It doesn't matter who the person is... but they'll only learn to want me when I'm about to leave or when I'm already gone.

It feels as if everyone takes me for granted.

Every fucking person in my life.

They don't give a shit when I'm around because I'm always there and when I'm finally gone, then they change and miss me.

I'm not an object... I'm a human being.

The longer that I remain here, the more people I lose… Sometimes I do wonder if I should’ve stayed and not return at all. At least I wouldn’t be caught in this mess and I wouldn’t be such an emotional wreck. I was in a place where I had the full potential of starting over, a place where no one knew me, save for my beloved. And I destroyed it all by returning to this beautiful city, my home. The place that is killing me with every moment that I remain upon its misty demise. Familiar faces are fast becoming foreign to me. People I thought I knew are now strangers that no longer wish to know me.

Have I changed to the extent of where everyone despises me? Or have they changed to the extent of where I am no longer worthy of their presence?

It's another one of those days when I hate absolutely everything and almost everyone. (almost)

I am at my limit. I'm killing time and burning money staying here and it annoys the shit out of me.

It's pushing me to think about things that I no longer wish to think about.

I don't ever want to go back to my former line of work, but at this moment... in my cash-strapped, desperate... mindset. I want to. I am guaranteed a salary with bonuses and benefits... I don't have to fight tooth and nail for some measly hours. Ughs. Fuck this. Fuck that.

I feel like a lazy fuck who's wasting everyone's resources and time.

I feel more and more useless with each passing day. Shit. I love being home in SF, but this stagnation is killing me. I'm suffocating here... It's killing me.

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I've let my thoughts take control of me...

I'm trying my best to fight it, but it seems impossible. Everything's just beating down on me at once.

I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like this.

But shit... I really need to stop thinking like this. It needs to stop now before I wind up doing something I'll regret... if I'll even be alive to regret it.

letter # I lost count...

To--

I really want to kill this blog so that the memories of my dumbass of a mistake and everything we almost, but never had could die with it. And perhaps, then, I can finally live and love freely, untainted by your words and the memories we created, but we never supposed to exist. We, our meeting and interaction, weren't supposed to happen.

What we had was pure... Bull Shit. Duh.
A waste of time. A waste of effort. A waste of tears. A waste of my sleepless nights. A waste of pain.

I find it pitifully ironic, how you were the same person to say that we should part ways permanently, and yet still come crawling back to me for dumb shit.

You could've had me. Could've.

Your loss. My gain.

-ht.

Caught up with an old friend of mine yesterday.

And for once I opened up about my old line of work... I talked about working in      .      . .

I guess this is me coming to terms with it. But I still have all the guilt. Talking about it makes me feel better, but it doesn't undo my actions. I still hate myself for making those decisions, but I needed to do it... one sacrifice for the sanctity of the many. That was what kept me sane. That was what helped me sleep at night when all I wanted was to sleep forever because I knew deep inside, I didn't deserve to be able to open my eyes to greet the light of a new day.

I still do loathe myself. But... what's the point.