heav'n of a hell

What did I do wrong? I tried my best and yet...

" * WEll when u get this Im surely wold be gone and if you know who this is and i hopefuly i know who this is as well >_< GOOD day! uh.... yeah see you.... i just wish i was a bit stronger.... but im weak yeah know that. i try to be stronger for you ...but it always failed when i try my best So I give up and i wish i wish i can end this pain that always hurts me and kills me so i so i wish u luck..... Why dose it hurt ? where dose it hurt? Why.................. well i dont really understand much about life.... or want to understand now.... I wrote this for you but it would mean nothing to you... --->Her<--- Her black flowing hair glides down her back. Her smile, lights my world, those eyes of hers make me feel important. Hearing her voice gives my heart energy, the energy to love and to be happy. Her tender lips so soft, gentle to the touch of our passionate kiss. The way she moves so elegant and so agile. Just being with her makes my heart race, ba dum, ba dum. Her beauty is unlike anyone else, nothing can be compared to how gorgeous she is. My love for her is everlasting, flowing out of me like a river. .......................................... .............................. -----Em0dkid.... .......................................... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Oh yeah i keep this ... and i read it every single day.... "Well, since you are off to the land of dreams, I bid you farewell and good night. Hold tight to your dreams, for they are precious....for it is they that kindle your will to live and fight on. Life may seem cruel at times and you are left with the desire to just give it all up...I understand completely. When life took away my brother...uncle...stepgrandfather.....I wanted to die just as much. " * "But I never did, I just gave myself reasons to go on...and you can do that too. But there are times when reasons are not enough...and you succumb to your demons and let them consume you...I too have experienced that, when life diagnosed my father with glaucoma, my grandmother with parkinsons and alzheimers and myself with stuff..that doesn't matter.. But I still fought on...because I thought to myself; If I have already lost myself..and am rendered this empty vessel... why not just dedicate myself to others. If I am unable to live for myself.' ask not how you may help yourself... rather ask how you may help others-that was my mantra. that kept me from committing the worst sin of all. I have seen some ugly things in my life, yes, I admit it. Rather looking depressed and wallow in my sorrow. I choose to hide away that part of me and wear a mask of happiness... So other people won't have to suffer because of my emotions...that way I could also lie to myself. I could pretend to live this happy life-unscathed by the past...and I still do wear this mask and live this fake existience. not for myself, but for others. " * "Emotions tend to get in the way of everything...somehow and I have, alas, managed to hide them away. I smile and laugh-yet they are fake...I do not laugh on the inside nor smile. I smile and laugh to please others...to look normal. to be accepted by society. " * "I, of course, am not asking you to rid yourself of your emotions and live an empty existience without feeling or anything. that was my mistake..and I do not wish for you to repeat that. All I ask of you is to try to look at things differently. look at everything negative thing that has happened to you as a chance to use that experience to help others. and also as an opportunity for you to learn..." * "To learn about the flaws of society and ultimately, the flaws of us humans...in hopes that you may learn to forgive us and join us...once more. Because I want you to Live...not exist. I want you to live for what life itself has to offer... because you are human, you have a soul..and you have a heart. All that needs to be nourish and cherished by yourself and society." * "I might come off as a bitch sometimes..but that....is because I am still learning how to deliver my message without breaking people, when i was taught all my life that in order to reprogram-or fix, as I find that term friendlier-that you must break that person first. You must break his or her will...break everything so that they do not fight back. So I can just give them what I want them to know and they will follow obligingly. but that was wrong, as i have learned many times. I have made the same mistake with Ken, also...he wasn't what he is today. he used to be like you in a way. Ken was the person that you reminded me of... the way both of your greet me and the way you respond to what i have to say...and even the way you say good bye and good night..... it was the exact same." * "So naturally.......I went back to my old ways with you and tried to break you. Yet I cannot, since...you were already broken. I tried to force information on you. that failed too. but I didn't give up...and i still won't. because this is keeping me alive...this is pushing me to go on. Because I hold the hope in my heart, that if I am able to help you..I will be able to help myself, at last.. and maybe then I may be able to have my emotions back. but most importantly, I don't want to lose you. i have already two friends and one step uncle deployed to the crazy war in iraq and I really don't want to lose any more people.....so therefore, i will not give up on you. no matter how diffifult....Ken won't either since well, we're all in this together...in a way...since we are similar." * "well, i am tired and my painkiller is wearing off so i have to take another..i really do hope that you will read this. and that my words are not just words to you....i want you to understand....i don't want you to just listen. i really want you to know it, live it...and acknowledge it. please, i ask only of this...just read what i have to say." * "i don't know what else or how else i can help you...i really