The perpetual struggle between what I must do and what I want to do...
Yet, in the end... the result has been predetermined.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
ultimatum.
I knew it was false hope. I knew it all along...
How long will you toy with me, Life?
I don't know how much my heart can take until it gives in and beats its last...
Why don't you just end me now?
How long will you toy with me, Life?
I don't know how much my heart can take until it gives in and beats its last...
Why don't you just end me now?
Sunday, August 22, 2010
tactics.
My mask is killing me.
I don't want to hide what I feel, yet I have to.
I need to keep that strong front in order to keep everyone together, so to not add to the chaos. Everyone's already a mess. I can't afford to be like that too... it'll only add to the burden. I have to stay strong-- at least on the outside.
I don't even know what's keeping me together anymore. Or maybe I'm already in pieces. I'm just too numb to notice or feel those shards beneath my bloody sole. Or maybe it's thanks to him... and Him. My sole sources of support, at the moment.
The heart pains, but what can I do? Bite the bullet and take it in, I suppose.
I can't be distracted by emotions right now. It'll compromise everything.
I need to focus and regroup my thoughts.
My main objective should be her safety. At her current state, there needs to be someone from our side to keep them from her... to an extent. Or at least from the threat of inflicting any harm or getting information out of her or regarding her condition. The less they know, the better. For the safety of both her and our side.
Next, should be to ensure the sweep of the apt was fully completed and nothing of importance was left there. (debrief with the two about their findings/recon and double-check all items of importance: extra set of keys in [location])
Then, it should be maintaining the household and ensuring the physical and emotional health of the two entities. I need to keep all general operations running normally to keep everything going, with a few exceptions (in my personal agenda).
Preparation for the upcoming semester should be next though that shouldn't pose much of a problem at the moment. Everything is set up accordingly. I just need to plan out an exit strategy to Delta Charlie.
General task: Pick up her mail from apt on [days]. Remember to inquire for key. (Do a sweep for the keys on a chosen day. Be on the look out for them or him- though his excursions are at random intervals)
Lastly, secure her assets and protect the two entities. Plan out a proper strategy- attack and counter-attack. No one is to be trusted unless proven otherwise. (psychological warfare is a possibility w/ them as they're capable of anything atm. Unsure about how they move. recon via observation only. analysis w/ the two per each visit/encounter w/ them/him) [only if the situation worsens]
{Carry out his promise until the very end}
H.o.p.e
I don't want to hide what I feel, yet I have to.
I need to keep that strong front in order to keep everyone together, so to not add to the chaos. Everyone's already a mess. I can't afford to be like that too... it'll only add to the burden. I have to stay strong-- at least on the outside.
I don't even know what's keeping me together anymore. Or maybe I'm already in pieces. I'm just too numb to notice or feel those shards beneath my bloody sole. Or maybe it's thanks to him... and Him. My sole sources of support, at the moment.
The heart pains, but what can I do? Bite the bullet and take it in, I suppose.
I can't be distracted by emotions right now. It'll compromise everything.
I need to focus and regroup my thoughts.
My main objective should be her safety. At her current state, there needs to be someone from our side to keep them from her... to an extent. Or at least from the threat of inflicting any harm or getting information out of her or regarding her condition. The less they know, the better. For the safety of both her and our side.
Next, should be to ensure the sweep of the apt was fully completed and nothing of importance was left there. (debrief with the two about their findings/recon and double-check all items of importance: extra set of keys in [location])
Then, it should be maintaining the household and ensuring the physical and emotional health of the two entities. I need to keep all general operations running normally to keep everything going, with a few exceptions (in my personal agenda).
Preparation for the upcoming semester should be next though that shouldn't pose much of a problem at the moment. Everything is set up accordingly. I just need to plan out an exit strategy to Delta Charlie.
General task: Pick up her mail from apt on [days]. Remember to inquire for key. (Do a sweep for the keys on a chosen day. Be on the look out for them or him- though his excursions are at random intervals)
Lastly, secure her assets and protect the two entities. Plan out a proper strategy- attack and counter-attack. No one is to be trusted unless proven otherwise. (psychological warfare is a possibility w/ them as they're capable of anything atm. Unsure about how they move. recon via observation only. analysis w/ the two per each visit/encounter w/ them/him) [only if the situation worsens]
{Carry out his promise until the very end}
H.o.p.e
Saturday, August 21, 2010
logistics.
Are you just feeding me false hope? I'm used to this already... I know you too well, Life.
I'm prepared this time.
I'm prepared this time.
owasarete.
It's just so damn frustrating. It could have been prevented, damnit. Damnit it all to hell.
If it's a soul you want, fucking take mine instead. It's a fair trade.
End me instead. Spare her. Just end me. End it all. I'm not worthy of this life.
Spare her. Spare her.
Destroy me instead. Crush me. It would be doing the rest a favor... I am much too tainted. A failure. A fucking failure. I broke his promise. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't fucking protect her. damnit.damnit.damnit.
Take me instead... just... do it.
If it's a soul you want, fucking take mine instead. It's a fair trade.
End me instead. Spare her. Just end me. End it all. I'm not worthy of this life.
Spare her. Spare her.
