Time to get up.

It stopped hurting because I stopped hoping. Perhaps, this is the end to this dream.

Romance isn't dead. It never was. 

somewhere along the line, i gave myself an ultimatum.

this pain i can no longer bear and i doubt it wishes to bear these burdens of mine either.

i gave up hoping for romantic escapades. i had to kill my hopeless romantic self to destroy the envy that eats me up every time i see other couples put romance movies to shame.

i gave up wishing for dates. what's the point?
a date is just a fruit... and a jumble of numbers that rule our lives. a mere ingredient. something to keep track of time.

i gave up my need for someone to rely on. c'mon... you can't expect me to put up with all of those broken promises and perpetual disappointments. i have myself and i am confident that i can rely on my own abilities.

i gave up all of my expectations in what i have ever wanted in a relationship so i could stop crying every day, while living vicariously through other loving couples with seemingly perfect relationships.

i destroyed myself.

i don't know what i want anymore. i'm back to surviving.

i gave up everything, even myself...

i don't want to make sacrifices anymore. i don't want to give my all to someone, only to be depreciated and unappreciated.

when will someone reciprocate what i do for them? when will they learn to appreciate the things i have to go through just to put a smile on their face.

i don't know anymore.

it feels as if i'm back to square one. lost. broken. insecure.

someone please guide me back to the light.

the darkness is becoming quite comfortable.

I hope for the day when someone writes me cheesey love notes and surprises me with flowers whenever I'm feeling sad. Who also takes me on romantic dates and cares enough to celebrate anniversaries with me. I guess I'll keep doing those things for myself until then.  

I grow weary of being the knight in battered armor sometimes.

I want to know how it feels to be the princess.

Just once.

To be swept off my feet.

To be rescued from my own demons.

To be taken care of instead of being the one to take care of everyone.

Just this once.

But I'll keep fighting for now.

I'll survive. Somehow.

I wish.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to receive flowers... a note or even just a romantic night out or in.

I wonder how it feels to dance by the moonlight with the one you love. I wonder how it feels to gaze upon the stars with the one by my side. 

I can't help but to envy those who are able to experience this every once in a while.

It sorta hurts to watch couples around me who actually gets to do simple things together like going for a walk or even a simple coffee date.

I love and I love and I love, but it feels as if my love isn't being reciprocated sometimes.

Of the many years we've been together we've never celebrated a single anniversary or even a valentine's day.

I get so jealous everytime I see a couple celebrate their relationship.

I get angry everytime a girl or guy complain about their significant others because they got them the wrong flowers or did something for them that they didn't like. At least they cared enough to even think about doing those things and getting flowers for you. At least they made an effort to embrace and celebrate the fact that they are with you.

Don't you know how fucking lucky you guys are to have a counterpart who gives you their time, who takes the time to plan things for you and only you to make you happy? Be happy for the effort and not the materialistic things. I would kill for something like that. I would do anything to be able to experience what a romantic date feels like or what celebrating an anniversary feels like.

I never had the chance. Either my relationship was too short... or my partner just never cared enough to. I try my best to be romantic I try to celebrate anniversaries, but my efforts are simply for nothing.

I'm sorta running on empty here.

I fucking hate being a hopeless romantic sometimes.

Just once, I'd like to know what romance tastes like.

Maybe I'll buy myself flowers, write myself a sweet little card, and take myself out to a nice romantic date.

That's okay... I'll satisfy that desire myself. I still love you and always will.

I'm not here to change you. I'm here to embrace you and love you for your attributes as well as your flaws.

In the end, there's nothing I would change about you... except your socks.
 

i long for things...
intangible.
things i thought i had
but did not.

i envy the ones with loving
counter parts who speak with
their actions more than they
do with words. petty words
only mean so much when
they are but empty shells.
spent bullet casings that failed
to deliver their killing blow.

and
yet its those that kill me.
you kill me with the words
you speak. you kill me
with the actions that you
do not do.

so many things you've said
right. yet do not act on.
broken promises.
i am too used to now.

envy consumes me as i watch
those loving counterparts drown
in  each other. be it through actions or
words. those sweet sanguine
words dripping from their hearts
filled to the brim with passion.

intoxicated by romance.

how i wish to drink from that
cup of romance so filled to the
brim. even a drop will drive me
into an endless ecstasy.

a drop shall quench my partched
heart and nourish the dying
flame that once was my pride and
guide through the shadowy void.

here i lie. watching. watching for
something that i shall never
have. wait for something
never delivered.

but i do not care.
i am already gone.

I have found company
in Death's shadowy embrace.
I have found relief.

 

I wish...