cessation of breathing.

It feels as if I'm doing everything wrong. I don't know what to say, how to act, or even how to respond. Hell, I don't even know what this feeling is.

I'm grateful for this experience... yet at the same time I've never been so afraid in my life. For once, I needed to relinquish the core of what I was to everyone, stripping down to the crux of my own existence-- what, no, who I really am. My facade. The thing that had been protecting me from everyone, from pain.

For the first time in my life, I am voluntarily vulnerable. I am free of that shell that made who I was... that bequeathed me the ability to stand against and bear those five damned years of torture and ridicule. It gave me the strength to go on, to keep fighting, instilling an undying desire for vengeance and feeding my soul nothing but the bitterness of spite. It allowed me to exist to survive. It pushed me to live on, pounding the mantra that I would one day have my sweet revenge if I held on for another day into me.

With the years, that mask grew heavier and heavier, eventually it became too much to bear. Yet, I kept it. Up until now... because it is no longer possible to hold what I was and this current reality at the same time.

In order for this to work... I need to be myself. The one that I have ignored for the most part of my life. The stranger within me.

Perhaps that's why it's so scary. I'm forced to look at who I truly am...

It's a sickening feeling, though... or maybe I just need to adjust to this new freedom. Similar to the escaped prisoner in Plato's Cave... I too need to go through this pain in order to get used to this new reality. Yet, I keep fighting with myself. What I was with who I'm becoming.

Slowly... I'm turning into someone that I've always feared of becoming. Weak.

But is this vulnerability a weakness? Perhaps this is a strength. To be vulnerable and still be able to exist in this cruel world.

I don't know... should I remain on this path?

This was but a dream. A twisted twisted reason for me to continue. But... this dream has found its place in reality. I've lost that carrot in front of me, for it's already in my grasp and now I can no longer move forward.

In return, though, I have you to push me forward instead...

I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to run anymore. I can simply live.

It's no longer about surviving.

I wonder though...

Is it really alright to walk beside you?

Is it possible to trust you?