clear.

I've finally received my long-sought answer. My mind can finally rest, but my heart cannot.

Aah, I'm tired of living like this. I'd very much like to break from this world of pain...

I'm so sick of short-lived happiness... it feels as if the world is taunting me, giving me a taste and then quickly relinquishing it. I don't want to be toyed with anymore. But... reality dictates otherwise.

Haha, I'm exhausted. So exhausted of giving myself excuses to go on, telling myself things'll be better that perhaps I shan't have to fight alone. But that's the stark reality...

I entered this Hell alone, I'm going through it alone, so it's only logical that I leave it alone.

That's how it is, but I don't want that. No matter how hard I try to brush that desire off, it still remains deep within my dying heart. As much as I don't want to admit it, as much as I want to deny it... I'm scared of being alone. I grow weary of losing the ones I care about... even this right now is just insane. Absurd even. I'm still trying to fathom how this is happening to me. I'd like to say that it was unfair, but life's unfair. That's a fact. I'm a living breathing testament to that.

You've taken everything away from me, Life. Along with my will to live. The only thing keeping me going is my promise to her, that I'd protect him always. So long as he's still alive, I too must live. I feel like that's the only catalyst for my actions. To protect. Everything I do is for the well-being of everyone. I don't want to think that it's not worth it, but I do.

I want to live for myself. I want to live for happiness that is my own... but I don't know how. As long as this guilt shares its existence with my soul, I cannot break free from this. Everything that is in my own interest will be branded as selfish and shouldn't even cross my consciousness.

I really need someone to help me... but I don't want to risk sounding like a depressed mess. Though, in truth, that's exactly what I am right now. Two years before, I've lost someone that truly cared about me. One year before, I lost my one and only confidant... and this year, I've lost my mentor in life and to add to that, I've lost someone I can fully put myself into. The family's a mess now. The father is spiraling down a path of depression. The mother, she has her own family to deal with.

I don't know how I can pull myself together anymore. I've lost everything. Everyone... I'm scared... scared to ask for help. Scared to admit that I'm broken.

I've reached my limit, my breaking point. This is it. I can't bear anymore than this. If this be Hell, then let pain be my sustenance. 

But, I know I can't give up. I'll fight for this happiness... even if I lose, it won't be in vain. Maybe in my next life... things will be different. I'll fight this battle for now... as this heart of mine dies with each step, with each blow.

Yet for now, I need to just... break down. That's the only way I can build myself back up.

Grant me hope. Grant me strength. Grant me happiness. Let me be free.

Never again, do I want to live only in fear of the end... only in fear of short-lived joys.

I thought this was it, but I was wrong... and now I must face the consequences for opening myself once more.

I'd beg for death, but even I do not deserve the good graces of the end. Am I forever cursed to lead this life of pain?

Though, ultimately, my one and only wish is for someone to find me. To see through my happy facade and tell me that no, I'm lying... that I'm really not okay. But to not worry, because they're there and that even though my world is falling apart, they'll try to keep it together, little by little. Yet, their mere existence itself is more than enough to stop my world from being further destroyed. To just know that someone cares, is more than enough to fill my heart to the brim with hope. It's tough to have been hated all my life... to have your whole class use you as the scapegoat for everything. I'd be the first person they made fun of... laughed at, spat at... and many more atrocities. But I lived on... I survived that hell, all five.damn.years. I did it all alone and fell in the process. I succumbed to self-mutilation. I learned to love pain... I became a masochist to survive. If my entirety was composed of nothing but physical and mental attacks, I might as well learn to love it.

I escaped and I survived... but not unscathed. I'll always be insecure. I'll always be ugly in my eyes... I'll never be worth anything. I'll never be good enough. I'll always doubt myself. Such is my life... yet I hide it so well. I play those imperfections as modesty, as shyness. When I brush off a compliment, I truly do... and believe it to be a lie and nothing more. Something to please the ears so to win my favor.

I just want someone to find me. Please... hurry. Save me from this... hear my wordless plea. Look into my eyes, past my deceitful smile... my eyes can only speak the truth, for they are the windows to my soul and my soul can never lie. I can only smile for so long before my mask breaks and I can pretend no longer. Read between my lines and realize my plight. Listen to the pauses between my words, hear my silent cries, my wails. See my invisible tears. See what my scars have to say... all over my arms and legs. If you gaze long enough, they'll spell out my true feelings, my ulterior motives, my constant battles with myself.

Find me. Expose the dirty liar that I am... as that's all I really am. A liar, cursed to speak untruths for eternity. All in the name of survival.

Because if I say that I'm depressed or under the weather, they'll just brush my words of, saying that it was but a pathetic plea for attention and nothing more. In a way, yes. It is a plea for attention... because I'm hanging on for dear life. I need to call for attention so someone can pull me up again. 

Haha, though the truth is I'll have to save myself. I'll have to slay my own demons... no one will ever give a damn enough to help me. So I must carry on, even if I'm already a walking corpse, controlled by pain and fear, my masters.