Let it end.

Why can'I let myself be happy?

Why must everything be laced with the dark bitterness of pain?

I'm on the edge of giving up. I am ready to die... as selfish as that sounds.

I'm not strong enough to live.

So... I have numbered my days. I really can't do this anymore. It feels as if the longer I exist in my current state, the more I'm hurting my parents.

I don't want to cause anyone anymore pain.

It's so hard to believe that I've retreated to thinking like this again. I really thought I was better than this, but I guess not.

I don't want to wake up anymore...

All I want to do is end it all.

I can't fight anymore.

I just want to disappear.

I can't keep going. Not even for myself.

I'm too tired.

I hate who I am.

I really hate the way I act and react to things.

I wish I could change myself.

I am...... shit. Goddamnit. If I could rip myself apart I could.

I really really hate myself.

Why am I so afraid of getting attached to anyone?

I wish I could trust my heart to you. I really do... but I'm so scared.

my lofty quest.

It's still hard to believe that anyone would be happy to see me or even want to spend time with me.

I've come a long way from who I used to be, I guess.

I'm still not used to this life. It feels as if I'm becoming weak, as emotions that I've worked so hard to suppress fill my heart.

I'm not alone anymore.

But at the same time, I'm scared to attach myself to anyone. I don't want to go through that pain anymore. I've tasted it too many times. Truly, pain is not a flavor I favor.

Ultimately, I guess I need to learn how to trust again. Somehow.

So this journey continues.

Why the hell am I trying so hard to save you...

When you were the very one who tortured and destroyed me?

There's a fine line between kindness and stupidity. I believe I've just crossed it.

It's one of those nights when I just want to give it all up.

Once more... death is my only option. I'm drowning.


So please let me die. End this... end me.

#29

Dear--,

Okay. I lied. That wasn't the last letter.

So many things have changed these past months. Heh...

I'm not scared to say your name anymore. Memories of you and I no longer haunt me... though it still pains me at times. I'm not letting you shadow my life anymore. All the pain and bullshit you've dragged me through means nothing to me.

But... that doesn't mean that you mean nothing to me. Even though you shouldn't.

I don't know what to think about you anymore.

You've played with my heart and lead me on for so long... and dropped me like I meant nothing to you. But once I gave up chasing you and engaged into a relationship, you started showing interest in me, asking me to hangout and started talking to me again.

God... you're a heartless bastard.

What the fuck was I thinking? Why the hell couldn't you have saved me from this pain and told me it was just a fucking fling so I didn't develop expectations of pushing what we had further.

I've worked so hard to move on. Just let me live in peace with the life I have now.

I wish you'd keep ignoring me. The less we talk the less painful it'll be.

Let's just make both our presence and dialogue scarce.

Just like old fucking times when you'd leave me hanging. Remember? Because I do.

I don't even know anymore... What's done is done. And so we must deal with our respective consequences.

-ht.

Say goodbye now and mean it forever.
Got to move on and keep it together.
Forget the things that you've said and you've done.
That's in the past, here comes the sun.

Note to self.

As scared as I am. I won't give up. I won't back down from this challenge.

I'll fight and survive this until the very end. I've let too many opportunities pass me by.