#23

Dear--,

Holy crap, I fucking miss you. But... it's just me. I'm sure you could care less, trapt within your own world. I'm okay with that. This pain... isn't anything new. Same old, same old.

I hope you're doing well and having fun.

I'll be in hell for a week in winter training... perhaps I'll come back alive.

If I don't... then I'd like to say, in the words of my mother tongue,

"Jeg elsker dig."

^_^ I know you'll never read or understand those words, nor will I ever hear them back, but this way... well, it won't matter in the end.

No regrets.





Yours,
ht.

sobriety.

Well, the high's over~ it's time to return to reality.

I'm slowly falling back to my old self...

the rush of everything I'm trying to escape is hitting me at speeds beyond my threshold.

But I have to stand and bear the brunt of it.

I can't be weak. Not right now.

#22

Dear --,

I've no words, just lyrics.

"I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you

My lucky #10
Let me down again
My lucky #10
Supposed to be my friend
Stole my heart again

Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home

I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you
I wish I'd never met you

My lucky #10
Let me down again

My lucky #10
Supposed to be my friend
Stole my heart again

Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home

Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home
Yeah yeah no
My melody calls you out
Yeah yeah no
But everybody stayed home "

Oblivion Dust:
Lucky#10

Yours,
ht.

extension.

No matter how hard I try, it seems, I just can't shake off whatever it is that haunts me.

I've done my fair share of festivities over the span of this week...

I was happy, caught in the moment. But the few seconds after I wake up and shake off whatever's left of the hangover... there it is again, in the pit of my heart:

The sharp sting of pain.

Guess I was just lost in a temporary escape.

This is like Vicodin for my wounds, I suppose.

I still have a long way to go before I really start to heal.

All I can do is dull the pain and distract myself from it.

There are times when I wonder if I'll ever be able to finally save myself... from myself.

I await the day where I can finally hear those three words of sweetness:

It's finally over.

And I can give up this madness and live my life, rather than fight for it.

joyeux.

Christmas...

bloody cheers, mate.

#20

Dear--,


Congratulations, even when you're vacationing coutnless miles away, in a different country, you still manage to piss me off and stab me in the heart. You're just fucking brilliant. You know that?

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I doubt it.

I'm known to be very patient... and tolerant. You can treat me like shit and I doubt I'd care much. But, holy crap, you're the first to put those two to the test and manage to break that limit.

I'm terribly sorry, but... I think I want to beat the fucking shit out of you. Actually, in all honesty, I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

Hmm, I hope this feeling will come to pass the next time I see you because I might just do that.

I never knew how painful liking someone who didn't give a shit was, until now.

"Oh yeah, that's the static that I wanna dance around in
Oh yeah, that's the haze I wanna keep around me

Solitude, it cuts me deep when I don't know just how I'm feeling
If you were there then I would mend and I could better understand that riddle
Red, red, the color that I keep sending to call you out
But I don't know, I don't know...

So, tell me if you're just a vision,
a cloudy mix of hidden meanings
If you appear and disappear then I can never get to know that riddle
Red, red, the color that I keep sending to call you out
But I don't know, I don't know if you are there."



Yours,
ht

#19

Dear--,

I miss you. Lots!!

But you can be a total fucking asshole sometimes.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

I'm starting to wonder whether I should go with him and give up on you... in spite of you. But, haha... I'll be the only one getting hurt in the end. He wants to use me and you don't give a shit about me. Yet, I hate him and like you. :I I am thoroughly confused.

Anyway, take care.

"好きダァァァァァヨ！"


Yours,
ht

priority.

Time to tie up loose ends before the year is over with.

Ah, how to get rid of my dear creeper. That is the question.

One part of me wishes to give in to your offer... out of vendetta.

But I'm sure I'll regret that. What entices me is the lack of emotion in the offer.

I am just an object according to the terms. It'll be a relationship with all the perks and none of the commitment.

How sweet that you see me as that.

Yet, I feel the need to lead you in and then do what you've done to my predecessors.

So you'll get a taste if your own bitter medicine.

It's people like you that I hate the most.

You're no different from my commander.

Humans have hearts. They have emotions. They aren't playthings.

Learn that. Commit that to memory. Apply that logic to your life.

reflection.

A friend asked me a simple question today:

Do you still go to church?

I didn't really think much of it at the moment. It's been a while since I've attended Mass and I know I really should. But... it also brought me back to the time when my grandma was fighting for her life in the ICU... and finally her surrender to that heavenly slumber. That period of time really impacted my views toward what I believed. It was after she passed that I sort of lost hope and distanced myself from God. I felt betrayed.

His sudden, yet temporary withdrawal from me was... unexpected. I was left wondering what the fuck I did wrong for weeks. I still don't know why he did what he did. And it still hurts like a bitch.

