#17

Dear--,

It's been quite a long time since I've written my first letter to you. I've learned a lot about myself and the process of liking someone... and the loving them throughout these weeks.

It's been a hellish journey and it still is.

I only hope in my heart that perhaps... one day you'll stumble upon this and read these very words. The pain and anguish that you've put me through. And finally understand just how much I've had to go through in order to retain my feelings for you in spite of all the shit you've given me, unknowingly.

I have to force myself to deny these feelings and at the same time keep them for you. All in order to be able to talk to you every single day without breaking. Because some things you say... work as blades to not only my heart, but to the very essence of my existence: my soul.

I don't even understand this myself... I don't understand why I like you so much or why I give a damn about the things you say to me. Every word from you is carefully analyzed and processed into my already deeply analytical Lit major mind. I understand that you don't think much of what you say... but everything and anything that comes from you means a lot to me because you mean a lot to me.

It hurts me so much that I can't tell you these words myself, but that's partially your fault... as much as I don't want to admit. I keep calling you a jerk for a reason... and that's because you keep toying with me. There are times when you make it seem as if you return these feelings and there are also times when it seems as if you could care less about me. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel... because I don't know which truth to believe. I know which one I want to believe... but I'm scared to do so because, if I chose incorrectly, my heart and myself... would be shattered. This is the only way I can protect myself from any more pain from you.

I'm tired of being put through this roller coaster of emotions. I just want a straight answer. I can't keep living my every day like this... it's too much for me. My mind is already strained with my other charges. This battle with my family that I have to fight. I'm already torn by that... I don't want to be stretched even further with you. I'm already going beyond my limits, dipping into my reserves.

Let me know... so I can finally stop these tears at night. So I can sleep with a smile instead. My pillow tires of drinking these seemingly endless droplets of salt.

I've never let someone bring me down this hard before. I've faced many people who have tried to destroy me out of hatred... and I've survived each encounter, unscathed mostly. But you... you kill me out of affection. The very thing that was supposed to give me strength... has become my cyanide. The sweetness of love and companionship, turned bitter.

Damnit... just this once. I'd like to smile and laugh without having to fake it. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to be real. I'm not asking you to fix me or anything. My only salvation comes from within, that much I understand.

But... the luxury of being able to live life... knowing at least one person in this cruel world loves you... after being deceived and betrayed by even family for so long. Even hated. I've had to create this persona of a heartless, emotionless, strong, no-nonsense person to get through this life. Just this once, I'd like to know that there's one person I can trust... that I can place my true self with and can rest assured that they won't destroy it. Someone I could rely on. Someone that wanted me... that I was useful to that person. That I was able to make them happy. Because I fail at making people happy. I've tried so hard... through my humor and everything. But in the end... I still disappoint. I still can never please anyone with myself. I don't want to pity myself... this isn't self-pity. This is the truth. I can't make anyone happy...

Maybe in another life. I'll have that joy... but for now I'll live the life Fate dealt me to the best of my abilities. I refuse to give up because I have so much more to live for. My life will never be in vain if I manage to make a positive impact on even just one person in my life. I'd die in bliss knowing I've achieved that.

While I live... let me live!




Yours, like always,
ht