Shit life makes me say #2

I'm just tired of being tired. I want so badly to be open with my emotions, but I can't. I have to keep everything in because I'm so scared of getting hurt. There are so many things I wish to say. So many things I wish to do, but I have to keep them  between myself and this blog. And that just fucking sucks sometimes.

I want to love freely and fully. I'm tired of holding back all my feelings because I'm scared of getting hurt. It's just the things you say sometimes... makes it feel as if you'd leave me for someone better at the drop of a dime or that you'd cheat on me with anyone should the opportunity arise. That's the only thing that keeps me from putting myself fully into this relationship, as badly as I want to. You're perfect. You're everything I ever wanted. I'm just so scared of losing you to someone else. Someone much better than me. and I don't want to either.

I'm just scared out of my mind because I love you just that much.

And I wish I could tell you all this, but I'm scared.

Fuck..

Shit life makes me say #1

I don't even know why I still write those stupid letters to him.

I shouldn't even be letting him get to me. What he does shouldn't matter to me anymore. I shouldn't have to give a shit. Maybe it's time for me to full let go of all of this and just fully move on and get on with my life.

Shit. I don't need this shit in my life anymore.

Live on and let live. C'est la vie. So be it.

I'm so tired of the past catching up to me. I'm so tired of the family trying to control my life.

Exes... if I can even call them that. People I've had flings with back when I didn't give a shit about anything. I was too hungry for acceptance. Too desperate to please. Too deprived of love. So I gave in to everything.  Fuck. And now that shit's catching up to me. I don't want them calling me now. I don't want them in my life at all. They were mistakes... as much as I don't want to say it. But they were also learning lessons... so many of them that I lost count. I hate it. I hate myself for it. There's not a goddamn day that passes by wherein which I regret those. I was too loose. Too free with myself. I didn't think myself to be worth anything and merely wanted a cheap thrill. I don't know... I just want to be free of those because I don't want those memories to come back. I don't want to keep beating myself up for that shit. I don't want to be angry at myself every single goddamn day because of those people.

I'm sick and tired of my family getting to me on things I've cleared up with them about. Holy shit man. You all don't fucking listen to what I fucking have to say. Shit. If you all only listened then you wouldn't be in this shit and you wouldn't have to worry about all this shit. What the fuck is wrong with  you all? I love you, but holy shit, you're pushing me to my limits. I don't want to spend every waking moment, feeling guilty because I know you guys are going apeshit over nonexistent bullshit. The only reason why I don't text back anymore is not because I'm running away. It's because you don't read it. You don't comprehend it. I tell you straight up what's going on and that I'm fine, but you don't get it. I'm dying on the inside reading all your texts... every fucking day.

It kills me to see you like this but at the same time, I have to defend myself. I can't give into your bullshit everytime. It's not as if I'm here fucking shit up or anything. I'm living a normal life, trying to earn a decent living and gaining my independence. I don't think you realize that I've reached the age where I have to go out there into the "real world" and fend for myself. If I had remained where I was... I'd never grow up. You kill me with your love. And you're too blind in your fuckery to see what the rest of us sees. God damn. I think you two are the ones who need to grow the fuck up. I'm trying my best. I was the one who stood my ground against our step-family. I was the one who fought for you.. I was your support when she died. While you were crying your fucking eyes out, I actually did shit. I actually got everything together. As indecisive as I am, when time came to making important decisions, I don't waver. I decide. I'm not like you two. I don't fuck around when I have to make a straight up choice about something important. I don't understand you two. You treat the small stuff like it's a big deal... and when it comes to something that's of dire importance, you put it off, procrastinate, and fuck around. What the fuck?

Sometimes I feel like the adult. You live in your own world of your own ideals. You accuse me in turn of being blind to the realities of the world. You who was spoiled by her and coddled.You who didn't have to do shit. You who was shielded from the rest of the world... who never fought back. Who never experienced the world for what it really was. Who never even went on something as simple as a goddamn date. Who  just went with the flow. Who had everything handed to him and all you had to worry about was getting good grades. How dare you accuse me of being blind to the world. I've seen more shit than you'll ever see.

I seriously wonder sometimes, why you two lack the basic skills of survival. How to fight back. How to even do household chores. You don't even know how to cook. And yet, I'm trained in all of those and more. What the fuck. I've had to take care of myself. I've had to raise myself. You didn't take care of me. She did. And so did he. They'll be the only people I'll truly listen to because they actually cared about me. They cared enough to teach me the skills I needed to survive. Without them, I wouldn't be able to be where I am at this very moment. I wouldn't have survived long enough to even be typing this to you. I survived on my own for this long. So this is all I have to say... leave me be and let me live. Let me make my mistakes. I'm already learning so much. So let me live and let me live, because I'm the one who gets to die in the end. Not you. Me.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I fucking hate feeling like this. fuck.