Then my ex had to come back into my life and give me hell for a few months. I've even had to give up my place at the dojo, my second home, along with my love, lion dancing.

I was angry. Angry at him, angry at the indifference of my parents to what I was going through, and I was angry at God. Why did He have to tear away the two people that mattered most in my life... at the same time?

I'm pretty sure I would have killed myself... if it weren't for the support from my wonderful friends. But, even with them... I was too blinded by the pain of the situation and I had a relapse with my great struggle: cutting. I started doing that again, but this time more discreetly. I've cut my arms and was found out, I've cut my thighs and was found out as well. But this time, I cut my back. It was my little secret. My private release, unbeknownst to anyone else. And for a while, I was happy. I was happy to know that I was human... the pain was irrelevant to me. It was the blood... feeling those warm crimson droplets roll down my back. I was still alive, even though I felt dead. And I was glad. Though, thankfully that only lasted for two weeks. I've realized that I've reached my lowest point and I had to do something before I really did destroy myself. There were people that depended on me. I couldn't give up.

Yet, the feeling of betrayal was strong. I was forced to fight all of this at once... like being dropped into a war zone without any weapons, not even a damned plate carrier or ballistic vest! It really felt as if my soul was literally being ripped out from me. There were so many questions... so many things I wanted an explanation to.

So I stopped praying, stopped reading the Bible all together. I still haven't done either, even now.

I just don't know who or what to turn to anymore.

It feels like I have no one but myself... because everyone else will just end up hurting me.

Yet... despite all of this madness, everything is slowly coming back together.

I'm slowly accepting her death and the legal issues are slowly being settled between my side and the step-family. She really trained me well... I wouldn't know half the things I know.. or be as strong and as resilient as I am today if my parents took care of me in my childhood and not her. Thank you for that. I am forever in debt to you. It was hell, but it was worth it. I never realized how much you cared and loved me until now... but it's too late to thank you in person.

I've also finally resolved my issue with the ex, even though he's still trying to re-establish our relationship. But.. at least he's stopped calling me every night at two in the morning. I can finally sleep.

Plus, finals are over. So I don't have to fret over those things again.

I've learned and grown a lot from this experience. This fucking hellish experience...

but... before I can appreciate and realize what I've learned...

I need to heal. I'm beyond broken right now. My heart is still a mess and trying to mend itself. I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

All I want right now is to spend some time to recover... and reprioritize.

If I didn't live in such a dangerous neighborhood, I'd just head to the beach and catch the sun set... then stargaze.

But ultimately, I just want some time to reflect... in a place untainted by memories. Or maybe just a shoulder to lean on... but that would be too much of a burden.

Oh well, I'll make do with what I have. I'll recover. Somehow.

polymerization.

I am at a loss.

I need to reach a consensus between who I was and who I am...

so that I can finally become someone I want to be.

Somehow.

ballistics.

Is my life worth a single promise?

Maybe.

#18

Dear--,

Whatever... it's ultimately my fault, because I chose to feel this way.

お旅に気をつけて、ネ。



Yours,
ht.

morning dew.

I don't know what's wrong with me...

I seem to be allergic to something because my eyes keep watering.

Grant me one night where I'm not crying. One day where I don't have to pretend to be happy.

I'm not strong enough to keep this front.

Save me... somebody.

#17

Dear--,

It's been quite a long time since I've written my first letter to you. I've learned a lot about myself and the process of liking someone... and the loving them throughout these weeks.

It's been a hellish journey and it still is.

I only hope in my heart that perhaps... one day you'll stumble upon this and read these very words. The pain and anguish that you've put me through. And finally understand just how much I've had to go through in order to retain my feelings for you in spite of all the shit you've given me, unknowingly.

I have to force myself to deny these feelings and at the same time keep them for you. All in order to be able to talk to you every single day without breaking. Because some things you say... work as blades to not only my heart, but to the very essence of my existence: my soul.

I don't even understand this myself... I don't understand why I like you so much or why I give a damn about the things you say to me. Every word from you is carefully analyzed and processed into my already deeply analytical Lit major mind. I understand that you don't think much of what you say... but everything and anything that comes from you means a lot to me because you mean a lot to me.

It hurts me so much that I can't tell you these words myself, but that's partially your fault... as much as I don't want to admit. I keep calling you a jerk for a reason... and that's because you keep toying with me. There are times when you make it seem as if you return these feelings and there are also times when it seems as if you could care less about me. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel... because I don't know which truth to believe. I know which one I want to believe... but I'm scared to do so because, if I chose incorrectly, my heart and myself... would be shattered. This is the only way I can protect myself from any more pain from you.

I'm tired of being put through this roller coaster of emotions. I just want a straight answer. I can't keep living my every day like this... it's too much for me. My mind is already strained with my other charges. This battle with my family that I have to fight. I'm already torn by that... I don't want to be stretched even further with you. I'm already going beyond my limits, dipping into my reserves.

