#2

Dear--,

I think I'll just keep writing these letters. It's better than drinking or anything else. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell you myself these things that go through my head.

You kill me. You're really killing me.

I don't know what to think anymore... with every word, my heart just breaks.

I'm tired of being at your mercy. I want to stop liking you. Period.

It just hurts too fucking much! Every day, I'm damn miserable because it feels like you're.. no.. it doesn't feel like it. You are toying with me.

FUCK YOU.

GUH. Even though, I know this is ultimately my fault. It's my fault for liking you. Ughs, I hate this. I know where I stand. I know where I fucking stand... but it doesn't feel like that anymore. I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know.

It seems as if this is slowly becoming unrequited. I can't stand this anymore.

This stagnation is killing me! I'm stuck... you're keeping me in one place.

I can't move on nor can I fall back... because of you.

You make it seem as if it's requited and you like me back, but so many fucking things that you do makes it seem like you don't.

I don't know what to think. I'm killing myself every fucking day wondering what the hell you're trying to do.

I hate you... but I hate myself more. I really do.

You're an asshole... but I can't stop liking you.

Why do I always set myself up for pain... it seems like that's all I'm living for.

Just this once, I want a taste of that happiness.

-ht.

[null]

I've lost all focus as of late.

This break has been anything than a break...

So far I've managed to start projects, but never finishing them.

I guess that's what Winter Break is for?

Probably not.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I feel like I'm just being toyed with...

I wish you took me seriously,

because I'm taking you seriously.

surrender.

I won't let this bother me anymore.

The more I detach myself, the less pain I'll be in.

resolute.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

But I'll find out and mend everything.

I won't be weak anymore...

I vow to be stronger than before.

I'll never break down like this ever again.

思い出に

i've betrayed myself along with their lives.

there's nothing more to say.

let my end be my ultimate punishment.

ablution.

I don't know what to think anymore.

You're just fucking with my head.

I won't fall for the same shit twice.

#1

Dear--,

I've realized something today...

I hate you.

I hope you'll realize that.

Do you know how much pain you've put me through? This torture itself is enough to drive anyone insane and to the point of taking their lives!

I don't know why I'm still standing. I don't understand.

But what I do know is that I fucking hate you. I fucking hate your guts. You're a mothefucking jerk. I hate everything about you.

I can say this a million times and, yet... and yet you'll never realize that.

With all my heart I hate you. You're a fucking asshole, you know that?

You've pulled me through so much shit it's not even laughable. All these emotional ups and downs... you served as the catalyst to them.

I hate you so much...

Yet, I'm still standing by your side. I'll still fight for your happiness. I'll still protect that smile on your face. I'll still be there for you.

Why?

...because regardless of how much I hate you, I've learned to love you.

So long as there's hatred in my heart for you, beside it, there will be love for you.

In the end, I guess... I'm the one to hate. I should just hate myself instead.

I care about you so much, yet you fail to realize that. I just feel so used... I'd give up our friendship to transcend that to something else... I'd risk it. I'd risk it all for that. What's life without its risks?

I am willing to put our friendship on the line to become something more.

Because I'm selfish like that.

Just once, I'd like a taste of that happiness... just once I'd like to have a person that I can share a bit of life with. My joys and my sorrows... someone I can remove my masks for.

I don't care if it doesn't work out in the end.. at least we'd have tried.

I wish I didn't feel like this. I don't want to feel like this... but I am. I can't deny them.

I wish you'd step out of my consciousness.


I just wish...

I wish... that you could read this and understand what I really feel. You know how I feel towards you already. You know that I do like you... but you don't know what I think, what goes through my mind every time you do those things to me.

I feel like such a fool for thinking like this. For succumbing to shit like this for one single person. For you...

I hate myself for liking you too much.
I should've distanced myself when I had the chance, but now it's too late. I've fallen for you and it hurts like a bitch every time I talk to you. I wish I can stop this pain, but I can't.

I've never met anyone like you before... you stand out among the rest. I wish you'd fall back and blend in, but that won't happen. So I'm stuck in this self-created madness.

Damnit. I've liked, I've thought I loved... but this is different, it feels much more real.

-ht.

PS. I know everything'll remain the same between us because these words will never grace your eyes. I'll drink until I'm numb and don these painful masks... so I can smile for you. ^_^

surge.

I've finally managed to pull myself out of this depressive state.

I was out of it for such a long time.

Though, isn't the point to get out of it? Going back "into it" would be rather strange. We're limiting ourselves to be normal, in a way. Alas, conformity is the societal norm. I suppose.

But that's beside the point.

I've learned a lot these pasts months.

I've realized that I've really let myself get soft.

I'm depending on people too often. I wasn't like that.

Self-sufficiency was my life. It was how I survived all those years.

I placed emotions before reason. That was my fatal mistake that sent me spiraling down this endless descent into hell.

I'll never let this happen again.

I doubt I'll ever try and open my heart up to anyone anymore. It's just not worth the pain and suffering. It was like have my soul ripped out along with my heart. Hell beyond measure, that's what it was. So excruciating, yet I loved that pain.