#41

Dear-,

You asked the question. I asked you to elaborate and specify.

Yet, you fail to deliver. I can't help you if you don't help me help yourself.

I'm not the one in pain here. You are. You're creating this nonexistent mess in your head.

Stop. Just stop. You're killing yourself.

I hate watching people suffer like this. I hate watching you succumb to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes.

That's not the you I know, nor is that the you that anyone else knew.

You're slowly turning into Nalica... and I don't want that/ No one does.

So open your eyes and realize that you're the one who needs help. Stop trying to be a goddamn hero, trying to help everyone with their problems. I wish you'd realize that to be able to help others, you must first know how to help yourself first. If you can't even help yourself, then what gives you the fucking right to help other people?

It doesn't make fucking sense.

Get some fucking help. You're the fucking one that needs it most.

We don't need shit from you right now. All we want is for you to get your damn self out of the fucking gutter and rebuild your goddamn life. You're full of potential. You just keep fucking up because you keep doubting yourself. Shit. It pisses the shit out of me when you're like this. You've survived so much shit. You've been through so much shit. Why the fuck are you letting all these little things get to you?

I don't fucking get it.

I've survived my fair share of shit. Yes, I get easily trapped into bouts of depression, but I don't let it take me. I don't let it consume me. I fight back. I fight and fight with all my goddamn might until I come out of it. I don't give a fuck if I come out scarred and fucked up. What matters most is that I'm alive and functional.

This is as blunt as I can get. Anger pushes me to speak up and speak the fucking truth.

So here. I don't fucking see why you're letting the lack of a fucking relationship get to you. Shit. There's more to life than that. There are ups and downs. Trust me, I'm pretty fucking sure that once you get into one, you'll be fucking complaining and getting depressed about that shit too. If you're not happy when you're single, then why the fuck would being in a relationship change that. True,  you'll have someone to support  you, but in the end you have only yourself. Because you'll be a fucking burden to that person, making them miserable as well.

You're better than this. Fuck. Grow a pair of balls and grow the fuck up. Simple as that. Push yourself to do what you THINK you can't do. You're only as strong as you allow yourself to be. So think bigger and think stronger. Change your perspective and you change your world.

Don't turn to fucking drugs or alcohol to solve your shit because it'll only fuck you up even more. Shit.

And another thing, stop being so self-centered. Not all my fucking problems are stemmed from you. Why the hell would you assume that? My life isn't centered around you. Why the hell are you paying so much attention to me now? When it's too late. Why couldn't have read my tumblr when it mattered most. When I spent night after fucking night crying over you. Shit. Why are you doing this to me? Can't you see?

I don't love you anymore. I fought tooth and nail to get over you and I don't need you coming back into my life, trying to bring those feelings back. I don't want that nor do I need it. I just want  you as a friend. That's all I want right now. I don't want you bringing shit from the past. I don't want you telling me how you felt about me back then how you supposedly loved me. It doesn't apply right now. And all you're doing is pissing me off even more. I have other shit to worry about. So stop thinking that all this shit is about you. Because it's not. So chill the fuck out and stop bothering me about it.

I want you to be fucking happy. Happier than I can ever be. I want you to live the life that you've always wanted. I want you to be better than me.
-ht.

#40

Dear,

It's not about you. It'll never be about you anymore.

Why would I keep picking at a wound that I've tried my hardest to heal? It just doesn't make any sense.

-ht

#39

Dear-,

Good bye.

Aishite ita...

-ht

old habits die hard.

It's been this long and I still haven't changed.

I'm still the same demon that I was...

#38

Dear-,

I'm not the one who got away.

There will be no coming back.

You're hurting yourself.

-ht

.

Fuuuuuuuck. Why can't I be stronger?

I couldn't help myself.

I held the blade to my flesh and my body did the rest.

Honestly, I doubt anyone would give a shit if I disappeared...

I know when I'm not wanted. I know that feeling too well.

I've reached my lowest point once again. It's always this time of year that I end up like this.

I just want to disappear. I don't want to fight anymore... every part of me hurts so goddamn much. Just let me give up. I give up.

If I don't kill myself then let this guilt kill me.

How many more days, weeks, months, years must I carry these memories with me?