Let me know... so I can finally stop these tears at night. So I can sleep with a smile instead. My pillow tires of drinking these seemingly endless droplets of salt.

I've never let someone bring me down this hard before. I've faced many people who have tried to destroy me out of hatred... and I've survived each encounter, unscathed mostly. But you... you kill me out of affection. The very thing that was supposed to give me strength... has become my cyanide. The sweetness of love and companionship, turned bitter.

Damnit... just this once. I'd like to smile and laugh without having to fake it. I don't want to pretend anymore. I want to be real. I'm not asking you to fix me or anything. My only salvation comes from within, that much I understand.

But... the luxury of being able to live life... knowing at least one person in this cruel world loves you... after being deceived and betrayed by even family for so long. Even hated. I've had to create this persona of a heartless, emotionless, strong, no-nonsense person to get through this life. Just this once, I'd like to know that there's one person I can trust... that I can place my true self with and can rest assured that they won't destroy it. Someone I could rely on. Someone that wanted me... that I was useful to that person. That I was able to make them happy. Because I fail at making people happy. I've tried so hard... through my humor and everything. But in the end... I still disappoint. I still can never please anyone with myself. I don't want to pity myself... this isn't self-pity. This is the truth. I can't make anyone happy...

Maybe in another life. I'll have that joy... but for now I'll live the life Fate dealt me to the best of my abilities. I refuse to give up because I have so much more to live for. My life will never be in vain if I manage to make a positive impact on even just one person in my life. I'd die in bliss knowing I've achieved that.

While I live... let me live!




Yours, like always,
ht

#16

Dear--,

I'm wearing a mask of neutrality. It's the only way I can keep this flow of pain at bay.

That's ultimately because I don't know what you feel towards me. I'm scared to act because of that... I thought I knew what you were thinking, but I seem to be wrong. You're too good at hiding yourself from me. Now I have to do the same with you... to protect myself.

I really really wish we could just be open and blunt with ourselves, while sober. I don't want to use alcohol as a crutch. I want to tell you how I feel and what I think... with all of me present.

Either let my affection grow or die... just let me know. This is my only wish and desire, my dear. If you can't grant me anything else... grant me this, I beseech you.

"But I never say that I was into you. Only hoped that you'd want to... somehow know what I was thinking and tell me that it was alright.

4AM... and words meant nothing. No need to drive the sleep from my eyes when there's none coming tonight."



Yours,
ht.

#15

Dear--,

I am stronger than before.

With or without you.

The ball is in your court.


My pride. My foolish pride... I don't want to be destroyed again. It's an unending stream of pain that shall never relinquish me. It's too late... this is the only way I can protect myself, my heart, and you. I'm too tired to continue this battle.



Yours,
ht.

sunshine.

I've been living a dream and a nightmare these past months.

But now I've finally broken from that spell.

I was a fool to let that entity get to me. How silly!

The experience wasn't of no avail though. I've learned so much from it.

I can't let someone be my everything, because I'll have nothing when s/he is gone.

Let my happiness depend on no one but myself. It's only then that I shall be free.

[100th post!]

treasure.

The answers I seek... come from within.

Too many walls, too many years spent surviving... I think I've lost the key.

#14

Dear--,

I do not know how to feel at the moment.

Your words confuse me even more.

Yet, I'll try to decode my way through your cryptic lines.

I don't want to hurt you, nor do I want to be the recipient of it.

A calm and neutral mind will take me far: key to our salvation.



Yours,
ht.

#13

Dear--,

I'm trying to move on and let go, but you're making this ever so difficult.

You kill me with your every word.

Stop sending me mixed signals; that's the crux of my suffering. I don't know what you want from me anymore... do you want me to forget you and keep going or do you want me to remain by your side? Tell me because that will be the death of me, mon cher. You keep pushing me away and pulling me back. I'm human too. I have emotions as well. I am not a toy that you play with when you want and toss away when it bores you.

Blood runs through me, not cyanide. I have a heart... I'm subject to pain as well. Please understand that.

-ht.

#12

Dear--,

It hurts.

What you're doing to me. It fucking hurts.

My feelings toward you will never change, even if there are other people interested in me. It will never waver.

I only have eyes for you.

That is all.

-ht.

#11

Dear--,

I try to forget and let you go, but I cannot.

I believe, in my desperation to end the pain, I've made a terrible decision.... though I'll be the only one on the receiving end of the hurt. In this case.

My dear... I still don't understand what I feel for you. This attachment feels so strong. I shall let music speak for me, the rest of this letter.



-ht.

about face.

Smile through the pain. =)

I'm fighting this battle on my own now.

