I had one of those conversations with a really close friend of mine...

and we came to the conclusion that I am pansexual rather than bi.

Hm. Another mark in my life.

Slowly figuring out who I am.

I want to stop loving with my mind.

I want to love with my heart.

This fault is mine and mine alone...

I don't blame the people who have stepped into my heart in the past.

I blame myself for letting their actions get to me.

I taught myself to trust  no man and fear no bitch.

Guy or girl, they're all the same when it boils down to relationships.

It doesn't matter. What matters is their mindset.

I've been fucked in the heart by girls and boys.

So... there is no difference and I don't care anymore.

What I do care about is freeing myself of the mindset that I've forced myself to wear to protect myself throughout my past.

I want to put my emotions back into its rightful home, my heart.... and not in my mind.

It hurts me that I can't love you the way you deserve to be.

I fight and struggle with myself every damn day to change that.

Sometimes, I just want to destroy my memories and forget everything... so I can start over.

Meet you again and fall in love with you all over.

I don't know..... I just think too much and do too little.

But, I'll do whatever it takes to get to the point of where I am no longer afraid to love with my heart...

I'll risk the pain.

My thoughts are killing me...

quicker than I've anticipated.

This is why I can't be left alone with myself.

This is why I hate the silence, because that's when I am able to hear every single goddamn thought inside of my fucked up mind.

And they telling things that I've been hiding from myself. And they tell me to destroy myself because life isn't worth this pain.

What pain?

It's only pain because you think it so.

I want to win this fight. I don't want to be a lost cause.

I don't want to end up killing myself.

I am not a weapon.

gpoy.

My insecurities fucks a lot of things up for me. It leads me to being jealous and having a hard time trusting people’s feelings toward me. I have this mindset of not being enough for anyone and it sucks because often times I end up hurting not only myself but other people too, being offered that much and not be able to take it, or trust it. Always thinking that someone better will always come along and take what I have from me. 

When someone suddenly or slowly stops talking to me I end up with this paranoia; negative thoughts pile up in my head. I always take the blame and gather up the things that could’ve been wrong with me and what they probably didn’t like about me. Questions like; maybe I wasn’t enough, maybe I was too much and this can go on.

I have this never ending self loathe and I have no idea how it started. I don’t know how to stop it. I hate being clingy and so demanding for attention but its the only temporary cure I can find for my insecurities. When someone gives me attention it makes me feel wanted, it makes me feel somewhat enough, worthy of something or someone’s presence. 
I hate it, it drives me crazy and it steals hours of sleep away from me.

-0175

I don't want May to end... I don't want June to start.

I want to live in this peace for a little bit longer...

I'm so scared.....