And all I can do is protect... and sacrifice.

That's all I seem to be able to do.

And perhaps, that's my only purpose.

Shit life makes me say #13

Why does it always have to be me who swallows all this pain...

I've collected too much sadness in my lifetime.

But I'll take the fall... so no one else has to. Better me than anyone else, I guess.

I can take the pain.

But do I deserve to?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

I must be strong.

I was trained to be a fucking warrior after all.

So a fucking warrior I'll be.

No tears will fall form me.

This isn't even a bloody letter. It's a warning.

Damn, son. Do you even understand what moving on is?

You don't get yourself involved in a fucking relationship when you're still saying shit like "-- will still be the one in my heart" or "-- will be the only one I love and I'm still waiting on her."

This has nothing to do with my feelings for you, because I'm completely finished with you... and it's not as if we were ever "together" it was a bloody one way thing and I had to pay for that stupid shit.

This has to do with all the people you're destroying. I can't help you... I can only watch you fall and learn from your own mistakes.

But at this moment, I'm just trying to point out something that you're so blind to. That you've been blind to for the past three years.

You've always had her in your heart, that's why nothing's worked out for you.

You must understand the rules of unrequited love.

It's "unrequited" for a reason.

Learn to move on... I understand it's not the easiest thing in the world to do, but it must be done.

Not for your own good... but for the good of the one  you chose to be beside you at the moment.

Her. 

I don't give a shit what happens to you right now... You should've learned already by now what and why you're getting yourself into this sort of shit.

You must learn what "moving on" is.

It doesn't mean "loving" someone on the side while you wait for that person to return your feelings.

You don't use other people to "kill time."

Remember what you did to me?

Don't you fucking dare do that to her. Not every one has the same pain threshold as I do. Not everyone can take the pain that you've made me swallow.

And from what I've seen... I don't think she can take it.

So think your feelings through before you let her deeper into this relationshit...

I honestly don't think you're ready.

When you go around saying things like "-- will be the only person in my heart" or "I await that one day -- will return my feelings."

Damn, son. This isn't some fucked up "experiment" as you call it.

She's a fucking human being with a heart. Hearts break.... and sometimes they never heal. It scars you with memories you can't ever forget.

Don't you fucking dare play around like that. It's making you look like such a hypocrite.

You're still caught up with someone who doesn't return your feelings and who may never do so.

The best thing to do is to kill those feelings... distance yourself from that person. From everything...

Think about what you truly want.

A miserable life where you're caught up with the past?

Or a new life with someone who loves you back...

It's your call.

If you're not ready to move on, then I don't think you deserve to have someone by your side right now.

Because you're just setting her up for disappointment. You're just going to break her heart.

She's just another game for you to play.

Don't half-ass this.

I'm telling you this not because I care about you or anything. I'm just sick and tired of watching you destroy people.

Somehow... most of  the men... I mean boys that I encounter in my life turn out to be bloody players.

Better fix yourself before you break yourself.

If you can't survive this life alone, then you aren't ready for a relationship.

Think about it. Take it nice and slow... you've plenty of time to think it through.

Do us a favor... Save a few lives and hearts, y'know?

And here's a small bit that I never spoke about...

I didn't waste my two years solely waiting for you...I had people ask me out, offered me just for fun flings, offered to be friends with benefits. You weren't necessary for me to be complete. I didn't wait out of desperation. I felt the need to prove to myself that I could survive by myself. I wasn't afraid to be alone. I was alone all my life. Forget relationships, I didn't even have friends until high school. No one held me when I cried. I locked myself in the bathroom and cut away my emotions... punished myself for being so pathetic. I cried myself to sleep everyday, wishing for my  heart to stop, wishing that I never wake up because I didn't want to face the hell the next day.  I wanted to forget the past... the four years of torture at that damned place...  I wanted to forget him... the one who stalked and sexually humiliated me. I wanted to destroy myself. I was unclean. I wanted to disappear. I wanted the pain to stop. But I realized that I was the only one who could make that pain disappear. I never gave up on life... I might've made a few regrettable mistakes on my way here, but that's what makes me stronger. If I gave up as easily as you did, I would've killed myself before I even made it into college. 

Be strong. Move on... and live.

You never loved her. You don't hurt the people you love.

Oh, can't you see how much pain you're causing her?

In a different life, in a different time, I would've saved her from you.

Just because you can't get who you want, it doesn't give you any justification to carelessly destroy hearts.

It won't change anything. Your stubbornness and selfishness is what's keeping you from changing.

You're destroying yourself while taking other people down with you and you damn well know it.

It's not that you don't know how to cherish people. It's just that you become too attached to someone you know that can't return your feelings and then you do all these stupid things to try to force that person to do so.

But you know it'll never work... and yet you still do it.

I'm glad you aren't like me though... who I used to be.

I was scared to be attached, afraid to cherish people because I was scared of losing them.

So I distanced myself. I loved physically. I indulged in the pleasure of pleasure and that was all. There was no emotion. I was so empty.

I searched for love in all the wrong places. I was used... and I didn't mind one bit.

All I wanted... was to be wanted. Even if it only mean one night. Even if it meant I was passed around like some classless whore.

I was wanted for the way I dressed, the way I wore my make up, my body... but never for who I was.

And stupidly, I was fine with that... because I've become so numb to it all. Because I blinded by my desire to be accepted and wanted. I did what I did for all the wrong reasons.

I felt like shit. I wanted to cut away at myself, so I'd bleed away my filth. I'd cut and cut, but I'd still feel dirty.

Even now, I still do. I don't ever believe I'll be free of the things I've done in the past.

I'm still trying so hard to clean up my act... because I wish to kill that promiscuous side of me.

I don't want to be that loose girl that I was, taking on anything that moved.

I want to be able to love someone without holding back anything... somehow some way.

I will love without being afraid.

It makes you seem like a saint compared to me, doesn't it? Heh.

And so I offer you this piece of advice:


Don't go around destroying people's hearts just because you're unsure of your own feelings.

Shit life makes me say #12

It's not that there's anything making me unhappy... or anything wrong...

I just feel like crying. Or perhaps, I just need an external release of my emotions.

Be it through laughter or tears. The edge of either extremes...

Or eating. Eating works too. My emotional bowl of pudding.

Alone and incomplete.
No more tears to cry and no more blood to bleed...
I'll fall forever endlessly.
When you should be the ground beneath my feet...
My better half. 

Shit life makes me say#11

Sometimes being me is such a thankless job...

I hate it.

I hate how I give my all to people... how I'm always there for them...

and they get used to it.

Eventually they learn to become numb to my efforts. Then they simply expect it.

And that's when I'm taken for granted.

Always.

I wonder what would happen if I stopped doing what I did. If I stopped caring so much.

If I merely disappeared. What then?