As weak as I am, I won't show it.

#10

Dear--,

Not liking you is much harder than you know.

I have no one to blame for this hell but myself. I hate myself for letting you lead me on. It's damn fine now that I'm stuck in this pain.

Goddamnit. My heart isn't a fucking toy you can just fool around with.

Two damn years, I've closed myself up... and I was lucky enough to choose you to reopen myself.

I hate myself for liking you. I really do. I know clearly that you aren't torn by this pain or bothered by this. I'm glad... but at the same time... I'd wish to serve you a piece of my suffering. Just so you understand exactly what you make me go through every fucking day.

But it wasn't all in vain. I learned that I should just close this heart of mine permanently. It would spare me so much pain.

I wish... I wish I continued to avoid you instead of this. I would've been spared so much pain... so many fewer drinks.

The fault is mine... and I must pay for it.

The heart is the core of this. I can't stop liking you... so I must kill my heart, for that is the root of my sweet precious pain.

End me... love. Torture and kill me with that joy and bliss that I shall never have. Destroy me. I... give up.

-Hana.

sentence.

It's time to let my heart die.

#9

Dear--,

I need to tell you what I intend to do... I feel like I'd be betraying you if I didn't.

Even if you don't care anymore.

It kills me, but it's my strength. It gives me strength to still speak with you and pretend everything is alright. So that I'm not being stabbed in the heart with your every word... though perhaps it only numbs the pain. Heh. I don't know.

-ht

go go go.

It's decided... I'll take that bastard on.

I'll give up everything for the sake of getting the last laugh.

If that's what it takes to get him out of my life and to protect the ones I care about from him.

My dignity. My soul. My pride. All that is me... I will let go.

So I can destroy that entity.

I won't have any regrets.

The only people I'll be hurting is him... and myself.

My Dear, it seems, doesn't like me anymore or at least he has lost interest in me, so I think he'll be spared from the pain of me doing this. Or at least he'll have an apathetic outlook upon it.

So be it then. I am ready. Bring it.

#8

Dear--,

It hurts so much because you don't know just what the hell you're doing to me. I'm tired of fighting this pain. I just want to know the truth. It feels as if you're hanging on to me because it's convenient. And, you'd let me go at a moment's notice... or if you find some other girl that's more convenient and much much better than I am.

You don't understand the meaning behind my words when I told you that I felt like a toy, a tool. It wasn't my ex. It was you. I feel as if I'm being used by you. I'm just a placeholder in your mind. And even now... I feel like its less than that.

What am I to you now?

I feel like a fool, thinking that what we had actually meant something to you. But I was wrong. I'm glad I didn't tell you how much you meant to me....because it would've been so much more humiliating. You're worth everything to me... truly I'd stop everything for your sake. Yet, I know now that that's unrequited. I'm not worth anything to you. If you'd rather find affection in someone that treats you like shit... go ahead. If it has to be like that, then I don't want you to like me because I don't want to treat you like shit. Because you're not; never in my eyes.

I wish you'd realize what you're doing to me, every damn day. I wish you'd read this.

I hate you so much because I like you too much...

My private pain, Cruel... do you understand? The root of my misery is you, Bravo, mi amore.

-ht

reel.

Is it worth this fight?

I'm letting go, but I feel as if I'm giving up too easily.

It's right in front of me... I just need to walk towards it.

I am walking though. But I've lost my soles...

Bare feet upon jagged gravel. It pains me so to walk.

Fortune beckons mockingly.

#7

Dear--,

You're so confusing.

I wish we could be open with our thoughts. So I could stop over-thinking and over-analyzing.

I'd have to deal with much less pain each day. So I'd know whether to move on or to open up.

I wish.

-ht.

#6

Dear--,

Who am I kidding? I can't.

I've only a human heart.

ht.

#5

Dear--,

I should just let go and let things flow.

This is out of my control, so I needn't fret over this. It's unnecessary.

Whatever happens will happen, as painful or as pleasurable. So be it.

I need to focus on my life and not yours. Yes, I shall serve you when you call upon me, but it'll more apathetic.

I will try to keep my heart from reason.


I'll shift my perspective, so I'll change my world.

-ht.

checkmate.

Turns out I've lost my focus...

I was too stuck on the situation itself rather than the cause of it.

#4

Dear--,

I'm trying to detach myself from my emotions to make this easier...

Yet, every word you say, is another stone rebuilding the path towards you that I'm trying to destroy.

I don't know what to think at the moment.

To let you get into every crevice of my consciousness...

-ht.

#3

Dear--,

I've left this blog exposed...

Is it worth the risk? Probably not.

I can't keep these thoughts in anymore, though. Or else, I'll truly destroy myself in the end. I'm human, I think... so I am selfish by nature.

Forgive my selfishness... I don't even know anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

-ht.