wish.

three words. just three simple words my heart and soul hungers for:

the.battle's.over.

That's all I ever wanted to hear. I just want someone to tell me that I don't have to fight anymore, that I can finally shed this hellish life of mine. To tell me that it's alright to cry, that it's not a show of weakness... that everything will be okay.

And yet... I do not deserve that relief. I'm not worthy... Yet, at the same time, I yearn for some one to tell me to shut the fuck up and stop spewing out this bullshit. That I'm worth it... but I have no one. All I have is myself. I'm mine to exploit, to destroy, to save.


In the end, as I've said countless times, I'm alone. I'm fated to fight this battle alone... everyone and anyone that I've grown attached to... I have lost. There's no one left. I must catch my own fall. I must lean on my own shoulder... with these same shoulders I must carry what's left of my family to safety. I don't give a damn if they loathe me anymore. Hatred was my friend all my life... what makes it any different? So I beseech you to hate me and spite me. I'll still be here to protect you all, covertly. Until my final moments here... whatever it takes. I'm willing to sacrifice it all for your sake.... there's nothing I care about anymore. I don't care what becomes of me so long as your happiness is guaranteed. Let me to my misery for that is my ultimate punishment for whatever sins I have committed.

Maybe one day I'll be free of this self-destructive thinking. One day... but for now I lead my days in this living purgatory. Neither hell nor paradise...

I really want to let go. At this point in life, taking into account the situation...

I want to give up. I want do let go of this. Yet, I'm chained to life by others. Damn this, damn this to hell.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want this pain in my heart... I don't want to live in fear. I just want to lead an ordinary life, happily... with a normal family, normal past. Given the chance, I'd unlearn all knowledge about the darker side of life. I'd give up all my insight just so I can live happily~ with minimal worries. If ignorance truly does bring bliss, then let me be the most ignorant dolt known to humans.

To forget... to forget it all. How many more bottles? How many more shots will it take to unchain me of these wretched memories?