wish.

three words. just three simple words my heart and soul hungers for:

the.battle's.over.

That's all I ever wanted to hear. I just want someone to tell me that I don't have to fight anymore, that I can finally shed this hellish life of mine. To tell me that it's alright to cry, that it's not a show of weakness... that everything will be okay.

And yet... I do not deserve that relief. I'm not worthy... Yet, at the same time, I yearn for some one to tell me to shut the fuck up and stop spewing out this bullshit. That I'm worth it... but I have no one. All I have is myself. I'm mine to exploit, to destroy, to save.


In the end, as I've said countless times, I'm alone. I'm fated to fight this battle alone... everyone and anyone that I've grown attached to... I have lost. There's no one left. I must catch my own fall. I must lean on my own shoulder... with these same shoulders I must carry what's left of my family to safety. I don't give a damn if they loathe me anymore. Hatred was my friend all my life... what makes it any different? So I beseech you to hate me and spite me. I'll still be here to protect you all, covertly. Until my final moments here... whatever it takes. I'm willing to sacrifice it all for your sake.... there's nothing I care about anymore. I don't care what becomes of me so long as your happiness is guaranteed. Let me to my misery for that is my ultimate punishment for whatever sins I have committed.

Maybe one day I'll be free of this self-destructive thinking. One day... but for now I lead my days in this living purgatory. Neither hell nor paradise...

I really want to let go. At this point in life, taking into account the situation...

I want to give up. I want do let go of this. Yet, I'm chained to life by others. Damn this, damn this to hell.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want this pain in my heart... I don't want to live in fear. I just want to lead an ordinary life, happily... with a normal family, normal past. Given the chance, I'd unlearn all knowledge about the darker side of life. I'd give up all my insight just so I can live happily~ with minimal worries. If ignorance truly does bring bliss, then let me be the most ignorant dolt known to humans.

To forget... to forget it all. How many more bottles? How many more shots will it take to unchain me of these wretched memories?

tabi

I'm finished.

It's time to give up my old self and start over...

I've got to move out of here.

so be it.

There's no hope for redemption... from the Lord... from myself.

I've gotten way too deep in this shit.

soothsayer.

I've wandered too far off the path for any hope of redemption.

Sometimes, I just wish someone would destroy me so I can start over again... but that would be weakness.

I need to pick up the pieces and replace them to their original form... and make do from there.

I'll be complete and whole on the outside, but be without essence from within. A living shell... with nothing to drive her but spite for life and the desire for the last laugh.

Once again, I'm driven by vengeance... I thought I was through with that, but I was wrong. In the end, it's always about revenge. Vendetta... my sole driving force. My motivator.

At last~ I think I'm too in deep for any form of redemption. My hands are stained... the filthy liar that I am.

So destroy me. Feed me nothing but pain... sate my thirst with nothing but my own tears and blood for that is all I deserve.

The fires of Gehenna awaits what's left of my soul, granted that I haven't sold it in my attempt to survive.

Let me live in hatred... that's my only sustenance. Without a heart. Without love. Without compassion.

That is my ultimate punishment.

wait.

I've found another reason to spite myself... I'll hold on to this.

Hate me. Hate me. hate me. Destroy me...

Stay away from me lest I taint you... I've lost favor with life and that of my own soul. I don't deserve anything save for perpetual pain and punishment. I've also lost favor with myself.

All that is good and joyful, deny me of it. I've committed too many sins. Let me be in my misery for that is my ultimate reward.

Demon child.. demon child... I've become you instead.

counsel.

How can I sleep at night?

Oh demon child... demon child. You've finally manifested... so I hope to destroy you 'fore you consume what's left of my soul.

Let the battle carry on. Let me rid of you from my nonexistent heart and consciousness.

try me.

Let's see how well I can act.

And damnit, can I act.

This is for you... all for you. In the name of vengeance. I'll take you to hell with me.

clear.

I've finally received my long-sought answer. My mind can finally rest, but my heart cannot.

Aah, I'm tired of living like this. I'd very much like to break from this world of pain...

I'm so sick of short-lived happiness... it feels as if the world is taunting me, giving me a taste and then quickly relinquishing it. I don't want to be toyed with anymore. But... reality dictates otherwise.

