あふれた。

また日本語を使ってすいません！ｍ（－＿－）ｍ　もっともっと練習したいから。

ちょっと諦めたい。すべて。

悔しすぎるの。その恋は。

もう感じれない。


ですが、さよならは言えない。声が出せない。多分、心が言いたくないかなぁ～

知り合い。

今日のエントリーは日本語でタイプする～　超長い時間日本語は使わなかったし、ちゃんと練習をしなきゃだめだし。

さぁ～最近ライフは本当に大変だった。しかし、今もそうな感じてるだと思うんだけどう。。。ハァァ～どうすればいいかしら。考えるのが止めれるといいんだ。いつも考えすぎるし。いつか。

ですが、

その望みが適えれば。。。どうかな？

いよいよ幸せになれるか？　へっ～人生は簡単じゃないので、そうだと思わない。

ついに本当の微笑みができるのか？いや、それはもう昔忘れてしまった。

じゃぁ、どうかな？

知りたいの。誰か教えてくれない？もし答えをみつけたら、考え過ぎないはずかもしれない。:\

to the edge.

Everything I do seems to be motivated by the desire for atonement and nothing more.

Is this selfishness? Or but detachment?

whisper.

Thinking about the past scares me sometimes, but not because the events were so terrifying. Rather, it's because they're just so unbelievable...

I've lived through them and yet, I still find it so difficult to believe that they actually happened to me or that they occurred in general. Hence, I've just given up on talking to people about it.

It's just too hard to fathom.

It's better to just let the past bury the past... and let the scars disappear.

quaint.

I need to have more faith in people...

though I probably need to be able to entrust myself with faith before I'm able to do that. Perhaps.

break.

Why do I become so anxious when too many good things happen? or when I'm just happy... in general.

Rather than enjoying the moment, I'm stuck worrying and trying to anticipate how balance will sweep in and take back its fair share.

Am I cursed to feel miserable until my end?

Why does happiness bring so much guilt upon my shoulders? Though I do wonder... do I deserve all this joy? Somehow, there's always something telling me that I don't deserve it and instead I should be subjected to eating nothing but sorrow and pain as a way to atone for my sins and my past.

I just feel so unclean. So unworthy... of everything. They're all just too good for me, my dirtied hands, to touch. Too pure. I do not wish to defile their genuine smile and laughter with that of my tainted ones.

But that's just my self-destructive way of thinking. One that I need to save myself from. Somehow.

satisfy.

I finally understand why I don't or can't full place myself into anything. In other words, my inability to be passionate or fully take something seriously.

If I take something seriously, then that means I care about it or at least it's important enough to enter my stream of consciousness. And if I care about something, then I have placed a part of myself into it. So, if anything were to happen to my object of concern, then it would result in pain.

Once again, we return to pain. It always stems from my fear of getting hurt.

I don't care because I don't want to inflict any more wounds upon my soul.

But I can't go through life like that. It's already killing me, slowly. I've lost the ability to enjoy anything. All I care about is just completing the task or objective in question. And through that process, I'm hurting those around me.

Everything I do is an empty gesture. It's simply what I have to do. Societal expectations. I smile because my established persona dictates that I have to, in order to appear "friendly" and "approachable." I laugh because it would be strange not to do so when encountered with something comical. All these things I do... I'm but following the script written by society. To blend in and move unnoticed.

Life is like one large, perpetual play. And, at the same time, it's like some high-profile covert operation: Recite your lines right, make the right moves, and you just might make it through another day. But don't stand out, don't do anything outlandish,. Your objective is to blend in and assimilate into the local milieu. That way you'll be normal and not run the risk of being ostracized.

But I digress...

I need to come to terms with the fact that I don't need to be like that anymore. I understand that back then... back there, I needed to devoid myself of any form of attachment to survive each day. But I had vengeance to hold on to. Now I don't.

That hunger for vendetta has been extinguished. Though, unfortunately, the demon... the shell that once contained that desire remains. It has simply just lost its source of sustenance... and now it's feeding on my soul. The very essence of my existence. All in an attempt to sate its eternal hunger. At least until the fates decide that I've drank enough from the cup of life and pry it from my hands, already taken by rigor mortis.

I need to loosen up... somehow. Taste life for what it has to offer, rather than figure out what I have to offer life. Or at least find a balance between the two. Smile because I want to. Laugh because it's actually funny. I want to be real.

.... but then again, what is real? Oh, such is life! That's why we live~ to figure out all these things.

trompe l'oeil.

Well that twelve day ordeal is finally over... at least on the surface. It left behind many loose ends and equally many unanswered questions. Waiting on the debrief as of now. I am only one perspective... I need another view or two of this. So far, that tactic has helped me out of many tight spots throughout this.

Though there are some things that I need to ponder myself.

Why did the entity entrust me with that? Granted that there are two separate entities.

If it is one single entity, then why do this? Why go through all the trouble of setting up this elaborate and frighteningly meticulous ordeal? Is it for amusement? To get my attention? But why? I am nothing much a mere speck in that entity's eyes.