do feel pathetic and powerless because i am unable to ease and destroy that pain that burdens you. how else may i help others...if i cannot help you? it would be impossible...." * "well, good night. please read what i have to say. all of this comes from my heart and nowhere else. if you do not listen to what i have to say..then listen to what my heart has to say..." -Hannah L. and... also this aswelll ............. "Sometimes words itself are useless. That's why songs were invented... You've no idea how much I wanted to help you. How many hours spent pondering the problems and solutions, I have forgotten. How much pain did I have to eat again, just to be able to tap into that darkness in hopes that I would gain more of that knowledge. For, one must learn to suffer and have suffered in order to attain that.... knowledge." * "So instead of killing us both. I withdraw, not to save myself...but rather you. I want to spare you of this unnecessary pain. Because I know the both of us are suffering because of this. So, I withdraw. This does not mean that I am giving up on you. This painful decision was made to help you." * "You are a man of potential. You are capable of many things. If, you allow yourself to. You could be so happy. If only you'd learn to let go of the past. I have walked your shoes. I had five years of daily torture..be it physical or mental. But, I didn't let that get me down. I laugh at it and I move on. Never let the past get to you." * "The past is just the past. It exists to counter-balance the existience of the present. Don't let it affect you. Don't let the past influence your judgements. The past is just a memory. Memories...use them to give you strength...not for hatred nor excuses to have vengence." * "I wish for you to march forward and not look back. Why look back, if it brings so much pain? If something is hurting, then fix it. Don't suffer. It's a choice. We choose to suffer. We choose to be happy. We are never forced to feel a certain way, unless we will it." * "That was all that I wanted to teach you. That you always have a choice, no matter what. That there are options. There are ALWAYS options, no matter what. Even if the situation seems bleak. There is always light ahead. Because, without light there would be no darkness. " * "There is always a balance. I only hope that someday, you will learn to understand this. Someday...perhaps you will understand what I have countlessly tried to impart to you. I shall wait for that day. I won't give up. I believe that, we met at the wrong time...we were supposed to meet at a later time. I think, it would have been better if we had met after you had found that was capable of healing those wounds. Who would "mend the broken heart" and perhaps "break the curse". I am just a guide. I am not capable of physically pushing a person towards the right path. Nor am I capable of directly telling a person what to do. Nor "heal" a person. I am just a guide." * "I lead and gently prod a person towards the direction that I would think right for that person, concluding from the information I have from the person, the current situation, what the person's background is, and from my psychoanalysis of the person. That is all that I am capable of. I cannot "heal" unlike some who are experts at that field." * "I give you the truth and nothing but the truth. We will meet again, someday...the day that you shall require the guide. But for now..I believe you should go onward to search for that person who can "heal" you and "fix" you.. so that you may be ready for your journey. So that I can be your guide for that journey." * "I I wish you luck. I hope you shall find your Healer...I too have to find that person. So we are, in a way, on the same path...but we are ranked differently with different tasks assigned. We've the same destination, but we are taking different paths. So I wish you luck, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto of the city hidden in the mist, by the bay. I wish you all and only the best. Good luck. God bless. " * "Safe journey...see you again. Here is everything in a nutshell: " - - - - - - - -- - -- - - -- - - -- - --- - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - ------------------------------->-Hannah L.
*

"My Chemical Romance - Helena"
(Youtube link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM1dKUgjXzU&feature=related)
*

Long ago
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you
*

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
*

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
*

Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight
*

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
*

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?
*

What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and not goodnight
*


*


"Sixx:AM - Life is Beautiful"
(Youtube link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sFcVWTlxqI&feature=related)

*

You can’t quit until you try
You can’t live until you die
You can’t learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie
*

You can’t breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you’re the joke
There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

I know some things that you don’t
I’ve done things that you won’t
There’s nothing like a trailer park to find your way back home
*

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
*

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?
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Well i try i try ..........
good bye...
see you on the other side....
or the world i guess....
death.....
or ...........
what i see.....
is just another war....
oh wellz.......
see you soon....
Or i hope.....
You have help me a lot...
Dont let me rot .........

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-------Em0dkid....

Just dont....know anymore..... should i make a call before i go........"

He sends me shit like this. I can't help him. I fucking failed.