That entity may think otherwise... and in a way, if it were so, I am humbled by that.Yet, in this case, I need to retain a neutral mindset.

Perhaps more will be revealed when the master of the marionette responds to me.

introspection.

Turns out... I have some serious trust issues I need to figure out.

... well that's what I get for repressing things.

lost.redemption.

Tell me how to feel. Tell me how to act... because I'm so tired of screwing things up.


Or at least, allow me to make it up to you. Somehow.

re-education.

There's so much that I need to learn and unlearn.

Teach me how to trust again...

Teach me how to forget that unending fear of being used... again.

remonstrance.

I wish there was a book of instructions somewhere for this. I really don't know what to do or how to act. Everything I do seems wrong. Though, I suppose it's through these mistakes that I finally figure out what I'm supposed to do and through that process, write my own instructions.

But... I just don't want to make you suffer because of my ignorance. I don't want you to be a learning tool. I just want what's for the best...

and I seem to be failing miserably at the moment.

indulgence.

It's such a selfish emotion... but, at the same time, I'm sort of addicted.

quid agis?

I wonder if it's worth all this pain?

Is this supposed to hurt this much in the first place?

Maybe I'm just over-thinking. Over-analyzing.

I just wanted a shoulder to lean on... not fight a battle. Yet, somehow, I've involved myself in this one-sided fight with a soul that's unaware. And I seem to be losing. Unknowingly, I've been hit in all the vital places and... it really seems impossible to get up now.

As hope bleeds out, as my spirit succumbs into a state of shattered pieces, as my voice weakens...
The world's closing in. My line of sight, slowly fading.

The candle flickers, as the wind caresses it with her touch.

I need you... Sammy.

minute moment.

I'm walking on a tight-rope, with everything hanging in the balance. One mistake could send me to my end. I wish I had more assurance or confirmation about this. I feel so out of it. One day it would be all blue skies and roses, while the next is filled with nothing but torrents of icy cold rain.

I'm tired of this twisted guessing game. Either cut the rope and let this reality die or let me finish crossing it.

Though maybe it's just my fate.

The feeling of life torturing me into madness... how many more liters of tears do I need to shed in order to chase it down?

quoth she.

Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is even right. Am I even worthy of this?

cessation of breathing.

It feels as if I'm doing everything wrong. I don't know what to say, how to act, or even how to respond. Hell, I don't even know what this feeling is.

I'm grateful for this experience... yet at the same time I've never been so afraid in my life. For once, I needed to relinquish the core of what I was to everyone, stripping down to the crux of my own existence-- what, no, who I really am. My facade. The thing that had been protecting me from everyone, from pain.

For the first time in my life, I am voluntarily vulnerable. I am free of that shell that made who I was... that bequeathed me the ability to stand against and bear those five damned years of torture and ridicule. It gave me the strength to go on, to keep fighting, instilling an undying desire for vengeance and feeding my soul nothing but the bitterness of spite. It allowed me to exist to survive. It pushed me to live on, pounding the mantra that I would one day have my sweet revenge if I held on for another day into me.

With the years, that mask grew heavier and heavier, eventually it became too much to bear. Yet, I kept it. Up until now... because it is no longer possible to hold what I was and this current reality at the same time.

In order for this to work... I need to be myself. The one that I have ignored for the most part of my life. The stranger within me.

Perhaps that's why it's so scary. I'm forced to look at who I truly am...

It's a sickening feeling, though... or maybe I just need to adjust to this new freedom. Similar to the escaped prisoner in Plato's Cave... I too need to go through this pain in order to get used to this new reality. Yet, I keep fighting with myself. What I was with who I'm becoming.

Slowly... I'm turning into someone that I've always feared of becoming. Weak.

But is this vulnerability a weakness? Perhaps this is a strength. To be vulnerable and still be able to exist in this cruel world.

I don't know... should I remain on this path?

This was but a dream. A twisted twisted reason for me to continue. But... this dream has found its place in reality. I've lost that carrot in front of me, for it's already in my grasp and now I can no longer move forward.

In return, though, I have you to push me forward instead...

I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to run anymore. I can simply live.

It's no longer about surviving.

I wonder though...

Is it really alright to walk beside you?

Is it possible to trust you?

walking up to fall down.

Here I stand at the edge, between two extremes:

Reality and Dream.
Past and Future.
Love and Fight.

Whichever step I take... it'll just be the same. I'll still end up hating myself for that choice for I exist between the two. I can't exist in reality nor in a dreamworld. I can't return to the past nor can I make that leap toward the future. I can't succumb to love nor can I inflict harm upon any soul.

Somehow, I suppose, I must learn to live with both. To stay grounded in what's real and still be able to dream, for dreams are the blueprints of reality. To use the past as the path toward the future, as different as they are, they still lead to each other. To fight for the ones I love, though I am not nearly strong enough.

When will I take the step to destroy the veil that retains my neutrality?

Preservere.

214 may be over. But I'm still alive... so I think I'll continue with this blog. At least this will keep me questioning life and myself as well.

field of dreams.