I have done nothing to offend. I have done nothing that compromises our trust. I was just a correspondence... an acquaintance, perhaps. Though... that's only my view of our connection. That entity may think otherwise... and in a way, if it were so, I am humbled by that.Yet, in this case, I need to retain a neutral mindset.

Perhaps more will be revealed when the master of the marionette responds to me.

introspection.

Turns out... I have some serious trust issues I need to figure out.

... well that's what I get for repressing things.

lost.redemption.

Tell me how to feel. Tell me how to act... because I'm so tired of screwing things up.


Or at least, allow me to make it up to you. Somehow.

re-education.

There's so much that I need to learn and unlearn.

Teach me how to trust again...

Teach me how to forget that unending fear of being used... again.

remonstrance.

I wish there was a book of instructions somewhere for this. I really don't know what to do or how to act. Everything I do seems wrong. Though, I suppose it's through these mistakes that I finally figure out what I'm supposed to do and through that process, write my own instructions.

But... I just don't want to make you suffer because of my ignorance. I don't want you to be a learning tool. I just want what's for the best...

and I seem to be failing miserably at the moment.

indulgence.

It's such a selfish emotion... but, at the same time, I'm sort of addicted.

quid agis?

I wonder if it's worth all this pain?

Is this supposed to hurt this much in the first place?

Maybe I'm just over-thinking. Over-analyzing.

I just wanted a shoulder to lean on... not fight a battle. Yet, somehow, I've involved myself in this one-sided fight with a soul that's unaware. And I seem to be losing. Unknowingly, I've been hit in all the vital places and... it really seems impossible to get up now.

As hope bleeds out, as my spirit succumbs into a state of shattered pieces, as my voice weakens...
The world's closing in. My line of sight, slowly fading.

The candle flickers, as the wind caresses it with her touch.

I need you... Sammy.

minute moment.

I'm walking on a tight-rope, with everything hanging in the balance. One mistake could send me to my end. I wish I had more assurance or confirmation about this. I feel so out of it. One day it would be all blue skies and roses, while the next is filled with nothing but torrents of icy cold rain.

I'm tired of this twisted guessing game. Either cut the rope and let this reality die or let me finish crossing it.

Though maybe it's just my fate.

The feeling of life torturing me into madness... how many more liters of tears do I need to shed in order to chase it down?

quoth she.

Sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is even right. Am I even worthy of this?

cessation of breathing.

It feels as if I'm doing everything wrong. I don't know what to say, how to act, or even how to respond. Hell, I don't even know what this feeling is.

I'm grateful for this experience... yet at the same time I've never been so afraid in my life. For once, I needed to relinquish the core of what I was to everyone, stripping down to the crux of my own existence-- what, no, who I really am. My facade. The thing that had been protecting me from everyone, from pain.

For the first time in my life, I am voluntarily vulnerable. I am free of that shell that made who I was... that bequeathed me the ability to stand against and bear those five damned years of torture and ridicule. It gave me the strength to go on, to keep fighting, instilling an undying desire for vengeance and feeding my soul nothing but the bitterness of spite. It allowed me to exist to survive. It pushed me to live on, pounding the mantra that I would one day have my sweet revenge if I held on for another day into me.

With the years, that mask grew heavier and heavier, eventually it became too much to bear. Yet, I kept it. Up until now... because it is no longer possible to hold what I was and this current reality at the same time.

In order for this to work... I need to be myself. The one that I have ignored for the most part of my life. The stranger within me.

Perhaps that's why it's so scary. I'm forced to look at who I truly am...

It's a sickening feeling, though... or maybe I just need to adjust to this new freedom. Similar to the escaped prisoner in Plato's Cave... I too need to go through this pain in order to get used to this new reality. Yet, I keep fighting with myself. What I was with who I'm becoming.

Slowly... I'm turning into someone that I've always feared of becoming. Weak.

But is this vulnerability a weakness? Perhaps this is a strength. To be vulnerable and still be able to exist in this cruel world.

I don't know... should I remain on this path?

This was but a dream. A twisted twisted reason for me to continue. But... this dream has found its place in reality. I've lost that carrot in front of me, for it's already in my grasp and now I can no longer move forward.

In return, though, I have you to push me forward instead...

I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to run anymore. I can simply live.

It's no longer about surviving.

I wonder though...

Is it really alright to walk beside you?

Is it possible to trust you?

walking up to fall down.

Here I stand at the edge, between two extremes:

Reality and Dream.
Past and Future.
Love and Fight.

Whichever step I take... it'll just be the same. I'll still end up hating myself for that choice for I exist between the two. I can't exist in reality nor in a dreamworld. I can't return to the past nor can I make that leap toward the future. I can't succumb to love nor can I inflict harm upon any soul.

Somehow, I suppose, I must learn to live with both. To stay grounded in what's real and still be able to dream, for dreams are the blueprints of reality. To use the past as the path toward the future, as different as they are, they still lead to each other. To fight for the ones I love, though I am not nearly strong enough.

When will I take the step to destroy the veil that retains my neutrality?

Preservere.

214 may be over. But I'm still alive... so I think I'll continue with this blog. At least this will keep me questioning life and myself as well.