I won't give up though. I'll still fight... I've gone too far into this to give up.

I've managed to stop cutting, for now. Though I don't know how long I can remain clean. Three years was my longest, hopefully I'll trump that.

I'm positive I will this time. It just doesn't thrill me anymore... at least I don't really feel any pain. All I get out of it is the that it serves as a stark reminder that I'm human on the inside and I'm entitled to emotions as well. It's blood that flows through me. Life...

So I'll live in spite of life. In spite of everything and everyone.

I'll never dream.

I can't stand this anymore.

I need to leave this place for good.

I can't fight this breakdown anymore.

I wish I could rip this heart of mine out...

So I'll cease to feel.

So I'll cease to love.

So I'll cease to care.

So I'll cease to live.

I don't want to live like this.

Time after time I've tried to change.

I've tried to change myself.

I've tried to change others.

I've tried to change everything.

It's but an endless cycle of pain.

This battle will never be won.

I surrender. My demons...

You've won.

Now let me cease to be... softly softly.

Be still my soul.

Be still my heart.

Let not a second breath escape from these parched lips of mine.

Let this be my final and last breath.

I don't want to fight anymore.

I've lost everything.

Wake me up from this nightmare and let me embrace death's sweet arms.

But.

I don't want to be like this.

Yet I am.

It's the undeniable truth of my untruths.

complications.

I am numb.

I've ceased to care about anything or anyone.

All of my future motives and actions will be devoid of any meaning.

I don't care anymore. Do as you please.

You've two lives instead of one. Mine and your own.

Use mine wisely. I am at your disposal.

I'm willing to lay my life and my entirety down for you.

Because I love you.

But what use have you for my life or my pathetic gesture.

You're Pain.

granted,

I'll stop questioning my path and accept it.

What else can I do?

The more I fight it, the more pain I'll be subjected to.

I've already gone beyond my limits.

I'm already gone. I'm already dead... or my spirit is.

I've given up on myself and everything.

I wish. The two words that's wrought so much suffering.

I wish. I wish I wish. I wish.

I wish I never met you.

I wish I never liked you.

I wish I never loved you.

I wish I never cared about you.

I wish I'd just disappear.

So I can forget you and live on.

But I can't. Wishes were never meant to be granted. They are nothing.

They mean nothing to me. But what really does?

In the end, the only thing that matters is nothing at all, you'll have learned.

So let it be.

Let me cease to be. Let me be with my spirit.

sanguine.

I managed to be clean for a year.

I've betrayed myself again.

I wonder how deep the blade will go this time.

Perhaps this'll be my final relapse.

I can only hope... my tired self begs to be relieved.

live wire.

You act the reflection of what you say.

I'd say you were a filthy hypocrite... I but won't.

Whoops. I just did.

I'm so sick of this... we all have our limits.

I've gone beyond mine ten times over.

asphyxiate.

It's so hard to breathe.

Everything's closing in... there's no escape.

I've missed my chance. Now, I must face the consequences.

It's always those closest that inflict the most painful blows, as light as they are.

My goodness, kill me already. Have mercy!

You've got me cornered, without any room to make my getaway...

so finish me. The final blow, please.

one-stop.

Don't save me. Don't try to mend it.

I just pretend to have a heart.

Not too sure why I'm still standing... breathing.

Though the most mystifying thing is why I can still feel.

Why is there this pain, physical and spiritual, within my chest?

The pain only increases as hours pass.

Indeed, it's ripping me apart.

Yet, I know... that I do not have a heart.

This pain is so real.

Almost tangible.

If I reach my fingers out to touch...

I can nearly expect to feel its thick sickly coagulating mess between them.

I haven't a heart... maybe a soul if I hadn't sold it yet.

I truly haven't a heart.

So why do I still desire love or affection?

If I myself am no longer capable of such?

It wouldn't be fair.

No, it wouldn't.

Why do I still want to be loved...

If I haven't a heart.

Where will that love spend its days in?

There's nothing to protect it, to shelter it... grow it perhaps.

I suppose it's only in my selfishness that such a dilemma arises.

Unrequited love... how pathetic of me.

I though I was better than this.

Stripped of my pride and whatever bit of dignity I have left...

I've let this distasteful desire ensnare me.

My thoughts, clouded.

My actions, restricted.

I no longer know my motives.

I suppose I search for love in hopes of destroying that perpetual pain.

Perhaps one day...

I'll find a heart, so I can finally feel life's worth, tasting the sweetness of life's nectar.

I'll fight for now... just a moment longer.

murmur.

For you?

Anything... so long as you allow me to.

I do hope you realize it's for your sake that I drag myself through this Hell called existence for your sake. Each and everyday.

For you. I'd protect you with my entirety... so long as I'm breathing.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up though... this heart of mine, with every beat, brings so much pain.

Yet, it's still beating despite the pain. I'll live... for you.

So let me serve by your side, until the very end.

It would be the greatest gift... my only piece of true happiness:

Your smile and well-being.