Sometimes when I'm alone... all I can do it cry

and cry... and cry.

Because that's all I can do for myself to relieve the pain... because I don't wish to relive the pain.

I'm so useless to myself.

I'd move mountains for others... but I can't even slay my own demons.

I can't even make myself smile.

So useless.

I wish you knew how worthless you made me feel. But I'd never do that to you. I couldn't. Because despite how much you make me hate myself, I could never, ever hate you.

I really wish I mattered to you as much as you matter to me...

It hurts... but it's okay. I'll love us... for the both of us.

If I could hold your heart I would keep it safe. Even when I trip and fall, and even when I break down, I would hold your heart close to mine, so it doesn’t see the same damage. When I bruise my knees and scrape my palms you’ll never have to fear, and even if I cry, I promise, you won’t need to shed a tear. Love is everlasting. Loyalty is intertwined with faith. As long as you want me I will be here, standing with my palms out, waiting with my heart plain in my eyes, and a smile on my face.

“When you love someone… truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt—you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it’s crippling—like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough… but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?”

 

 

why am i still alive... i'm letting people fuck up my heart. why don't i just end myself instead.

This is one of those days where it feels like I'm losing my battle with depression. I have nothing to be sad about, but that's just how I feel... and it's just disturbing to realize that it's depression in itself that I feel and not of discontent. What makes this all the more painful is that all I can do is to allow this demon ravage my being until it tires and slips into its temporary slumber. I'm weak... too weak to slay my own demon. What have I become? I used to be strong... and look at me now.

It's me against life...

How much fucking stronger do I have to become?

Why must you keep throwing all these curveballs at me?

I'm fucking strong already. I'm stronger than most people I know.

So, please, stop with this shit. I don't need to be any stronger.... I'm strong enough god fucking damnit.

I don't want to go through any more pain... I beseech you, stop.

I just want to be happy and live the rest of my life without any more inflictions to my heart.

My poor heart.

Please leave it alone. It's done nothing to you, life. What the fuck did it ever do to you for you to want to serve it so much strife?

Leave me alone... I'm broken, tired. My soul is worn. My heart needs a break.

Just let me be happy... just this once.

Until the day I breathe my last, let me live in happiness with the one I love above all else.

One simple request...

I implore you.

I am strong enough.

I have been through enough.

I really wish that someone would make an effort in my happiness... I do so much for everyone, making sure that they're provided for and yet everyone leaves me in the dust.

I was willing to set my life aside to protect everyone, at the sacrifice of my own identity as well as my own well-being and family. The only gratitude I've ever gotten for that choice for the loss of the people I've considered as my own family, my brothers in arms. I destroyed my ability to love and feel. I destroyed myself.

I don't know anymore. I don't know if I'm worth anything. I try so hard, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

I've done everything in my power to provide and care for you... but it feels like I'm living a thankless existence. I don't know...

I'm just thinking too much. Watching other people in my life work so hard to make their significant others happy and special... it sort of makes me jealous. It hurts when I help them pick out gifts or help them plan surprises and dates... It really does. But, it's not the materialistic aspect of it that gets to me, it's the fact that they put so much thought and effort into their relationship that makes it hurts so much. I hate having to feel this way. I hate feeling so insignificant when you're such a significant part of my life.

But at this moment, I'm just glad that you're still in my life because just your existence is enough for me.