#1

Dear--,

I've realized something today...

I hate you.

I hope you'll realize that.

Do you know how much pain you've put me through? This torture itself is enough to drive anyone insane and to the point of taking their lives!

I don't know why I'm still standing. I don't understand.

But what I do know is that I fucking hate you. I fucking hate your guts. You're a mothefucking jerk. I hate everything about you.

I can say this a million times and, yet... and yet you'll never realize that.

With all my heart I hate you. You're a fucking asshole, you know that?

You've pulled me through so much shit it's not even laughable. All these emotional ups and downs... you served as the catalyst to them.

I hate you so much...

Yet, I'm still standing by your side. I'll still fight for your happiness. I'll still protect that smile on your face. I'll still be there for you.

Why?

...because regardless of how much I hate you, I've learned to love you.

So long as there's hatred in my heart for you, beside it, there will be love for you.

In the end, I guess... I'm the one to hate. I should just hate myself instead.

I care about you so much, yet you fail to realize that. I just feel so used... I'd give up our friendship to transcend that to something else... I'd risk it. I'd risk it all for that. What's life without its risks?

I am willing to put our friendship on the line to become something more.

Because I'm selfish like that.

Just once, I'd like a taste of that happiness... just once I'd like to have a person that I can share a bit of life with. My joys and my sorrows... someone I can remove my masks for.

I don't care if it doesn't work out in the end.. at least we'd have tried.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I don't want to feel like this... but I am. I can't deny them.

I wish you'd step out of my consciousness.


I just wish...

I wish... that you could read this and understand what I really feel. You know how I feel towards you already. You know that I do like you... but you don't know what I think, what goes through my mind every time you do those things to me.

I feel like such a fool for thinking like this. For succumbing to shit like this for one single person. For you...

I hate myself for liking you too much.
I should've distanced myself when I had the chance, but now it's too late. I've fallen for you and it hurts like a bitch every time I talk to you. I wish I can stop this pain, but I can't.

I've never met anyone like you before... you stand out among the rest. I wish you'd fall back and blend in, but that won't happen. So I'm stuck in this self-created madness.

Damnit. I've liked, I've thought I loved... but this is different, it feels much more real.

-ht.

PS. I know everything'll remain the same between us because these words will never grace your eyes. I'll drink until I'm numb and don these painful masks... so I can smile for you. ^_^