I'll never win against my own demons... that much I know.

I'm just really scared that I won't be strong enough to hold them back one day...

one day...

and I just might end up killing myself to destroy it... or allow it to destroy me.

I'm so scared to be weak... to be haunted by things that I should've forgotten already.

Why does my mind torment me like this?

I'm so tired of replaying her death in my head... I'm tired.

Perhaps, she might have forgiven me for my failure to protect her... but I haven't.

at least my mind and my heart haven't.

And I continue to spite myself every single day for it.

I should've been the one to die... perhaps.

I shouldn't have survived. So many days do I wake up and wish that it would've been me and not her.

Ughs.... it's just one of those really bad days. All I want is a hot cup of tea and someone to hold me for the rest of the day.

But here I am writing this and wallowing in my sorrow while drowning myself in cold water... with its bittersweet taste. Lingering... just like memories of her and how it cuts into my soul as the water cuts into my throat... trickling down my esophagus as she does into the crevices of my mind.

So let me forget. Let me live...

Or let me die.

Both are the same... no different.

I feel very comfortable around you. It's surprising, because I generally don't feel comfortable around... well, everyone.

You have no idea just what I'd go through to protect your happiness, do you?

If I have had my own heart betrayed but someone I thought loved me...

If I've been destroyed by someone who I thought would've protected me...

If I could painfully wait two whole years for a man that would never love me back, who lead me on for those years... watching him flirt and date other women while I watched, secretly hoping that he'd fall for me one day and never having that one day.

Why would I sabotage my own relationship when I've found someone that I never dreamed existed... with someone who is nearly an exact replica of me.

With someone who is beyond kind and generous... beyond thoughtful and empathetic... with someone who is as beautiful as who he is?

With someone who I didn't have to painfully wait for...

With someone who loves me back?

Never.

Remember these words.

Veritas vos liberabit. 

I was sworn by these very words. And by these same words, I shall give my life to.

The truth will set you free.

These words are my treasures. It's why my old line of work existed. We existed to protect the truth and remain by it... and to die by it. That is why we exist.

This is our credo.

In living by the truth, you shall be free. In freedom, you shall have the truth.

Veritas vos liberabit.