Today's just one of those days where I feel like breaking down and crying my eyes out...

This is why I never stay at home for long periods of time... I think too much and my demons get the best of me.

It's so hard to hold them back, but I have to...

I will be stronger.

Strong enough to destroy what destroys me. And even if I have to become a demon to destroy my demons, then so be it...

I want the pain to be gone.

I've spent my whole life fighting these things... I'm fed up. I'm tired.

I want to live without those memories haunting me.

I am drowning in a sea of emotions. Ughs fuck this.

I've never been so frustrated with everything to this extent before...

Nothing's working out at all...

Goddamnit. I can't just sit here and not work. So much for transferring... at this rate, I seriously won't even have enough money for culinary school. Though, thankfully, I do have enough skills to not need to attend, but I'd still very much like a degree to prove my worth to the cold and blind working world.

I don't even know anymore... I feel so useless and helpless. Even more so, now that my discharge has been approved and I'm completely out of that. Now I really feel out of the loop... I'm not helping anyone, I'm not even helping myself. Why am I still alive... sometimes, I really do think that I'm a waste of resources and that I'm just better off dead. What's the point... I don't want to live selfishly, but at the same time, we're selfish  by nature. So, I don't really think life is meant for me. I despise living for myself.

I want to be useful.

I want to be worth something.

I don't want to be a waste of things that can better go toward someone who really deserves them.

I just hate everything right now.

Well, no... I just hate myself. For being so useless.

I can't stand this stagnation. I don't want to do nothing. I need to fucking work. I don't understand why it's so goddamn difficult to just put me on the schedule. Either you tell me prior to my transfer that there's really no need for any more help, and direct me elsewhere, or give me some hours. We're all here to survive and in this fucked up world, we need money to do that. Shit.

So here I am again, desperately looking for fucking jobs again.

But no... I can't even run home to my parents for help. They'll just give me hell and shut me out for good this time. So forget this... I have myself and I will make it out alive.

Even if it means leave my beautiful city and going back to PA.

Why can't things just work out for once?

Why do I have to make sacrifices for everything that I do?

Why do I always have to be the one to improvise on my own part?

For once... why can't someone think of me and my position?

Why must we all be so selfish?

Even I'm being selfish for thinking like this...

There are reasons beyond our control that makes things so... and yet we always center it upon ourselves and the people around us, thinking that we could change things...

and perhaps we could... and perhaps we can.

I don't fucking know...

I'm not strong enough. Damnit. Damnit all.

I can't..... I just want to forget this city and go home.

They call me a warrior.

They say I am fierce.

In their eyes, I am strong and apathetic...

But I'm neither of those.

Perhaps I was, but now I've become a worrier.

I gave up my fierceness for fear.

I've lost my strength for I became much too empathetic.

I am very so a broken person hiding behind a facade of wholeness.

I need to regain myself again... who I once was.

I must become stronger, earning my fierceness once more.

But I no longer need my apathy or my empathy.

All that I require is the ability to fully accept and embrace my heart and my emotions.

Then I can finally become a warrior... with a heart.

A balance of strength and gentleness... like water: fluid enough to accommodate anything, but strong enough to carve canyons.

I need a heart that sheds no tears.

I must be strong.

I need to be strong.

I can't afford not to be.

There's much to do and there's much to be done.

Why does this hurt more than loneliness?

The future.. hm?

I never really put much thought into stuff like that. It was just nonsense.


A future of my choosing and not according to pointless program that I had gotten myself into.


Free will, hm?


I was ready to die in my line of work and that was it for me.

I'd live alone, eat alone, complete the assignments at work, and ride it out on my own until my life ended.

And now, I just don't know anymore... there's too many things to consider and think about.

To have people be affected by my decisions... to have them that attached and connected to me...

That's something I've never had to deal with before. My actions were detached from everyone else but myself. And even then, I felt no connection to myself... the decisions I've made and the things I've done in the past.

And now I have to think twice before I do anything... because I'm connected to people. Because of my emotional attachments.

I'm not alone anymore. 


Why...... Who I was five years ago would've never imagined I'd become who I am at this moment.



I was alone. I had no social network.. no one to give a shit about what I did. And so that was why I sold myself to that program.


It gave me a reason for my existence. If I were to throw life away, then I might as well put it to use in the service of something better.



I need to recalculate myself again.

Logistics again. Heh. I was made for this line of work... even in my own personal life.

Home is where ever you are.

And I am so far from home right now...