(Image source: my dA) Dreams are something I am quite fascinated with, though sadly they are something I seldom remember. Yet, there are the occasional ones that really stick with me. Ones that I can't forget, despite the many years that has passed. This one in particular struck me and has remained in my memory ever since it was born unto my unconscious. It was conceived during which I was just overwhelmed by stress and to the point of giving up.

It begins with me sitting on the ground, knees drawn to my chest, my back propped against a amber-colored casket, in a dim candle-lit funeral parlor. My face was buried in my knees as I wept. It appears that my father had passed away in this dream. Beside me was a ceramic dish with burning pieces of paper filled with writing. After a while, a shadow fell on me. Noticing it, I drew up head up to meet the caster of it. I was greeted by the seemingly friendly face of a man. He then offered me his hand and told me, "Come. I'll show you the world." Reluctantly, I took his hand. All of a sudden, a pair of black-colored wings sprouted from his back. Without thinking, I climbed onto his back and he took flight. The parlor disappeared and was replaced with snow-capped mountains and pine trees. After a while, the snowy paradise was absorbed into the eternal darkness of outer space, where my gaze was met with a breathtaking view of earth. He turned to look at me... and then I was ripped from slumber by the alarm clock.

It's been three years and I still can remember this dream, for some reason. A reason that I hope to find out eventually.

heav'n of a hell

What did I do wrong? I tried my best and yet...

