Shit life makes me say #5

I really need to post here more. I stopped because I didn't want to blog anymore... I didn't want to come to terms with the fact that I still haven't fully fixed myself yet. That I still had the residual depression that I have yet to overcome.

Ultimately, I need to stop keeping all my emotions inside. They'll kill me one day, I swear. They'll be the death of me. So I must stop. I need to be open with myself to myself and those around me.

I had my first breakdown in a while and it was wretched. I need to face the past and get over it.

I need to understand that I'm not who I used to be anymore.

I'm not alone anymore.

I am stronger than I was.

I am a better person than I was,albeit I still have some kinks to work out.

I have people who care about me now.

I don't have to fight anymore.

I am free from those who have made my childhood a living hell.

I need a more positive outlook on life. I need to let the past go and stop being so afraid of what the future holds.

I only have one life, so I might as well make the best of it. Come what may, I'll take them on.

I need it to be so that I will learn to stop this self-loathing.

I'll overcome this... somehow. Some day. It's a work in progress.

#n

Dear-,

Well, this isn't the first time you've pulled out of my life and came back.

This is the root of your misery. You keep coming back to those who are causing you pain.

The most ironic thing about this is that you pretty much pulled the same shit during the same time, same month last year. I'm sure you've forgotten, but I haven't.

Remember? On the week that I decided that enough was enough, that it was time to move on... the week that I showed you this blog and closed all communications with you. It was then that you decided to leave me that fucking voicemail that fucked things up. The one where you apologized and cried, asking for another chance. The one where you asked me the very thing I've spent that damned year and half  I've been waiting to hear. I was bitter, but I took the chance. And, yet.. the very moment I agreed and we made plans for a date of fucking Valentine's day. You decide to disappear for a week... then  you canceled on me... then you took back everything you said to me.

I haven't forgotten. I'm sure you have.

I can forgive people for a lot of shit, but fucking with my heart isn't one of them. I can forget, but I will never forgive. My heart is what keeps me ALIVE. You fuck with it, I'll fuck you up tenfold. I will make you regret the very day you chose to do what you did. I don't want it to go through anymore pain. I don't want those nights of binge drinking and fucking around with anything that moves to come back. I don't want to lock myself in the bathroom to cry and cut anymore. I don't want to whore myself out until I feel loved and wanted. I don't want to go running to my bestie's house to drink and cry anymore. I am so tired.

At this point, I know damn well  you're reading this. So get out. Get out of my life. You're neither an ex or friend... so I have no reason to associate with you. I appreciate all that you've done for me. I appreciate you teaching me what assholes men are and how quick they are to change their goddamn minds and how meaningless love is to you guys. In the end, all you want is to get into their pants. You were never the gentleman you claimed to be... There goes a saying, it takes a damn boy to fuck every girl, but a gentleman to love one.

You live an ironic life, Brian.

Adios, motherfucker.

I was your cure and you were my disease. I was saving you, but you were killing me.

-ht

Shit life makes me say #4

I'm reliving that day again. Those choices I've made for the greater good because I fucked up. Because my ex screwed me over.

Why the fuck do I even trust people anymore...

I don't want to be a destroyer of lives. I don't want to be a weapon...

I don't want those memories.

Dear-,

So this is good bye.

This is where I wake up and end these dreams... no... nightmares.

This is when we disappear from each other's lives...

This is where the pain stops.

Good bye then.

Good bye to a relationship that never happened, and yet carried all the pain and tears of it all.

Thanks for all the lessons learned. Thanks for all the memories.

Everything was for nothing.

-ht

#42

Dear-,

This is my last letter to you until you decide to get your shit together.

I've tried my best to help you. I've tried my best to be there for you.

Year after year, I've watched you make the same mistakes, over and over again.

You just never learn. I really don't know how else I can help you.

At this point, only you can save yourself.

I don't even know why I'm trying so hard to help you, despite all the shit you've put me through.

But I'm through with that.

I want you to see yourself for who you truly are.

Stop trying to fill the void with temporary fixes and find the root of the problem.

Life isn't merely about relationships. There's more to life than that... so stop fretting over that stuff and stop forcing yourself to find this thing called "love."

Let her go and get the fuck off this emotional roller coaster. I know you love her very much, but she'll never return your feelings. If I can move on from unrequited love, then so can you. So man up and move on. Best friends don't hurt each other, so I don't understand why you're holding onto someone who's causing you so much pain. Stop. Just stop. She's unhappy and you're unhappy. Just stop forcing yourself on her and let things be.

Guh... the rest... the rest, I'll leave for you to figure out. I'm tired of this shit. I won't baby you anymore.

Fight your own battles because I have my own demons to slay.

-ht

Shit life makes me say #3

I gave him the ultimatum. Either he picks up his shit and figure out how he's screwing his life up or well, that's the end of our friendship.

That's my problem. I tend to care too much about everything and anything. I care too much about people and in that respect, I spoil them and they don't know how to act on their own volition. I give them solutions to their problems, when I should've lead them to the answer or at least a variation of a solution.

I honestly thought I was helping them, but instead, I was just leading them to their own demise.

I should've forced them to find their own answers instead of always spoon-feeding them things.

Somehow, I feel that it's my fault... the way he is now. The choices he's made...

Fuck. This again. Everything always boils down to me. I'm tired of this... I don't want to live a life of what if's and what I could've done's. I have to accept the past for what it was and embrace the present. I can't let shit from the past tie me down like that.

I don't know what I'm doing... all I know is that I have live with this constant anger towards myself. I'm tired of it/ I really wish I could stop hating myself, but it's something that's been driven into me for as long as I can remember. And, unfortunately, old habits die hard. Very hard.

Fuck. I really need to change my mentality. This self-destructiveness is killing me, physically and mentally.

I've more than enough shit to worry about and I can't afford to worry about myself right now.

Damnit. Damn this shit.