Shit life makes me say #10

I've been avoiding this for the longest time. Until I was forced to come to terms with it... or at least discuss it.

I lost another friend. Another colleague... to the hands of death.

Enough is enough. I'm so tired of losing people I care about. I'm tired of this bullshit.

I hate how helpless I am at the moment. How I'm unable to help them and all I can do is watch them disappear from my life just like that. All I ever wanted was to protect the ones I care about. But now I can't.

I've been getting so angry at myself for that very fact. It's sort of gotten to the point of where it's rather difficult not to hate myself.

It just makes everything I've been working for... all for nothing. All my efforts have been for naught.

And that just pisses me off. I've survived this far... only to watch others die. The very same people who kept me alive all these years I was working with them.

What the fuck, Life? Why?

I can feel the anger coming back again. Fuck... I need a breather. I need a drink. A walk. A run. Something.

I just want to escape this self-hatred. The last thing I want is for me to hate myself again.

I'm just so frustrated that I can't do anything to protect them.

I know I'm better than this. I know I need to stop thinking like this.

But... for now, I need to be like this so I can mourn. So I can come to terms with this.

I just... I don't know. No matter how many times I apologize... it'll never be enough.

Shit life makes me say#9

I guess this is a bit of my materialistic selfishness kicking in... as much as I hate to admit, there are times when I can't help but to feel a bit of jealousy and frustration when I am forced to look at photos of all those cute sappy things my friends' significant others do for them. All those "just because" gestures of appreciation, spur of the moment adventures, and dates...things that make you feel appreciated and not ignored. Ughs. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I should just appreciate my own better half for even choosing to be in my life. That itself is the greatest gift I can ever receive. I can't help but to feel a bit of frustration sometimes, though... fighting that feeling of envy.

But whatever, it's a gift every day just being able to fall asleep and wake up beside him. It's a gift in itself that he actually cares about me to that extent. It's a gift that he puts up with me at all. It's a gift that he saved my heart , slapping the poison of unrequited love right out of my hands. And for all of those, I am grateful and beyond happy.

Shit life makes me say#8

All this pent up stress has finally caught up to me. I can't keep shit in for long periods of time... damnit. I just end up exploding and turning into this bloody mess. It's come to the point of where I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. Fuck... all this anger is merely directed toward myself, though.

I guess that's the root of everything. Myself. I have expectations for myself and it seems as if I've failed to reach any of them.

I need to break away from myself. I'm, in a sense, killing myself, slowly. Destroying myself.

I fucking hate it. I hate it when I'm like this. And I hate admitting it.

I need to escape this mentality, because at this moment, everything I do is pissing me off because it feels as if I'm fucking up everything.

I've become my worst enemy.

I guess I just need a way to unwind and destress. Figure out a way to let go of past shit that keeps coming back to me. I need to stop brushing things off and actually confront the problem as well as my emotions.

The more sadness and anxiety I keep in, the quicker it turns to anger. Anger that I can't even understand.

I've been taking life too seriously, lately. All I've been doing is work, sleep, clean, and eat (if I have time). Even on my days off, I'm still stressing about shit that I don't need to stress over. I need to chill and figure out how to break this cycle.

I haven't focused on myself in a long while. All my money goes to bills and food. I haven't even shopped for clothes in half a year. HALF A YEAR. Holy shit. I have no right to call myself a girl. I need to indulge myself in a while. I need to show myself some love and spoil me with shit. (In moderation)

-____- A little r&r goes a long way... as well as a bit of fun. I miss having an excuse to wear make up and dress to impress. Fuck the red and khaki.

Shit life makes me say #7

For the first time in six years, I woke up in a civilian home, thinking I was still in basic.

Sheesh. This is taking its toll on me.

I never wanted him to go through what I went through back there. It's not as easy as it seems. It's not as easy as they lead us to believe.

I was so scared. It was the worst of times and yet... I'll give them props for rebuilding me to the person I am today. I wouldn't have been able to adapt as easily or assimilate into my new environment as I've done here.

I just don't know. It sort of sucks to see this happen... but at the same time, you do what you must.

I'd be a total hypocrite if I tried to stop him. I've done my fair share of service... but at the cost of so many things. The very same things that I don't want him to lose.

I worked so hard. I made so many sacrifices to protect the ones I love... my friends and my family just so they don't have to be put through the same shit I chose to put myself through to ensure that they'd be able to sleep at night... safe and soundly.

I don't know. We do what we must. We do want we think is right.

Duty calls. And so, I, too, must play my part.

Fucking jody calls. Pfft. Whatever.

Shit life makes me say #6

Maybe I'm just afraid... 'cause honestly, right now, I can't afford another heartbreak.