It's one of those days again where I just hate myself.

I can't seem to do anything right and all I seem to do is rage.

God... I'm a horrible person.

守りたい君を。。。いつまでも～

そう言えば、どうすればいいかなぁぁ～

生きべき、死にべき。。。そうりゃ質問だ。

本当はアタシ死にたい。。。もういやだ～

I want to give up so badly. One deep cut to end it all... how simple is that?

Compared to fighting this pain. These nightmares.

But I can't. I need to be here so I can protect your smile. So I can protect your heart.

As much as I hate what I am... as much as I wish to destroy myself.

Fuck my life. Fuck these goddamn nightmares. Fuck these memories.

I don't want to remember anything. I just want to build a future where I'm free of that shit.

Old memories die hard.

remember.

How could I have let this slip my mind...

This explains my small bout of listless brooding.

A year has past already since you left our side for someplace better.

I survived. A year without you.

Without your careful guidance.

Without your boundless love.

A painful wretched year... where everything fell apart without you.

I did my best in keeping everyone together, but I was too busy to notice that I was falling and breaking into pieces.

At this point, I've done all that I can humanly do for them. Please understand.

I did everything you taught me to do. I need your guidance more than anything right now.

I wish... I could be where you are right now. There are so many things that I want to talk to you about... so many questions that I want to ask you.

I miss you so much. There isn't a day that goes by where you don't cross my mind.

You were the only one who truly cared about me... Who truly loved me out of even my own parents...

Once again, I'm all alone. But, I understand that I must be strong and carry on... without you.

I hope you are indeed at peace right now. You... of all people truly deserve that happiness.

whatever lies beyond this morning...

Or maybe I'm just wrong in my reasoning. I don't know anymore.

I've long learned that my mind is a useless thing.

I've learned that my emotions are also useless. Time after time, they have been the crux of my suffering and nothing more.

Let me sleep... let me sleep that permanent sleep. Or must I take this into my own hands and push myself into that eternal slumber?

No matter how many times I've though it through. How many times I've tried to think and reason my way out of it... even to the point of giving myself false hope that I'd conquer  my past and defeat my demons?

I can't. Ultimately, I really can't. The only reason why I'm still alive is that I gave up on living for myself. I gave up on my own hopes and dreams... I've embraced a living suicide.

Instead I live for others. That's it. Their hopes and dreams become mine.

My life is built upon sacrifice after sacrifice. I don't care if I'm happy anymore as long as the people around me are happy. As long as they h ave a future, I could care less about mine. It's meaningless. I am meaningless. I am irrelevant.

It's all that I can do. Holding on to something that belongs to everyone else to keep myself alive.

So there is my flawed reasoning. And, yet, this is my reality. This is what I have to wake up to. This is what I have to go to sleep to. This is what haunts me when there is silence.

This has become what I am. My only reason to exist.

To serve. I exist to serve and nothing more. It seems to be all that I'm good for anyway.

So be it. So be it. So be it.

Such is life and so let life live itself.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to save myself, but for now... for now... I don't know.

I'll just exist for the sake of others. It's not painful, nor is it bliss.

I exist in a living purgatory... because I committed a living suicide.

This is my punishment... or perhaps my reward. I do not know anymore.

adionoeta

It's rather difficult to not think about it, when I have to use with a box cutter every time I go to work.

I don't even know why anymore. The pain doesn't even do anything to me.

I don't feel the pain when it digs into my skin. Into my very flesh.

That used to be how it is. I did it for the pain to break through the  monotony and remind me that I have emotions. And the very fact that I was capable of feeling pain.

But now, the numbness... I'm afraid that I've become numb to the numbness.

Pain does little for me, save for that small bit of pleasure it brings. It has lost its meaning for me.

So now, I do it for the blood.

That dark crimson that flows, sweet-smelling and sticky.

I may be numb, but I am not blind. Yet.

That liquid life is my only reminder that I am still alive. That my heart is still beating and my body still functioning.

How sad. I thought I was better than this. I thought I've changed, but in the end, this is who I am.

I need to get over the past and move forward. I need to understand that there is a future... whether it be a bright or a dark one is solely dependent upon the choices I make.

I wish I could just forget everything and live in the moment. I'm sick and tired of being weighed down by what was.

I hate myself for this. I hate myself for a lot of things... I just want to rip myself apart so I can cease to exist. So I won't waste anymore space in this life.

Fuck this shit... it seems all I know is how to survive. I honestly don't know how to live.

How the hell do I live? Tell me. Someone. Anyone.

I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to only know how to follow orders. I want to live.

Goddamnit. Though, the only way is to find myself, get to know myself, and figure out what I want.

What I want out of this life.

Only I can help myself. I wish and I wish... I could converse with someone about this instead of being stuck in a circle.

My pov can only take me so far. I wish there was another I could share it with, so that I may see this in a different light.

But in the end, I have myself. These are the thoughts that I have to keep to myself... I can't weigh anyone down with my bullshit.

I'm not weak... though nor am I strong, but I can hold my own ground. I think.

I'm just so tired of being tired. I want to escape this way of thinking.

I'm tired of fighting this addiction. Just let me cut myself into oblivion... bleed and bleed until I am nothing but an empty shell.

Then maybe I won't be such a waste of space... this ugly little thing.

Save it for someone who is perfect.

Someone who isn't me. 

look into my eyes.

I can't save you anymore.

It's come to the point of where I can no longer protect you.

It's not out of spite that I can't. It's more of because I just simply can't.

I don't understand why, but that's just how it is.

I remember when I still could... back then.

I lived in a daily inferno, whilst you had complete control over my emotions.

And yet... I was strong. Or I thought I was. I was strong in the respect that I had built up walls around myself in which I  could block out people from hurting me.

And through that lack of vulnerability, I was able to save you as well... if only for a little bit.

But I'm not like that anymore. Who I was is no longer who I am.

And most likely, who I was hates who I am. I could care any less at this very moment in my life.

There are so many things that must be done. That must be addressed.

I just have to keep going. Keep going and ignore all other inhibitions.

It feels as if that's my only path to surviving.

But to survive what? What exactly is it that I have to survive? Does it not mean that I'll be able to live another day?

And yet... how does one "survive life" though... when all we are met with are the loving arms of death in the end.

No one survives life. You can get through life, but... that's about it.

Or so it seems. Survival... seems to be all that I know.

I wonder how it feels to be human... how does it feel to be like the others, without a past like mine.

I do wonder sometimes.

But, whatever.... life is life and I must live as it wills me to. I'm too tired to fight it. I'm too tired to fight everything.

I just want to live out the rest of my life with as little pain as possible.

I'm much too tired to go through all this bullshit and fuckery again.

It's taken a toll on my heart. It's taken a toll on my soul as well as my body.

I just wan to live.

That's all I wish for. That's all I want. That's all I'm working for.

To live. To die. Perchance... to dream.