point break.

If only you knew how scared I am of losing you.

I don't openly tell you my emotions and exactly how much this relationship means to me...

not because I'm unsure of what we have or how I feel towards you.

It's because I'm afraid. I'm afraid this all might end... from the very start of our relationship, I've been afraid of this.

Remember that one evening on the train? When you were taking me to downtown and I cried?

I never admitted it... but you were right. I cried out of fear. I cried because I was scared that everything would disappear one day.

And because you are so much like me... I was dreading the day that you'd catch up to me in that fear.

And that day has come.

Doubt and fear destroy a lot of things. I've learned that the hard way.

This is why I chose to live carefreely and not care about anything. Or so I try my hardest to do so.

I live in the moment. Where ever opportunity takes me I will follow... all in the name of protecting my heart. All in the name of protecting people around me.

I've tasted heartbreak so many times, I honestly, don't want to swallow that pain ever again. So many times I just wanted my heart to stop. So I won't have to wake up. So I wouldn't have to feel that weight on my chest sink in all over again. Every goddamn morning. I'm scared. As much of a masochist I am... I'm scared to death of pain. This type of pain... the one that kills without a trace. The silent killer. The one that you can hide with a fake smile.

But... if it comes that day that you wish to splinter off and do what you want to do, I won't stop you. I don't want to make you stay if you don't want to. If there are bigger and better things you want to move on to, I'll support you all the way, even if it means I have to suffer. If there's someone who can make you happier than I can ever possibly be capable of then please... I won't be selfish and keep you... as much as my heart wishes to put up a fight.

I'm willing to let you go because I love you just that much. As long as you're happy, I'll be happy as well. 

I act like I don't care about a lot of things, but I really do. It's the things that I appear to care least about that I care the most about. 

Because I'm scared to acknowledge the fact that I care. The fact that those things are important to me.

The fact that you're so important to me.

I've never met anyone quite like you... quite like me.

No one I've ever dated has cared enough to take me home on a near daily basis... regardless of how far.

No one has ever done so much for me.

No one has ever put so much thought in what a relationship is.

No one has apologized for the small little things before.

No one has ever tried so hard to win my heart...

No one.  And I really don't know why you care so much... because I'm not worth that much in people's eyes. Not even in my own family's. Not even to myself. But I really wish I could tell you that I care about you as much as that... and even more. The majority of the things I do... I never take a step without thinking of how it'd affect you first.

I was scared to love and I still am. But fear doesn't stop me from falling in love... because the heart is a very selfish thing. 

And at this point... I'm just so afraid of losing you. But I don't want to let my selfishness get in the way of what you want out of life... because in the end it's you who gets to die and you who has to live with those regrets. So live the way you want to... even if it means you have to hurt a few people in the process.

As for me, my life was destroyed to begin with. I don't really have a future to look forward to... at any point I am ready to die... and that's alright.

Haha... this is like Brian all over again. Those very same words I never thought I'd have to hear all over again.

It really seems my life was never made for any lasting happiness... ah well. I must've been a horrible person in my past life and so I'm paying dearly for all the sins that I've committed in this lifetime. 

So be it. I really don't want to cry anymore... but I can't really hold it in anymore either. Fuuuuuuuuuck my life. I wish my heart could choose this very moment to stop... at least I'll die knowing someone still loves and cares about me. I don't want to die with a broken heart,

I don't want these tears to fall... but...

With all my strength, I will protect you.

My final promise to you. 

#32

Dear--,

The only way out of your situation is if you choose to help yourself. Help must come from within. You must want that, you must desire that change in order to change yourself. Others can only help you so much, because this life is about you and only you. Love yourself before you love anyone else, that's the only way to cure solitude. Solitude isn't a situation it's a mindset.

Change your mind and you change your world.

Think about it.

Regards,

ht.

#31

Dear--,

And if you are still reading this, just know that I'm still here to help you, if you need anyone to talk to or anything... but please please please please, stay the fuck away from my goddamn heart. It's strictly Platonic now.. what we have.

You were the very person who told me those very same heart-piercing words "let's stay friends." Well, now I'll serve you the same plate of pain.

Let's remain friends.

 I'll do my best to ease your pain and help you sort your problems out, so long as it remains that way. I can only do so much for you now. It still hurts me to see you in pain, but at the same time... that sadistic side of me wishes to smugly sit by the sidelines and watch you suffer. But I can't allow myself to do that... so indeed, if you are reading this, Bravo... I'm still here for you, despite the distance, both physical and emotional. So talk to me, text, AIM and whatever shit you want because I want you to be happy.

Your happiness still matters to me... even though you were the one who took away mine. I want you to smile again, despite the fact that you were the reason why I forgot how to smile.


But I do wonder, though... granted you still  venture  here. And if you do, please answer me this:

How does it feel to be in my shoes? Tell me. How does it feel to taste a fraction of the pain you've put me through. Dragged me forcible into? Tell me. I'm at my wit's end... and am dying of curiosity.

So when you fall to the ground
And finally get back to reality
And no one at all is around
So tell me how does it feel to be the enemy?




Regards,

HT

a reflection of my shadow.

I've a bit too much time to kill, so I decided to just read over my older posts.

I realized those entries don't get to me anymore. The pain of my words, it's bitterness, I can no longer taste.

