reflection.

A friend asked me a simple question today:

Do you still go to church?

I didn't really think much of it at the moment. It's been a while since I've attended Mass and I know I really should. But... it also brought me back to the time when my grandma was fighting for her life in the ICU... and finally her surrender to that heavenly slumber. That period of time really impacted my views toward what I believed. It was after she passed that I sort of lost hope and distanced myself from God. I felt betrayed.

His sudden, yet temporary withdrawal from me was... unexpected. I was left wondering what the fuck I did wrong for weeks. I still don't know why he did what he did. And it still hurts like a bitch.

Then my ex had to come back into my life and give me hell for a few months. I've even had to give up my place at the dojo, my second home, along with my love, lion dancing.

I was angry. Angry at him, angry at the indifference of my parents to what I was going through, and I was angry at God. Why did He have to tear away the two people that mattered most in my life... at the same time?

I'm pretty sure I would have killed myself... if it weren't for the support from my wonderful friends. But, even with them... I was too blinded by the pain of the situation and I had a relapse with my great struggle: cutting. I started doing that again, but this time more discreetly. I've cut my arms and was found out, I've cut my thighs and was found out as well. But this time, I cut my back. It was my little secret. My private release, unbeknownst to anyone else. And for a while, I was happy. I was happy to know that I was human... the pain was irrelevant to me. It was the blood... feeling those warm crimson droplets roll down my back. I was still alive, even though I felt dead. And I was glad. Though, thankfully that only lasted for two weeks. I've realized that I've reached my lowest point and I had to do something before I really did destroy myself. There were people that depended on me. I couldn't give up.

Yet, the feeling of betrayal was strong. I was forced to fight all of this at once... like being dropped into a war zone without any weapons, not even a damned plate carrier or ballistic vest! It really felt as if my soul was literally being ripped out from me. There were so many questions... so many things I wanted an explanation to.

So I stopped praying, stopped reading the Bible all together. I still haven't done either, even now.

I just don't know who or what to turn to anymore.

It feels like I have no one but myself... because everyone else will just end up hurting me.

Yet... despite all of this madness, everything is slowly coming back together.

I'm slowly accepting her death and the legal issues are slowly being settled between my side and the step-family. She really trained me well... I wouldn't know half the things I know.. or be as strong and as resilient as I am today if my parents took care of me in my childhood and not her. Thank you for that. I am forever in debt to you. It was hell, but it was worth it. I never realized how much you cared and loved me until now... but it's too late to thank you in person.

I've also finally resolved my issue with the ex, even though he's still trying to re-establish our relationship. But.. at least he's stopped calling me every night at two in the morning. I can finally sleep.

Plus, finals are over. So I don't have to fret over those things again.

I've learned and grown a lot from this experience. This fucking hellish experience...

but... before I can appreciate and realize what I've learned...

I need to heal. I'm beyond broken right now. My heart is still a mess and trying to mend itself. I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

All I want right now is to spend some time to recover... and reprioritize.

If I didn't live in such a dangerous neighborhood, I'd just head to the beach and catch the sun set... then stargaze.

But ultimately, I just want some time to reflect... in a place untainted by memories. Or maybe just a shoulder to lean on... but that would be too much of a burden.

Oh well, I'll make do with what I have. I'll recover. Somehow.