I realize that I have a serious inability to put my emotions to words.

So I end up keeping everything to myself, because even I can't tell myself what I'm feeling at the  moment or why I'm so sad.

I can't express myself. And this will be the death of me. I have so many pent up emotions that I can't set free.

So all I can do is cry... wordlessly cry and no one, not even myself, will know why.

Like right now....

-_____- It really sucks how he's pushing his gf on me like there wasn't any history between us.

Fuck you. You don't see me pulling the same shit on you.

Just leave me alone. Exes be gone.

Shoo. Go live your life. She doesn't need to know me. She doesn't need to know I exist.

It'll just cause unnecessary drama, pulling me back into your life.

I really hope our paths never cross again.

Because there are a lot of things I've worked too hard to forget... and I have no intention of revisiting any of them.

I will never let you fall.
I will stand up for you until the very end.
I'll be there for you through it all...
even if saving you sends me to my death.

#n

Dear--,

I'm glad you finally found the happiness you were looking for, even if it wasn't me.

Take care of her, alright? It seems that she loves you more than I have ever loved you. 

Cherish that, for you never know what tomorrow will bring.

In a sense, I am willing to look past all the pain that you've given me and offer you my gratitude.

If things had played out the way I initially wanted, I wouldn't be who I am today.

I would've still been the same, perhaps... living that self-destructive lifestyle and throwing my life away.

And I would never have met someone better than what you had to offer.

Someone who was willing to catch me when I was falling endlessly.

But anyhow, we were fighting for the same cause. I suppose that's what had drew my to you.

We were both knights... caught up in protecting our own hearts from anymore pain.

Loyal beyond measure... We stand by those we have promised to protect.

We also live by the same creed:

                                      Strength. Honor. Perseverance.
                         That which does not kill us will only make us stronger.

And at the same time, we were both hopeless romantics waiting on something or someone to save us from ourselves.

So we both found what we were searching for.

And I think it's best things remain as they are now. It would be better if we don't see each other again... when I return. Let the past destroy the past.

It's for the best.

-ht

tada arigatou.

You give me so many reasons to stand my ground and keep fighting, despite my unending desire to give up.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I wish I was strong enough to overcome this unending depression.

It's killing me on the inside...

I don't want to be haunted by all these stupid memories.

Why can't I let the past bury the past?

Save me from myself... please. Anyone...

help me.

Quoth my insecurities.

Why does it feel as if I'm afraid to lose you, but you aren't?

I could change that... if it means that it'll make you care again.

Because it feels as if I'm walking a one way street at the moment.

But the fact that this hurts so much... is a reminder that I should keep fighting and hold on.

...because it still means that my heart is attached and loves you very much so.

I'm trying my best to make everyone happy, but I'm fighting this battle alone.

Whatever happened to my partner in crime?

I guess he stopped caring along the way.

Or so it feels...

Or perhaps this is just my depression talking. 

I am breaking.

But I will save myself.

I am  much stronger than this. I know it.

I will beat it.

Somehow. I won't let my demons consume me...

Or not.

Goddamnit.

I'm not strong enough to fight it.

I can't keep fighting it like this... it's killing me.

I'll never win.

Just let me crawl into a hole and cry away this depression.

Let me cry and cry.

Let me cut away my pain.

Let me bleed and bleed until I am no more.

It hurts too much.

And what hurts the most.... is that I don't know why I'm letting depression get the best of me.

I've fought you all my life.

I've won many battles and have lost equally.

I suppose you'll take my life one day.

Can it be today? Or perhaps tomorrow?

I surrender my shield and sword.

Take it. Take this wretched life that you hunger to consume.

I'm tired. I'm broken.

So take me. Eat me.

I don't want to fight anymore...

I want to cry but I can't.

I don't deserve that relief. I'm not worthy.

destroy what destroys you.

You know what... fuck you, depression.

I won't let you destroy me.

I'm tired of fighting you.

It's about time I destroyed you.

I can't let you run my life and drain what's left of my strength any longer.

Enough is enough.

Fuck you and fuck the shit that you've dragged me through.

the fine lines in and out of life. (as if it fucking matters anymore)

I'm doing my best.

But that's not fucking enough.

My body is being pushed beyond its limits right now.

My arms and legs are bruised... my hands are swollen. My muscles are aching.

I'm tired, but no rest will come to me.

I'm so damn exhausted. Mentally and physically.

I work for money that I don't even get to see.

Why do I even bother waking up that early in the morning... to work for something that I don't even get to touch. 

Just fucking once I'd like to be able to spoil myself. I mean if I don't have anyone willing to do that for me, then I might as well do it for myself.

But I can't.

I can't even afford to have any time for fun.

It took a visit from an acquaintance to make me feel even more like shit and remind myself of the failure that I am.

My body is broken, but my spirit is still intact... for  now.

I don't know how long I can keep going before I collapse.

My hands and feet are full of callouses...

There are perpetual bags under my eyes.

My skin is dead.

I've never felt more disgusting in my life. 

Just once, I'd like to have an excuse to dress up... to even be able to wear a dress or skirt.

Just once... I want to feel as if I'm a human being.

Just once... I'd like to see someone make the sacrifice for me, as small as it is... because I don't have anything to give anymore. I give and give and give and give...

I am empty. 

But I'm still fighting. I'm still standing.

At this very moment... I'm still alive.

I will make it better.

 I don't expect anything to get easier in the future... but what I do know is that I'll be strong enough to handle it. Therefore, things will get  better.

I swear.

Nankurunaisa.