Destroy me instead. Crush me. It would be doing the rest a favor... I am much too tainted. A failure. A fucking failure. I broke his promise. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't fucking protect her. damnit.damnit.damnit.
Take me instead... just... do it.
Friday, August 20, 2010
beseech.
God, help her. Grant her the strength to fight and survive.
God, help me... help this family, as loose as we are. Grant us the strength to endure this trial.
Help us sinners...
In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit... Amen.
God, help me... help this family, as loose as we are. Grant us the strength to endure this trial.
Help us sinners...
In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit... Amen.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
divinity.
Alack, I feel quite the fool... in my attempts to act the opposite.
To live, to err... what's the point in continuing this carefully orchestrated play one calls "life"?
Our fates are the same in the end.
To live, to err... what's the point in continuing this carefully orchestrated play one calls "life"?
Our fates are the same in the end.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
fortnight.
It's so easy to slip into that demon's snare again. How could I not? A place that I have always sought solace and comfort in... it was painful, but it was one made bearable by my masochistic mind.
Solace. Painfully bittersweet against my numbed tongue.
Solace. Painfully bittersweet against my numbed tongue.
guessed.
I... really don't know who to trust anymore.
The words that escape from her lips. I can no longer discern from truth or deceit.
Though what I can place my trust in is the fact that the fault somehow lies within me. Somehow...
That's always the case.
The words that escape from her lips. I can no longer discern from truth or deceit.
Though what I can place my trust in is the fact that the fault somehow lies within me. Somehow...
That's always the case.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
memento mori.
Save me from my mind. For that will be the death of me.
That or drive me into insanity... swallowed by my own consciousness.
With every droplet of thought, I sink deeper into the unending abyss that will serve as my last.
The vessel still breathes, yet the soul ceases to reverberate within.
Empty. Hollow.
With every word trying to wake it from its perpetual slumber rattling the void, shaking up the dust of what was and spilling to the ground ashes of what used to be.
Leave the vessel. Leave the soul.
Please just save me. Or at least the remnant of who I am...
~~
Is this poetry? Or is this but a "literal" representation of what the soul has to say. (Do pardon the double entendre) Though, I suppose that is what poetry is. Words that come undiluted from the heart and soul. Straight onto a blank void and into the hearts of others. I suppose this is how souls communicate amongst each other. Our consciousness have our spoken technical words. Our souls have art, that of which mostly do not rely on words. Save for the unfortunate writers, bound to the confines of words and grammar (to an extent). Though through that limitation, we are freeing ourselves. To be able to express fully the essence of the crux of humanity, while chained to those earthly manifestations... it's there that one is truly free. The ultimate form of freedom.
That or drive me into insanity... swallowed by my own consciousness.
With every droplet of thought, I sink deeper into the unending abyss that will serve as my last.
The vessel still breathes, yet the soul ceases to reverberate within.
Empty. Hollow.
With every word trying to wake it from its perpetual slumber rattling the void, shaking up the dust of what was and spilling to the ground ashes of what used to be.
Leave the vessel. Leave the soul.
Please just save me. Or at least the remnant of who I am...
~~
Is this poetry? Or is this but a "literal" representation of what the soul has to say. (Do pardon the double entendre) Though, I suppose that is what poetry is. Words that come undiluted from the heart and soul. Straight onto a blank void and into the hearts of others. I suppose this is how souls communicate amongst each other. Our consciousness have our spoken technical words. Our souls have art, that of which mostly do not rely on words. Save for the unfortunate writers, bound to the confines of words and grammar (to an extent). Though through that limitation, we are freeing ourselves. To be able to express fully the essence of the crux of humanity, while chained to those earthly manifestations... it's there that one is truly free. The ultimate form of freedom.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
into everything.
For a while I thought I finally found myself. Foolishly, I've poured all my time and effort into understanding that part of me.
Yet, that isn't me. That was just a faint imprint of who I was.
I knew it couldn't be that simple.
Though I must wonder.... what would be merited from rescuing myself from the snares of being lost? What if that brings upon more pain than actual relief?
What if who I am doesn't want to know?
Broken glass should never be touched without the proper precautions. A gloved hand to caress those jagged edges.
I must find myself through another. An extension of myself.
Shattered pieces... so sharp and so untouchable.
They're best left in the bin. Forgotten and void of any hope of being repaired.
Wounds heal, but they leave scars. Memories...
Yet, that isn't me. That was just a faint imprint of who I was.
I knew it couldn't be that simple.
Though I must wonder.... what would be merited from rescuing myself from the snares of being lost? What if that brings upon more pain than actual relief?
What if who I am doesn't want to know?
Broken glass should never be touched without the proper precautions. A gloved hand to caress those jagged edges.
I must find myself through another. An extension of myself.
Shattered pieces... so sharp and so untouchable.
They're best left in the bin. Forgotten and void of any hope of being repaired.
Wounds heal, but they leave scars. Memories...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
plunge.
With each day... the animosity for myself grows greater.
What the hell am I doing?
I've lost it this time. Damnit. Damnit it all.
What the hell am I doing?
I've lost it this time. Damnit. Damnit it all.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
adieu?
Do I give up too easily?
But I don't even have the experience to set that parameters of what to expect...
But I don't even have the experience to set that parameters of what to expect...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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