I'm too fucking tired. I'm too broken to keep this up.

I'm not who I used to be. Nor do I want to be.

I survived this long because I ignored my heart... but now I can't.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuucking bullshit. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

#37

Dear-,

Why do you make such efforts even though they're all in vain?

I won't change. That much I can promise you. I'll keep  my strength. I'll keep my will.

So that's how it'll be.

-ht

#36

Dear-,

I don't want you to be attached to me. Not like this. I don't want you to cling onto false hope. On to the very hope that you've created for yourself.

I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to put you through what you've dragged me through.

That pain itself is too much for anyone to bear... even for a masochist like me.

But... I can't just let you go because I don't want to watch  you suffer like this. I wish I could help you. I wish I knew how to help you.

I wish I knew what you were thinking. Not because I want to know where I stand with you, but more or less because I want to know how I can help you.

I won't abandon you. I know the feeling and I don't ever want anyone in my life to have to go through that shit. It's too much.

So, please please please tell me what's wrong so I can help you. You've done your best to help me. You've done a lot for me. So now it's my turn to help you out.

Let me be your weapon in your battle against this bullshit. I may not be able to help you win, but I'll make sure you come out of this alive.

-ht

Why can't I bleed anymore?

#35

Dear-,

Are you trying to make up for what you've done?

The best thing  you can do for me at the moment... is to leave me be.

It hurts more to see you talking about what really went through your mind, what really could have been back then.

God damnit. I moved on already. I'm done with that part of my life. I'm done with that heartbreak.

It hurts to hear that you told me that you didn't love me... when in reality, you did.

So I went through all that bullshit for no reason. I cried all those fucking tears for no reason. You broke my  heart for no reason. And at the same time, you broke your own fucking heart as well.

All of this could have been avoided. But what's done is done. There's no turning back.

My heart belongs to someone else now... someone imperfect, but someone who took the time to win my heart... someone I didn't have to grovel for their attention and love. Someone whose feelings I returned.

I don't want to hear that now. It's too late. It's too late for that sort of fuckery.

I want to live here and now, not there and then.

My heart isn't confused... it's just... full of pent up rage at the moment.

But at the moment... it seems as if you're the only one who cares. The one who cares enough to check up on me... text me... The one who wants to and makes every effort to spend time with me even though I'm so far away... you understand  my loneliness. And for that I am grateful... but that's about as far as I can let you enter my heart. I can't waver now. You're just a part of my past. I can never revisit those emotions.

I don't want....

I just want to sleep..... forever.

-ht

choked.

Gaah. I love you so much. I care about you so much.

I just can't say it to you. I wish I could say "I love you, too."

But I'm so scared. I really do love you. I wish I could push myself to say it.

I wish I could call you all those pet names. Hun. Babe. Love.

I can only whisper it. I can only type it out.

I love you, too. I do. And it hurts me so much that I can't put a voice to that.

It kills me every day.

Lovely.

It feels as if I'm living a dream. Looking back from where I was to where I am now... it feels so surreal.

I've been called a plethora of names all my life. I've been put down for so many reasons. I've been ignored.

Ugly.

Fatass.

Bitch.

Emo attention whore.

That quiet awkward girl.

I was ostracized by my whole class. I was alone and friendless for most of my childhood.

I was ridiculed and made fun of every single goddamn day. It was to the point of where either I kill myself or those who made my life a living hell. But I chose neither, thankfully.

No one would look at me. Not even my family. Truly, I was alone. Even I didn't want to look at myself.

I was ugly. No. I am ugly.

To other people... lately, they call me words that I've never, in  my life, heard directed towards me before. Words so foreign to me.

Beautiful.

Cute.

Adorable. 

 And phrases that I've hungered to hear all my life... I hear everyday.

Let me help you with that.

Don't worry. I'll take care of you... We take care of each other here.

Are you alright?

I care about you.

I worry about you.

I love it when you smile.

I want you to be happy.


Did you want to hang out this weekend? No? Tell me when you're free. I really want to hang out with you.


Let's hit the clubs. You're the only one I want to dance with.

And the one I fear most...

I love you.

It's like a dream. Wherein people would ignore me and wouldn't even care to give me a second glance...

Now... they pay attention to me. To the point of where I have to turn people down.

I'm not trying to boast or be conceited because I will never acknowledge myself as whatever people describe me nowadays.

Because I'll still feel ugly no matter what. No matter how many layers of make up I put on or whatever color I dye my hair.. whatever clothes I wear.