Haha, I'm exhausted. So exhausted of giving myself excuses to go on, telling myself things'll be better that perhaps I shan't have to fight alone. But that's the stark reality...

I entered this Hell alone, I'm going through it alone, so it's only logical that I leave it alone.

That's how it is, but I don't want that. No matter how hard I try to brush that desire off, it still remains deep within my dying heart. As much as I don't want to admit it, as much as I want to deny it... I'm scared of being alone. I grow weary of losing the ones I care about... even this right now is just insane. Absurd even. I'm still trying to fathom how this is happening to me. I'd like to say that it was unfair, but life's unfair. That's a fact. I'm a living breathing testament to that.

You've taken everything away from me, Life. Along with my will to live. The only thing keeping me going is my promise to her, that I'd protect him always. So long as he's still alive, I too must live. I feel like that's the only catalyst for my actions. To protect. Everything I do is for the well-being of everyone. I don't want to think that it's not worth it, but I do.

I want to live for myself. I want to live for happiness that is my own... but I don't know how. As long as this guilt shares its existence with my soul, I cannot break free from this. Everything that is in my own interest will be branded as selfish and shouldn't even cross my consciousness.

I really need someone to help me... but I don't want to risk sounding like a depressed mess. Though, in truth, that's exactly what I am right now. Two years before, I've lost someone that truly cared about me. One year before, I lost my one and only confidant... and this year, I've lost my mentor in life and to add to that, I've lost someone I can fully put myself into. The family's a mess now. The father is spiraling down a path of depression. The mother, she has her own family to deal with.

I don't know how I can pull myself together anymore. I've lost everything. Everyone... I'm scared... scared to ask for help. Scared to admit that I'm broken.

I've reached my limit, my breaking point. This is it. I can't bear anymore than this. If this be Hell, then let pain be my sustenance. 

But, I know I can't give up. I'll fight for this happiness... even if I lose, it won't be in vain. Maybe in my next life... things will be different. I'll fight this battle for now... as this heart of mine dies with each step, with each blow.

Yet for now, I need to just... break down. That's the only way I can build myself back up.

Grant me hope. Grant me strength. Grant me happiness. Let me be free.

Never again, do I want to live only in fear of the end... only in fear of short-lived joys.

I thought this was it, but I was wrong... and now I must face the consequences for opening myself once more.

I'd beg for death, but even I do not deserve the good graces of the end. Am I forever cursed to lead this life of pain?

Though, ultimately, my one and only wish is for someone to find me. To see through my happy facade and tell me that no, I'm lying... that I'm really not okay. But to not worry, because they're there and that even though my world is falling apart, they'll try to keep it together, little by little. Yet, their mere existence itself is more than enough to stop my world from being further destroyed. To just know that someone cares, is more than enough to fill my heart to the brim with hope. It's tough to have been hated all my life... to have your whole class use you as the scapegoat for everything. I'd be the first person they made fun of... laughed at, spat at... and many more atrocities. But I lived on... I survived that hell, all five.damn.years. I did it all alone and fell in the process. I succumbed to self-mutilation. I learned to love pain... I became a masochist to survive. If my entirety was composed of nothing but physical and mental attacks, I might as well learn to love it.

I escaped and I survived... but not unscathed. I'll always be insecure. I'll always be ugly in my eyes... I'll never be worth anything. I'll never be good enough. I'll always doubt myself. Such is my life... yet I hide it so well. I play those imperfections as modesty, as shyness. When I brush off a compliment, I truly do... and believe it to be a lie and nothing more. Something to please the ears so to win my favor.

I just want someone to find me. Please... hurry. Save me from this... hear my wordless plea. Look into my eyes, past my deceitful smile... my eyes can only speak the truth, for they are the windows to my soul and my soul can never lie. I can only smile for so long before my mask breaks and I can pretend no longer. Read between my lines and realize my plight. Listen to the pauses between my words, hear my silent cries, my wails. See my invisible tears. See what my scars have to say... all over my arms and legs. If you gaze long enough, they'll spell out my true feelings, my ulterior motives, my constant battles with myself.

Find me. Expose the dirty liar that I am... as that's all I really am. A liar, cursed to speak untruths for eternity. All in the name of survival.

