fin?

But at the same time... I was told this place can't die yet.

I am at a loss.

void.

I have betrayed the contents of this blog as well as everything I've fought to protect.

I need to find a new home for my writings.

My decision to compromise this sanctuary holds no regret to that of myself.

I bid you adieu, Bullet-Proof Dreams. Thank you for giving me a place to confide my darkest thoughts and secrets in, whilst keeping me sane.

1.27.11

live.

MADA AISHITERU KIMI. DAKARA... NE. IKANAIDE.

Kill me.

REM

Hey, I'm ready to wake up now.

Shake me from this fucking nightmare...

I want to live again.

perpetual.

It's taking all of my effort to get up in the morning nowadays.

How many more days left do I have to keep pretending that everything's alright?

Only the rest of my life to go.

Charming.

#28

Dear--,

My last letter to you. I think.

A wonderful friend sent me this song... I wish I could share this with you.

But I can't, and so I'll place it here.

"I used to know my place was the spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fallout,
So many things that I wish that you knew
So many walls up I can't break through

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dyin' to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
Yeah
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now"



ht

#27

Dear--,

So long and good night.

I'm in for one hell of a ride.

ht.

#26

Dear--,

I can't... I don't even know what to say to you anymore. I don't know how to speak to you... how to act around you anymore.

I... forget it. Forget I even cared. Forget I even liked you. Forget everything.

I'm too numb to care. These tears mean nothing to me.

ht.

waver.

All I want is someone to hold me right now and tell me I'll survive this shit.

because I have nothing left to hold on to.

Everything is happening at once.

you.

I'm finished.

I've never needed someone to lean on so much in my life.

My heart hurts. My mind is flooded. I can't move anymore.

It feels as if I'm backed up into a corner with no where to run.

I'm helping everyone with their problems and piling my own up.

I don't want to keep a front anymore.

I don't want to hide my true feelings anymore.

I want to be myself. I want to be Hannah, with my emotions and flaws.

I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be.

I want to say what I feel. I don't want to keep my raw emotions confined to this blog.

I want people to know how I really feel.

But I can't. If I do... I'm criticized for being emo... for being hungry for attention.

So I have to be what they want me to be. So I smile and I joke.

Lies upon more lies. That's my life.

I don't even know anymore.

I'm not strong enough to do this alone.

There's too much going on.

I didn't even get to mourn yet.

And already, you've given another to Death's grasp.

Why don't you just give me away instead?

Let me sleep. I'm exhausted as well.

point.

Why are these tears falling?

Stupid girl.

I promised myself I wouldn't...

I've been trying with all my entirety to be strong, going beyond the limits of my pain threshold. This has become too much to bear. I don't know how long I can remain like this...


I've tried my best to brush off all that you do to me, but... I'm too weary to continue this madness. I've given up in trying to protect myself. Just deal the finishing blow and end me.

How much farther must I fall before I hit the bottom?

Why, why the hell is he doing this to me?

Just be straight-forward. Don't just abandon me like this.

At least tell me what went wrong.

I thought he was better than this. We've both tasted the same pain. I thought he understood.

But I was so fucking wrong.

And look at me now. I'm a pretty mess aren't I?

It's taking all of my effort to keep myself together.

My pain. My sweet private pain.

I... was a fool to open my heart again. I should've known better.

Stupid girl.

Look at yourself now... sleeping on tear drenched pillows. Walking with a stolen smile, devoid of any real emotion, wearing a shattered heart taped together by false hope. You've become nothing more than a puppet. A filthy marionette. Controlled by him...

You fool.

Indeed. I've forgotten everything I've learned and stupidly fell in love.

And now I'm falling...

falling...

falling...

not into the welcoming arms of a lover, but Misery.

I suppose I should make do with what I have.

Whatever it takes to survive...

even if it's pathetically.

#25

Dear--,

You.

What the is it? Just tell me.

You say hi and then what? Leave me fucking hanging. that's what.

Don't even bothering saying "hi" if you're not going to respond.

This is the main reason why I don't IM you first, because you don't even reply.

I don't get you. You're killing me day by day.



Yours,
ht

slip.

Letting my heart die one day at a time.

The numbness will kick in soon.

Eventually this pain'll disappear and I can finally live in peace.

#24

Dear--,

Huuh... I won't deny it, but I've spent the latter of your absence trying to get over you and move on. I thought I had succeeded in closing my heart and severing all my attachments to you... for a while.

But... it just took one fucking

word..

to undo all my hard work.

I'm back to where I've started. Thanks. Really.

My masks... my walls are shattering with each second. I can feel the shards falling upon the ground, reverberating against the core of my existence.

I thought I'd fucking won. What the hell happened? Why is is to damn hard to get over you?

Tell me. Somebody... anybody. Tell me.

Why is it harder to let go than to hang on?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

You do this to me. You know that?

Once again, I have to pretend... pretend that everything is alright.

I'm sick and fucking tired of being at your mercy.

Rip my heart out and destroy it, please.

If it must be done to end this pain... then let it be by your hands.

I've already tried and I can't seem to be able to destroy it.

Why... do I.. let you get to me so easily? Damnit. Damn this to hell.

You're just this amazing...

and I hate you for that.

I hate myself even more though...

I... don't know anymore. I just want to disappear and get you out of my damn mind.

Let this be over. Let me be over.

"So, I took all night to write a stupid love letter to you.

Yeah you! From me, to you!

And all the time that I wasted on this stupid love letter to you!

Fuck you!"




Regards,
ht

adverse.

I'm back. I survived.

Did I really lose my smile?

In the span of three months...

Did I really change that much?

Have I forgotten how to live?

I'm so good at faking it... perhaps I've been stuck living in that facade.

That everything was alright. When reality was breaking beneath my feet.