I'll be that fatass. I'll be that ugly bitch in the shadow.

I guess people are really that shallow.

Loose a bit of weight. Change my hairstyle. Dye my hair. Slather on some make up.

People will love you. People will adore you. They will respect you. They'll do everything they can to earn your approval.

But gain a few pounds. Let yourself go...

They will shun you at the drop of a pin. Left alone again.

Fucking bullshit. I hate this reality.

I never chose to change... society pushed me to.

I was desperate for that love and attention. There was a time when I starved myself. Threw up what little I ate. Exercised past the point of exhaustion. Put on fake lashes and layers of makeup... dyed my hair over and over again.

I got that attention. But they didn't love me. They loved my fake lashes. They loved my make up. They loved my clothes. It wasn't me. I was just a mannequin to display those. But I didn't realize it. I loved what I got. I found love. I found flings. But that love was without attachments. Those flings never lasted. I was empty on the inside. I loved without loving and was loved without being loved.

I was too caught up in temporary things. Swallowed my pains and sorrows in shots. Ran away from my past in heels on the dancefloor.

As for who I am now... I'm still trying to figure that out. All I know is that I am human. I have emotions. I will make mistakes. My heart can be broken... as with my body.

I will learn to be human again.

This is who I was.
 

 
This is who I am.

Hate me or love me... I don't care anymore.

I just want my smile back. I'm remembering that genuine happiness... ever so slowly. But I doubt I'll be the same again.

#34

Dear--,

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

I wish you wouldn't call me beautiful or adorable. Save those words for someone who really is.

Because I'm neither. I'm a wreck... I'm a wreck of a person... inside and out.

I don't want your attention anymore. I don't want you anymore.

Why do you still cling on to me like I clung on to you?

It's starting to look like the same story, only the roles are reversed.

But I won't lead you on like you did. I won't play mind games or fuck with your heart.

I'm better than that. I know how much it hurts, so I won't.

I'm not like you...

We all have to move on and live on... as painful as it is.

Start chasing  your dreams and live. Live for the moment and most importantly, live for yourself. Happiness stems from within and not from someone else. If you're not happy out of a relationship, then what makes you think being in one will change anything?

The ball's in your court... and this time, I'm just a spectator. So do what you must.

It's just how it is now. And it's sort of really sad to see us like this, but it's reality.

What we could have been. What we should've been. It doesn't matter anymore...

Bittersweet.... so bittersweet.

I really don't know what else to say. I honestly don't know. Lately, I don't know who you are anymore. I don't know what your intentions are.

I wish you'd think before anything else. You may end up hurting not only yourself, but those around you as well.

-ht.

#33

Dear --,

I don't know what to say. I wonder if you even read these anymore and a part of me hopes that you don't.

Why are you trying so hard to get into that part of my heart that you've personally destroyed? It's too late. Too late for anything.

All you are to me is someone that I care about: a really person who has done a lot for me in the past and taught me the taste of unrequited love.

I've moved on. I've had to. I was scared at first, but now my heart is attached to him and I doubt it'll ever let go.

So please stop saying all these things to me be it in person or in your blog. I love you as much as a any friend would and that's where I've drawn the line. Platonic. Though, on the topic of your recent post... I can't but to feel a twinge of hurt.

If you really felt that I was someone you could love then... why didn't you? Why did you fuck with my heart and play all those goddamned mindgames with me? You destroyed me. I screwed over a whole semester for you. I pushed away so many other guys because of you. You dragged me through so much shit. All those tears and sleepless nights that I drank away... You were the sole reason this stupid blog was created.

And now you have the balls to say that you "felt as if I was someone you could love?"

That's just another dagger to me. You don't hurt the people you love.

Never.

I really wish I could delve into your mind and figure out just what you're thinking so I know your reason behind these acts.

Why are you suddenly paying attention to me when I don't need want your attention anymore?

Why are you texting me when I don't want you to constantly bombard me with them?

Why do you miss me... when I don't miss you anymore?

Why do you say you love me when I don't... not anymore?

It's too late. It's too fucking late to fix the past. Why can't we all just move on and find that happiness that we all seek. Why can't we do that? I've worked hard and cried so many tears in order to move on and gutted you from my heart.

Why are you doing this to me now? Why. Suddenly you think it's all fine to barge into my life like everything's like what it used to be... when in reality, nothing's like before.

Nothing at all. You're living in a memory. The memory of what was... and nothing more.

For now, I'm merely humoring you because I don't have the heart to inflict the pain that you've inflicted on me.

I... don't know.

-ht.