Because if I say that I'm depressed or under the weather, they'll just brush my words of, saying that it was but a pathetic plea for attention and nothing more. In a way, yes. It is a plea for attention... because I'm hanging on for dear life. I need to call for attention so someone can pull me up again. 

Haha, though the truth is I'll have to save myself. I'll have to slay my own demons... no one will ever give a damn enough to help me. So I must carry on, even if I'm already a walking corpse, controlled by pain and fear, my masters.

whisper.

But of course, I shall never betray the truth...

of just how much you're killing me.

falsities.

I'll live in this illusion for a moment longer...

My heart can't take this anymore... so I shall let it rest, for the time being.

cry.

I surrender...

myself to victory.

A blow to my heart is not at all fatal... when I'm already dead from within.

I'll fight on, despite my wound, despite the pain, despite the blood that is a grim reminder that this vessel still lives.

tasukete.

Teach me how to fight this battle...

this is beyond anything and everything I've been pitted against.

operating operatives.

It's me against the world.

Always has been, always will be.

I wonder why that is though. Why do you continue to incessantly torture me so? Is it because of my refusal to fight back? Because I will... this time. I'll take matters into my own hands. I shan't let you destroy me. Not again. I'm sick and tired of wallowing in this pain that you're shoving down my throat. I'll fight back and take my rightful share of joy. I won't shy away. I'm sick and tired of this same circle of battles, always ending with you as the victor. I'll destroy the shadow that lurks over me, killing me not slowly but rapidly. I may be dead on the inside. But so long as this heart is beating and this mind capable of sound thoughts, I will keep fighting. I'll march through all the shit that gets in my way. I'll wait until I can see into the essence of life itself before I take my shot.

My anger will never be sated until I get my answer. I'm so tired of playing this game... it's just too damn frustrating. This tug and pull of emotions... but I'll fight until the very end. I won't be the victim anymore. I'll take you down with me to Hell if I must.

All I ever wanted was a straight-forward answer. That's all. I don't give a damn whether it's something I want to hear or not. I just want to know. I want to know what's going on, so I may act accordingly. Those half-assed answers mean nothing to me. You say one thing and then the next... completely undoes whatever was said in the former. Just give me a goddamned answer. I'm sick of guessing and mulling of stupid hypothetical schematics of idiocy. I won't hide behind a veil of drunkness... too lost in that pain. I'll remove my mask and bare my everything to receive this answer.

Grant me strength. Grant me a calm mind to act. Grant me stoicism.

I need to detach myself from myself to win this battle... or to even take my first step.

Give me strength... because I don't know if I'll come out of this alive. But.. so long as I've an answer. I shall die with no regrets.

I don't spite you. I don't love you. I don't fear you. I don't loathe you. I don't like you.

I can't remove a (k)not without your answer. It's tied too tightly. Only what you say shall grant me a strategy to unravel what is eating me on the inside, feeding upon the pure essence of my soul- the bane of my existence.

And so I beseech thee once more, grant me strength to ask you this...

What am I to you? Truly.

I wish to know where I stand. I'm falling and still ever am... until I can untie this rope to grant me salvation.

I shan't wince at a painful reply... pain is what I've been brought up on. I am numb to it... or so my soul is.

But the heart isn't. It knows nothing... untainted by the horrors of life. I've managed to protect it well from everything and anything. Perhaps that was my error. I shouldn't have. I should've opened it up to experience the world. So that it may understand and gain knowledge to handle this... rather than having my mind fight its battles as it is now.

But what's done is done. I've a battle to start and finish. Hopefully I can end it before the sun wakes once more... if not then by tomorrow night.

My soul can only bear so much... in its current state.

But.. you can't really break me. What's already broken... cannot be broken once more.

Though in ruins I lie, I shall use it to my advantage. The shards shall serve as caltrops to halt your steps. To corner you so that you shan't escape from my question.

A rather simple question with a complex answer that's the power to create life and to destroy one. To mend a heart or crush it. To join a soul or shatter it into a million pieces.

So I lie in wait... for you. A careful sniper without her scout. But this will do.

This will do.

Lord help me now. I can't say that I'm not afraid... apprehension is what courses through my veins. The adrenaline... alone... sustains me.

Hear my silent battle cry: The beating of my heart, reverberating through my core.

Heaven help me.