" * WEll when u get this Im surely wold be gone and if you know who this is and i hopefuly i know who this is as well >_< GOOD day! uh.... yeah see you.... i just wish i was a bit stronger.... but im weak yeah know that. i try to be stronger for you ...but it always failed when i try my best So I give up and i wish i wish i can end this pain that always hurts me and kills me so i so i wish u luck..... Why dose it hurt ? where dose it hurt? Why.................. well i dont really understand much about life.... or want to understand now.... I wrote this for you but it would mean nothing to you... --->Her<--- Her black flowing hair glides down her back. Her smile, lights my world, those eyes of hers make me feel important. Hearing her voice gives my heart energy, the energy to love and to be happy. Her tender lips so soft, gentle to the touch of our passionate kiss. The way she moves so elegant and so agile. Just being with her makes my heart race, ba dum, ba dum. Her beauty is unlike anyone else, nothing can be compared to how gorgeous she is. My love for her is everlasting, flowing out of me like a river. .......................................... .............................. -----Em0dkid.... .......................................... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Oh yeah i keep this ... and i read it every single day.... "Well, since you are off to the land of dreams, I bid you farewell and good night. Hold tight to your dreams, for they are precious....for it is they that kindle your will to live and fight on. Life may seem cruel at times and you are left with the desire to just give it all up...I understand completely. When life took away my brother...uncle...stepgrandfather.....I wanted to die just as much. " * "But I never did, I just gave myself reasons to go on...and you can do that too. But there are times when reasons are not enough...and you succumb to your demons and let them consume you...I too have experienced that, when life diagnosed my father with glaucoma, my grandmother with parkinsons and alzheimers and myself with stuff..that doesn't matter.. But I still fought on...because I thought to myself; If I have already lost myself..and am rendered this empty vessel... why not just dedicate myself to others. If I am unable to live for myself.' ask not how you may help yourself... rather ask how you may help others-that was my mantra. that kept me from committing the worst sin of all. I have seen some ugly things in my life, yes, I admit it. Rather looking depressed and wallow in my sorrow. I choose to hide away that part of me and wear a mask of happiness... So other people won't have to suffer because of my emotions...that way I could also lie to myself. I could pretend to live this happy life-unscathed by the past...and I still do wear this mask and live this fake existience. not for myself, but for others. " * "Emotions tend to get in the way of everything...somehow and I have, alas, managed to hide them away. I smile and laugh-yet they are fake...I do not laugh on the inside nor smile. I smile and laugh to please others...to look normal. to be accepted by society. " * "I, of course, am not asking you to rid yourself of your emotions and live an empty existience without feeling or anything. that was my mistake..and I do not wish for you to repeat that. All I ask of you is to try to look at things differently. look at everything negative thing that has happened to you as a chance to use that experience to help others. and also as an opportunity for you to learn..." * "To learn about the flaws of society and ultimately, the flaws of us humans...in hopes that you may learn to forgive us and join us...once more. Because I want you to Live...not exist. I want you to live for what life itself has to offer... because you are human, you have a soul..and you have a heart. All that needs to be nourish and cherished by yourself and society." * "I might come off as a bitch sometimes..but that....is because I am still learning how to deliver my message without breaking people, when i was taught all my life that in order to reprogram-or fix, as I find that term friendlier-that you must break that person first. You must break his or her will...break everything so that they do not fight back. So I can just give them what I want them to know and they will follow obligingly. but that was wrong, as i have learned many times. I have made the same mistake with Ken, also...he wasn't what he is today. he used to be like you in a way. Ken was the person that you reminded me of... the way both of your greet me and the way you respond to what i have to say...and even the way you say good bye and good night..... it was the exact same." * "So naturally.......I went back to my old ways with you and tried to break you. Yet I cannot, since...you were already broken. I tried to force information on you. that failed too. but I didn't give up...and i still won't. because this is keeping me alive...this is pushing me to go on. Because I hold the hope in my heart, that if I am able to help you..I will be able to help myself, at last.. and maybe then I may be able to have my emotions back. but most importantly, I don't want to lose you. i have already two friends and one step uncle deployed to the crazy war in iraq and I really don't want to lose any more people.....so therefore, i will not give up on you. no matter how diffifult....Ken won't either since well, we're all in this together...in a way...since we are similar." * "well, i am tired and my painkiller is wearing off so i have to take another..i really do hope that you will read this. and that my words are not just words to you....i want you to understand....i don't want you to just listen. i really want you to know it, live it...and acknowledge it. please, i ask only of this...just read what i have to say." * "i don't know what else or how else i can help you...i really do feel pathetic and powerless because i am unable to ease and destroy that pain that burdens you. how else may i help others...if i cannot help you? it would be impossible...." * "well, good night. please read what i have to say. all of this comes from my heart and nowhere else. if you do not listen to what i have to say..then listen to what my heart has to say..." -Hannah L. and... also this aswelll ............. "Sometimes words itself are useless. That's why songs were invented... You've no idea how much I wanted to help you. How many hours spent pondering the problems and solutions, I have forgotten. How much pain did I have to eat again, just to be able to tap into that darkness in hopes that I would gain more of that knowledge. For, one must learn to suffer and have suffered in order to attain that.... knowledge." * "So instead of killing us both. I withdraw, not to save myself...but rather you. I want to spare you of this unnecessary pain. Because I know the both of us are suffering because of this. So, I withdraw. This does not mean that I am giving up on you. This painful decision was made to help you." * "You are a man of potential. You are capable of many things. If, you allow yourself to. You could be so happy. If only you'd learn to let go of the past. I have walked your shoes. I had five years of daily torture..be it physical or mental. But, I didn't let that get me down. I laugh at it and I move on. Never let the past get to you." * "The past is just the past. It exists to counter-balance the existience of the present. Don't let it affect you. Don't let the past influence your judgements. The past is just a memory. Memories...use them to give you strength...not for hatred nor excuses to have vengence." * "I wish for you to march forward and not look back. Why look back, if it brings so much pain? If something is hurting, then fix it. Don't suffer. It's a choice. We choose to suffer. We choose to be happy. We are never forced to feel a certain way, unless we will it." * "That was all that I wanted to teach you. That you always have a choice, no matter what. That there are options. There are ALWAYS options, no matter what. Even if the situation seems bleak. There is always light ahead. Because, without light there would be no darkness. " * "There is always a balance. I only hope that someday, you will learn to understand this. Someday...perhaps you will understand what I have countlessly tried to impart to you. I shall wait for that day. I won't give up. I believe that, we met at the wrong time...we were supposed to meet at a later time. I think, it would have been better if we had met after you had found that was capable of healing those wounds. Who would "mend the broken heart" and perhaps "break the curse". I am just a guide. I am not capable of physically pushing a person towards the right path. Nor am I capable of directly telling a person what to do. Nor "heal" a person. I am just a guide." * "I lead and gently prod a person towards the direction that I would think right for that person, concluding from the information I have from the person, the current situation, what the person's background is, and from my psychoanalysis of the person. That is all that I am capable of. I cannot "heal" unlike some who are experts at that field." * "I give you the truth and nothing but the truth. We will meet again, someday...the day that you shall require the guide. But for now..I believe you should go onward to search for that person who can "heal" you and "fix" you.. so that you may be ready for your journey. So that I can be your guide for that journey." * "I I wish you luck. I hope you shall find your Healer...I too have to find that person. So we are, in a way, on the same path...but we are ranked differently with different tasks assigned. We've the same destination, but we are taking different paths. So I wish you luck, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto of the city hidden in the mist, by the bay. I wish you all and only the best. Good luck. God bless. " * "Safe journey...see you again. Here is everything in a nutshell: " - - - - - - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - --- - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - ------------------------------->-Hannah L.
*

"My Chemical Romance - Helena"
(Youtube link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM1dKUgjXzU&feature=related)
*

Long ago
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you
*

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
*

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
*

Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
*

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
*

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?
*

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
*


*


"Sixx:AM - Life is Beautiful"
(Youtube link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sFcVWTlxqI&feature=related)

*

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie
*

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trailer park to find your way back home
*

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
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Well i try i try ..........
good bye...
see you on the other side....
or the world i guess....
death.....
or ...........
what i see.....
is just another war....
oh wellz.......
see you soon....
Or i hope.....
You have help me a lot...
Dont let me rot .........

...................
............................
....................
....................
................
.............................
.............
-------Em0dkid....

Just dont....know anymore..... should i make a call before i go........"

He sends me shit like this. I can't help him. I fucking failed.