Perhaps, I am over him.

Perhaps, I can finally start living again and let my heart heal.

Allowing the ebb and flow of all the emotions that I've deprived myself of, that I've taught myself to fear and hate to fill the cracks and mend the unmendable.

I was so foolish back then. I should've just let him go while I could've and saved myself from all that nonsense. But, I was stupid and blinded by that foolish love that I held on. Held onto nothing. Nothing at all...

Though, I wouldn't say that I'd erase or undo that part of myself, given that chance. The whole experience has taught me so much about loving someone. About trusting someone with your heart... someone that doesn't know how to take care of it.

I've had a smorgasbord of unrequited love over these past few months. Oh, how bittersweet as it slides across my tongue... slipped into a tunnel of dispair and digested by self-loathing.

It was and forever will be a learning experience for me... though one that I don't wish to live through again. All these scars.... and wounds... I'm still recovering from. And I doubt I'll be the same person again... but that's always something I can aim for. Something that I can try to become once more.

But by living through that, I've been drained of all hope... truthfully speaking. I really don't know what I'm living for. I've been detached from myself for so long that I no longer know what I want from myself. I've never been so lost. I honestly don't give a shit about myself. At this point... at any moment... I am ready for death. At least that way, I'll be reunited with a lot of people that I care about... and perhaps, I'll be free of all these memories and all these pains.

But something keeps me here... something here keeps me from giving  up and straight-up killing myself. Perhaps, it's the possibility that I'll remember how to love again. The possibility that I can have a future where I'm not in constant pain, haunted by the past. Because I've finally found a person that actually gives a shit about me... I've found that one thing that I've fought tooth and nail to find. That one thing that was my reason to fight so hard and to survive... despite all the fuckery and bullshit I've had to swallow.

And for that person. For that reason. I'll hold on. I'll keep going. Not for myself...

because for once, I don't have to fight alone anymore. At this very moment... I am not alone.

My shadow is here and I am whole once more.

#30

Dear-,

You are confusing the fuck out of me. Oh, how I wish I could say that to your face. Why is it that the moment I stop giving you attention, stopped "liking" you that you focus on me? It's too late. Much too late.

Why the hell are you waiting until now to give me this sort of attention? Why did you do that when I was head over heels in love with you? You could've saved me from so much goddamn pain, asshole. Prevented so many sleepless, tear-filled nights. Why must you lie in wait, until the moment I've found someone else to love to do all these things? Asking me to hangout and go clubbing and other bullshit with you.

Why do you bother even flirting with me anymore... That doesn't get to me the way it used to. Remember? How you lead me on... on and on, deeper into that sick and twisted labyrinth of pain.

It's come to the point of where I'm somewhat annoyed and irritated at you. It almost seems as if I'm nothing but a pet to you. When I give you attention, you ignore me. It's when I have someone else whom I can dote my attention and affection to and reciporcates it that you pay attention to me. How sad...

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. It feels as if my only salvation lies within cutting ties with you. There's still a lot of wounds that have yet to be healed. The ones that you've inflicted... sliced right through my heart of ice that you've melted.

Meh... I doubt you even read this anymore. So whatever. I'm only writing these letters for my benefit. I don't give a shit what you think anymore. You've caused more than enough damage. More than enough pain to last me a lifetime.
Regards,
HT

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

sleepless dreaming.

Delta Lima.

You stupid fool. Goddamn... I only hope you're okay where ever you are. I wonder how it feels to be on the otherside.

It only seems as if it was yesterday when we were assigned to the same division and unit... embarking in countless training sessions and exams. Eventually you were assigned to be my partner. My comrade. The one whom I was to entrust my life to... and somehow along the road... my heart, if only temporarily. It was inevitable, though... all that time we've spent together in temporary bliss. So foolish we were. It was a fling that was never supposed to happen. Out of pathetic lust rather than passion or love... so caught in the moment. We forgot who we were.

All of this still feels so surreal to me. I don't want to believe that you're gone. I really don't. But that's the sad reality and I must face it with my entirety.

Good bye, my dear. Sleep in peace. Rest for now and let us finish the rest.

whatever lies beyond this morning...

It's come to that point of where I have to step it up.

I need to be stronger, better, and braver. There's no space for weakness. I can't cower behind anything anymore. I need to let go and move on. I have a whole life ahead of me that I need to build and a present that I must rebuild.

To live. To die. Perchance... to dream. To dream no more, as reality awaits. And so I must take these risks and chances. And take them I did... hence this is why I've uprooted myself from my place of comfort into foreign territory.

In the span of these few months, I have changed once more. Indeed I have become stronger... yet at the same time I've in a sense grown weaker. But, this is a good weakness, I guess. All these emotions that I've held back in my heart out of fear to tasting that bittersweet heartbreak once more have slowly trickled back. I'm honestly still afraid to love and grow attached to a person. It's just too much of a risk and impossible to calculate the logistis. But... I can't back down. I can't just let go. I don't understand why, but I just can't give up just because I'm scared of getting hurt again. I don't know... eh.

What's there to life anyway? Nothing really. At least in my eyes. But even if there's nothing to life, I'd rather live life with someone that I can waste away nothing with. I guess. Ooh, only the rest of my life will tell.

As for now, I'll keep walking. I'll keep fighting as painful as this battle is. I don't know...